[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

Everything around me was quiet. The silence of the night was both deep and peaceful; it was the new moon, which meant that without the small candle I had lit on the table beside me I would have been groping in the dark like a blind man. One last time I re-read the long letter that it had taken me the better part of three hours to write, then I sealed it carefully. While I was focusing on the sensation of the paper against my fingers, I felt a distant smile coming to my lips.

It had been two months since we had come back from the Realms of Heaven. Two months during which the Sanctuary had slowly healed from the terrible wounds that had been inflicted during the blitz battle against the Heavenly Host. Many of the surviving Saints were still carrying scars and would carry them for the remainder of their lives, but smiles had recently come back to light faces which had seemed frozen in expressions of despair or grief. Apprentices had started learning again, and at the top of the Sacred Domain an ethereal Light was shining brightly at night. A beacon which proclaimed to all those who could find it in them to look up towards the sky despite fear or despair that there was still Light in the world.

That there was still hope, and peace.

But not here, I thought quietly in the privacy of my soul, no longer. My decision had been made when I had rested the great sword of Hades against Lucifer's throat. I just hadn't had the courage or the strength to acknowledge it at the time. I had come back to a world which had lost all color to my eyes, following my friends and my brother because I hadn't known what else to do. Because I refused to see. Slowly, reluctantly, I had confronted the ugly truth locked inside my heart. It wasn't the world which had lost its beautiful colors, it was me who had lost the ability to discern them in the smile of a friend or in the reflections of the sunset on the Aegean Sea.

It was me who had lost the ability to hope.

Who had lost the will to live on.

Time to stop hiding. I grinned at the inner voice while I stood up, careful not to raise the slightest sound when I pushed back my chair. Leaving the sealed letter on the desk where it couldn't be missed, I stepped towards the left corner of the room, where the metal of a beautifully carved blade was softly glinting with its own inner light, resting against the wall. Rapidly, I took the sword in my hand and set it at my belt. As I was walking away, I realized with a distant pang of irony and fear that its weight on my left side felt perfectly natural, as if the great blade and I had always belonged together. Almost, I froze when the thought popped up in my mind, but I closed the fingers of my left hand on the hilt and gripped it tight, refusing to give way to doubts. Sending the unwelcome reflection to the back of my mind, I stepped towards the door of the room which had been my home for the last two months.

When my friends had left the Sanctuary to try and find a normal life in the world, I had remained behind. What they could perhaps hope to gain one day was forever denied me. Even if I had allowed myself to forget what was lying in my heart, the sight of the great shining blade resting against the stone wall by my bed would have reminded me of who and what I was. A monster. I clenched my teeth, sending the stray thought away.

I had thought I would go mad when Lucifer had given in to my cowardly blackmail. Voices had risen within, emotions which had clawed at my soul, insane contradictions which should have drowned my mind but hadn't. The black pearl of hatred had shone brightly in my heart, its cold light promising peace and control if only I would let it grow and engulf me completely. On many nights I had lain awake, wishing that I had yielded. Fool. I could still do so, I could let myself drown, I only needed to acknowledge the seed in my heart.

The night's silence around me was cradled by a slow, peaceful rhythm of breathing which was coming from the room next to mine. The room where Ikki-niisan was sleeping. A painful smile came to my lips while I listened to the familiar sound, and again I refused the enticing lure of hatred.

It was thanks to my brother that I had been able to hang on to the last strands of my tattered self. He had chosen to remain in the Sanctuary with me. Time and again, I had tried to convince him to leave, that I was all right, but he had stubbornly refused to be deceived. For him, I had borne with the pain of memories, with nightmares which awoke me deep at night and left me panting, bereft of strength and will. There was nothing to be done against the sickness which was making my spirit fester, and even if there had been I wasn't sure I'd have tried. It was only fair that I rot away, my heart poisoned, after what I had done.

Yes, it's only fair, but now is the time to fully embrace the consequences of my choices. Silently, I stepped out of the small room.

"Where do you think you're going at such an ungodly hour?"

I whirled around, startled by the sound of the familiar voice. Ikki-niisan was standing on the threshold of his own room, and his dark grey eyes weren't veiled by sleep in the slightest. For a moment we stared at each other in silence, and I felt a lump in my throat. Eventually, I confronted him and replied in a voice as quiet as I could muster, "What I must, Ikki-niisan. Forgive me."

He gave me a slow nod, his face a mask of stone. The only betrayal of the emotions he had carefully hidden within was a slight quirking of his lips when he asked, "Did you think I'd let you go without at least saying goodbye?" All of a sudden he came towards me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"You knew, then?" I asked him in a whisper. The only answer I was given was the pressure of his arms when he hugged me. From very far away, I felt my eyes widen as I sensed him shaking against me. I didn't say anything else. I didn't hug him back. I couldn't let myself to be touched by his fierce love or by his sorrow, not now or I would break. I allowed the moment to last for as long as I could, then I gently disengaged from Ikki-niisan's hold. "I love you, nii-san," I whispered in his ear as I moved away.

The I fled the room before his grief could overwhelm me, Hades' sword hanging at my side.

A humorless smile came to my lips when I stared down at the hole which had been dug in the heart of the altar atop Star Hill. Dug by the Chain. The Chain, that I was leaving behind. Andromeda, the other half of my self that I was abandoning, shedding like a skin grown too old for its owner. Forgive me. Forcing air out of my lungs, I shook my head and willed those thoughts away. Then, reaching out, I squatted down and laid the palms of my hands on the stone's smooth surface. It's cold. It had truly begun here, the insane war which had come within a breath of being the end of humanity.

During a long time I remained immobile at the foot of the altar which had been Aries Shion's grave for years, eyes unfocused. An eerie feeling had taken hold of me: it was as if I was standing at a crossroads, wavering between the ways laid before me. But I'm not. I shook my head. There's only one path open to me. The slightest of noises suddenly disturbed the silence and I rose to my feet in a slow motion. Despite her attempts at hiding herself, I knew who had now come to join me.

"Did you come to see me off, Saori-san?" I asked softly.

"I came to tell you that you don't have to go," she replied.

A sad chuckle escaped from my lips when I heard that, interrupting the young woman. "You don't mean what you just said," I told her, trying to keep bitter irony from my voice. "You know what I am, you know that I must go. Just letting me stay here in the Sanctuary is a risk you dare not take. Or if you do," I went on, refusing to face her, "you're a fool."

"Nobody tells me what chances I should take and what chances I should turn aside." The quiet voice which rose in the night was the Goddess Athena's. I felt the infinitely powerful aura as it unfolded around her like a beautiful blossom of Light. "Nobody ever has," she added with a hint of sadness in her tone, "neither my father nor my uncles...nor you, Shun. You have a place here if you want it, and nothing you can say will change that."

I bowed my head, overwhelmed by what was hidden behind the words and humbled by the generosity of her heart. She knew what I was, and despite that she was willing to trust me, she was willing to risk her Sanctuary...she was willing to risk a war. I closed my eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath before replying, "I can't, Saori-san. I can't allow you to take that risk. There's hatred inside my heart, a seed which was planted against my will but that I chose to embrace when the moment came. It's in my heart still, and I know it will never leave me. I can never be free of it."

"I know."

She came to my side, all of a sudden, and locked her purple gaze with mine. "I know," she repeated in a low, passionate voice, "I've felt hatred blossom within you, but it's not like his, Shun," she protested, and again, in a vehement whisper, "never like his! You are Shun; no sword, no emotion can change that."

I wonder, was the automatic response which came to my mind. Aloud, I said, "I wish I could be so sure, but that's not the only reason why I must leave." I took my eyes away from her and added in a voice devoid of emotions, "I must face the truth of myself. There's no other way for me. I've tarried here too long already. I'll go," I looked up at the stars in the night sky and harshly reined in the fear roving in my heart before continuing, "where I belong, and I'll seal the path that leads to this sacred place forever."

I saw the young woman bow her head in sorrow from the corner of an eye, but I didn't turn towards her. I knew I was right. As long as a path existed, linking the other worlds to the fourth one where the sun could never shine, there would be danger. Eventually, she found the strength to lift her face and to look at me again, and then she nodded. "I can't go against your decision, Shun. You're free. Just remember that we're your friends and that we love you. We'll miss you if you choose to go."

I blinked, swallowing back the absurd tears which had almost won over me. Then I stepped forward and reached within. As the inhuman Fire in my heart engulfed everything, a last, desperate whisper registered in my mind:

"Live, Shun! Don't give in and live!"

Opoios Bainei Edo Na Parata Kathe Elpida.

Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here. Silently, I mouthed the terrible words which had been engraved on the top of the great gate of stones millennia ago. They defined the place I had come to, they had shaped its essence and condemned it to be a realm of darkness and despair.

A kingdom of torments.

I was standing at the edge of the underworld, the realm of Hades where the dead came to rest or be punished for the sins they had committed during their lives. We had thought it crumbled into nothingness when we had left it; after all we had killed Hades himself. But it was still here, as I had instantly known when I had been forced to acknowledge the Fire hidden in the shadows of my soul. The world of the dead was a part of the universe, a piece as essential to its balance as the others were.

As the Earth was.

As the Oceans were.

As Heaven was.

It was grief which had led me until now, hatred and despair, pain...all manners of things dark, which could only wind onto themselves to form an endless spiral of blackness. I had blinded myself, convinced that it would go on and on, but it was time to stop being a fool who sought refuge there because it was easier than to face reality. Now was perhaps my only chance to break the cycle. Awareness of the truth didn't make acting on it any easier, but I had no choice: I had cornered myself into doing this and I'd try. Lifting my head, I looked at the barren world lying before me.

Even though the silence around me was an absolute one, I knew that the dark land was neither empty nor lifeless. This was the choice I had given Lucifer: to die or to regain the realm that Hades had taken from him using treachery at the dawn of mankind. I had given Hell back to its rightful Lord, but mine had been a horrible gift.

Hell was a prison.

A dungeon where the light of day never reached.

A place of darkness.

Somehow, Hades had been able to change that: he had created Elysion, a realm of beauty and peace, a place of harmony lit by the Fire that he had been...but Elysion was gone. In killing Hades we had destroyed it, we had bereft it of the one who had given it life. I looked at the somber valleys in front of me, I looked at the barren plains spreading until infinity, then I nodded to myself.

I had been right to come here. I still have a purpose, I thought with a distant smile. I could never undo the harm that I had done, I could never undo the terrible act of betrayal that I had wrought.

One thing I could do, however.

Slowly, I stepped to the foot of the great arch which was the Gate of Hell and lifted the Sword of Hades above my head. When I called forth the Fire, the blade sung and I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Forgive me, I told it silently. The Gate and it were linked, the seals which defined the underworld as well as the path from this realm to the others. They were the true heart of Hell. The blade's song didn't falter while I give it my Light and infused it with my will, as if it approved.

As if it was happy, as if it welcomed what would come.

Gathering all of my strength, I swung the great sword at the somber gate and struck it with everything that I had. In the instant that steel hit stone, I shaped the world anew, using Fire and Will to alter its very essence.

Using my life to change its heart.

For a moment it was as if nothing had happened. Then all at once cracks appeared on the Sword of Hades and on the Gate of Hell. Quickly, I took a few steps back, and both steel and stone shattered in the same instant. The ground shook beneath my feet and a vibration went through the rocks, coming from somewhere deep below. Then a smile crept up my lips, unbidden, when I got a glimpse of a bright light shining beyond the horizon.

Elysion was alive again.

Soon, it would reach out to the whole realm and embrace it. It's over now, it's truly over. Slowly, I let go of the hilt that was all that remained of the great blade. The underworld would heal and be restored, and the path towards the Earth would remain sealed forever.

"What are you doing here?"

I tensed violently, fighting against the pain which had exploded inside me at the sound of that voice. I didn't turn to face the one who had come, I couldn't. In my heart, the beautiful black pearl had risen once again, promising me a shelter from grief and shame, from everything if only I would reach out to it. For a terrible moment, I wavered, but all of a sudden I heard Saori-san's last words resounding in my mind and I denied hatred. It was hard to do so, it was hard to feel a pain which was filling every fiber of my being, which was resonating within, streaming down my limbs to batter at my nails and then thunder back towards my heart in an endless cycle.

Wanting free, but unable to get out.

Trapped.

Closing my eyes tightly shut, I swallowed back the mad scream of pain which was building up within me, and I said between clenched teeth, "I've come to give this realm the life that was taken away from it."

He laughed at that, a sound which chilled me to the bone when I heard all the undertones in it.

Anger.

Despair.

Fury.

Hatred, twin of my own.

Grief, unbearable, which shaped him as surely as cruelty did, so impossibly strong that it was bleeding out of him, swirling around him like ethereal clouds of ashes.

"Every creature that lives in this realm has felt what you did," he said at last in a matter-of-fact voice. I bowed my head, gathering what little courage I had, and turned around.

Lucifer was standing a few steps away from me, his alien amethyst eyes set on me, intent. With an effort of will, I made myself sustain the inhuman gaze and I told him, "I came to pay the price of my actions. I betrayed you, like Hades I used that which binds us together against you. Nothing can undo what I did, I'd choose the same way again if I was offered another chance."

He didn't react at my words, he didn't move at all but kept his eyes locked on me. It was the truth, what I had said, harsh words which were tearing at the Light inside me, but I owed the Fallen Angel this at least. Even though grief and fear were warring within, even though my heart was weeping tears of blood, I refused to let him see it...aware that he'd know nonetheless.

Aware that I couldn't hope to dissemble anything from him.

There was no thought of risk or chance in my mind. There was no thought of forgiveness or even of life beyond the next moment. It didn't matter anymore, everything had stopped to matter except a single, pathetic shred of truth.

Baring my soul to him, I went on, "The Fire in my heart is yours, it has always been. I came here to give it back to you. I was born from the true self of Hades, in a way I am Hades. This is the truth and I acknowledge it, as I acknowledge the pact he sealed with you in times long past."

There was a long moment of frightening silence during which it was all I could do to stand my ground and to confront him without giving way to the pain within. Then he came to my side and asked in a whisper, "So easily as that?"

He reached out to me and I flinched, unable to completely master the instinctive reaction. The fingertips of his right hand lightly traced the lines of my face and I felt tears welling in my eyes at the touch, unstoppable.

It burnt.

It hurt.

I wanted to run far, far way.

I wanted to lean into the gentle caress.

I wanted Time to stand still.

I wanted....

From very far away, I felt my body shaking with emotions better left unnamed, contradictory impulses which were tearing me apart.

"I think not," he continued softly, and all of a sudden I realized that the purple eyes were still set on mine, a knowing light sparkling in their unfathomable depths. "Was it true," he asked in a voice abruptly gone distant, "what you said?"

There was no need for him to explain what he meant.

I love you. I could never forget those words, no matter how much I sometimes wanted to. They were imprinted in my heart like white-hot iron marks. They defined me as much as all my memories did. Those words had condemned me to grief and pain without any hope of ever finding peace unless I surrendered to hatred, but I could no longer do that. I could only be true and face the consequences of my choices as well as those of the insane truth of my heart.

"Yes," I told the Lord of Hell in a barely audible whisper, "yes, it was true then, and it's true now. It's absurd and it's mad," I added with a crooked, self-deprecating smile, "but it's there and I don't think it'll ever change."

"Perhaps you're indeed mad," Lucifer smiled back, a sudden, strange smile in which sorrow could be read as well as something else, something I didn't know. "Perhaps I've been contaminated by human insanity on the day I bound Hades' heart to my own essence. Who knows?" Lightly, the fingers of his right hand traveled down my face to slip under my chin and make me look at him.

"Will you come?" The Fallen Angel asked, very quietly. "Will you bind yourself to me for all eternity and be mine, and forever be denied the release of death?"

It didn't require much thinking. In truth, it didn't require thinking at all. The Fire within leapt to the fore of my being, the high flames steady and certain. Nothing could be read from Lucifer's expression or from his eyes. The beautiful amethyst of his gaze had darkened into the frightening infinity of a starless night.

"Yes," I replied, yielding to an impulse that I didn't understand and which had swept away fear or doubts in its wake.

I didn't need to understand.

I just needed to be true.

Sorrow suddenly faded from the Fallen Angel's smile and an eerie, intense fire lit his gaze. "So be it," he said in a barely audible whisper as he bent over me.

Nothing more was said, and yet slowly an ethereal echo rose inside me, the echo of words unspoken which filled my heart with warmth and embraced the Fire lying there. When our lips met, the fingers which had cupped my chin slid to the hollow of my nape and reached up to entangle themselves in my hair, their pull on its loose strands a gentle, restrained one, careful of human frailty. Surrendering to instinct, I wrapped my arms around his neck in an hesitant, awkward gesture which sparked a sudden flame of laughter in his eyes. In his back, the beautiful wings of night unfolded, teasing the skin of my wrists in a caress, a tingling sensation that sent my heart racing. With a soft rustle of feathers, they closed around us and freed us from the constraints of Time and Place for a while, eclipsing everything but the fierce, alien tenderness lighting the Fallen Angel's purple gaze.

Deep inside my heart, a pure, perfect pearl of ebony ice silently shattered into nothingness.

End.

Notes

Opoios Bainei Edo Na Parata Kathe Elpida: abandon all hope, ye who enter here. The sentence carved on the Gate of Hell is of course in Greek, I copied it from one image of Saint Seiya manga volume 23. ^^

So, this is the end of the story. I hope you're not too disappointed by it. I know sometimes readers would rather see a tragic ending, or an open ending with things left to be resolved (hm, there are still quite a few things to be resolved here, but that belongs to the domain of privacy, and I wouldn't want to be fried by Lucifer-chan if I intruded ^^). Again, if you know me, you knew I couldn't end it with chapter 12. I am evil with my characters, but I've rarely been able to abandon them at the bottom of a dark pit of despair at the end of a story. I'm weak, I suppose *EG*

The other day, I wondered if the decision of Lucifer to withdraw back to Hell, yielding to Shun's threat might sound bizarre. It shouldn't, that is if you keep in mind the Lucifer of my fic, not the canon Lucifer of religious myths. From the beginning, I have been careful to make him state that what he was after first and foremost was survival (vengeance being a very close second). Furthermore, I dropped a few hints here and there that he might care more than one would think for those who followed him in his Fall, and in truth Fell because of him. Then, there is the relationship between him and Hades, and him and Shun to consider. A nice, complicated tangle of emotions and ties and promises and pacts.

Just in case: don't be deceived, Lucifer isn't a nice guy, he is evil, and how or why Shun can feel anything for him other than hatred is not to be sought into logic or reason. Emotions and feelings, impulses of the heart are blind and rash, they do not obey to thoughts. I wanted Uriel to tell Shun that both he and Shun were Death and Salvation, because I wanted to hint at the possibility of a healing for Lucifer too. I don't like things which are set in stone for all eternity (unless it's good things, positive things of course ^^), so I deliberately directed the story towards an end which may seem completely irrational and impossible, but which is first and foremost a possibility of hope.

The descriptions of the battle of the Sanctuary in chapter 12 may have shocked some people, but I deliberately made them grisly and horrible. War is a terrible thing, a thing which should never happen, no matter for what reason. War is a failure, war brings grief and tears and pain and loss. War is awful, and its ugliness is not shown clearly enough in many movies or stories. It's often glorified, and in my opinion it should not be. I wanted to depict in detail the terrible images of the aftermath of war, in ways which would shock and perhaps make people think. I may be presumptuous when I say this, but after all it's one of the things which make stories and books so precious to me: to see in them thoughts, emotions and images exposed which make me think and sometimes act on the reality around me.

This is the end of one of my biggest projects in recent times. One I have waited for years before going further than just sparing a few idle thoughts on. I thought it was impossible for me to write something about Saint Seiya and Christianity...it looks like I was wrong. I am rather happy with the fic (this means that I'm *really* happy with it but that I'm trying to restrain myself :P), and I hope that it's the same for all those who had the courage to read it to the end. My thanks to Shanti and N-chan for recommending the Dictionary of Angels as a source of knowledge. I'm also glad I found that other book on Kabbalah, both helped me immensely in shaping this story and in building the characters of the angels. Lastly, thanks to the people of the Saint Seiya newsgroups, who by their discussions on the Lucifer movie got me to gather a pen and a piece of paper and start writing (yes, chapters 5 to 13 were really written first on paper, under the radiant sun of Greece).

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