[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

"Go now, you're exhausted. Yes...yes, it'll be all right, I'll stay with him, don't worry. Go rest, please."

The faint whisper seemed to have come from lightyears away. Strange...something was wrong, I could feel it, but I was unable to tell what it was. Perhaps if I opened my eyes, I'd understand...but my eyelids felt so heavy, the darkness was so comforting and so safe...oh well, what difference could it make anyway?

An eternity later, I slowly opened my eyes.

Darkness.

No...not complete darkness. A faint light was emanating from the ground and from my right, reflecting itself on a white ceiling. I looked at this white ceiling during a long time, lost. I was lying in a bed, and there was a smell I knew floating in the room...antiseptics. I turned my head on the left with difficulty and noticed white walls, white paving on the floor, a white door...everything around me was white. The light was coming from a small empty space between the door's base and the floor, from a corridor. I could hear faint voices on the other side and the echoes of people's steps.

I looked on my right and saw a window through which both starlight and moonlight were entering the room and disturbing the darkness. Somehow, the light hurt my eyes. Turning my head to avoid it I absentmindedly noticed an armchair on the side of the bed, in which a young man was sleeping, clearly exhausted. He looked familiar...yes, that blonde hair a bit fairer than Yuuto's.... It was one of the trio from Clamp Campus. Nokoru was his first name...Imonoyama Nokoru, the young man at the head of the Imonoyama empire, and at the head of Clamp Campus.

Reflexively my right hand closed into a fist, and in so doing I grasped the bed sheet. Its fabric felt solid and rough against my skin. This....

"This isn't a nightmare."

My eyes widened as my voice's slight whisper reached my ears. In a slow, careful motion I sat up, and immediately felt a sharp, tearing pain in my chest. My right hand gingerly felt for it and found bandages there. Numbly I shook my head. "No." I closed my eyes tightly shut, as if it could unmake reality.

I was alive.

Alive.

I brought my hand to my lips and bit the index finger, hard. It hurt, distantly, and I tasted blood in my mouth.

Alive. How was this possible? I summoned the memory and saw once again the Shinken piercing through my body. I should have died with Him; that I could be alive was an impossibility. It was absurd, ludicrous.

Then abruptly I remembered.

Soft wings of white feathers and white sakura blossom petals had closed around me with infinite gentleness as I was falling. They had chased away the pain and the fear...someone had managed to hold my spirit back.

I felt my body shaking.

Hell, why? Didn't they know? Weren't they wise enough to understand? I had chosen my Fate, I had welcomed Death. I simply had no wish to live on. I wanted to be free. Damn them, what right had they to do this? Something stung my eyes and I reflexively wiped a tear away. I didn't want to feel this pain, this guilt...I didn't want to live with those memories, I didn't want to remember killing my brother, I didn't want to remember Death raping my heart and my soul!

I stood up slowly. It hurt and I felt weak, but I could stand and walk. In silence I stepped towards the window and opened it. The cold air of the night entered the room and I took a deep breath, unheeding of the pain the movement caused. I wanted to be free, and I would be. Cautiously I went out the window and closed it behind me.

I shivered as a violent gust of wind took in my slight shirt. Looking down at myself, I felt a bitter, ironic smile come to my lips, and I thought that I was lucky no one had caught sight of me like this, with those thin hospital clothes and no shoes on my feet. Beneath me, the pavement was awfully cold. Hell, I was freezing. The thought made me chuckle. I slowly walked to the rail and went over it.

The lights of Tokyo in the night were hiding the stars. A pity, but in their own way, they were beautiful. I looked back when I heard a car approaching, but it overtook me and disappeared quickly, its driver unaware of my presence. For some reason there didn't seem to be much traffic on the Rainbow Bridge tonight, which suited me fine. The fingers of my right hand grabbed one of the cables for support and I looked down.

Water, dark and bottomless.

Silent.

Waiting.

My eyes set on it, captivated by the sight of it, I smiled. This one wouldn't let me escape. The Rainbow Bridge...I laughed, a harsh, mocking sound which echoed in the night. It was a fitting place for me to die. Rainbow...renewal, hope. My only hope was down at the bottom of those deep murky waters. Way down. Abruptly I wondered if I wasn't afraid of heights, and laughed harder. Absurd, just as the thought of keeping on living was. My fingers let go of the thick cable.

"You planned on leaving the scene without witnesses, didn't you?"

I froze as the sounds reached my ears. "Well, didn't you?"

I should have discarded the voice, but I found myself reluctantly facing the intruder. Shrugging, I replied, "And what if I did?"

Yuuto's blue eyes were locked on me, the expression on his face an unreadable one. We stared at each other, unmoving for a few seconds, and then he gave me a contemptuous smile. "Are you such a coward then, Shun? Can't you even face your memories?"

Anger rose inside me, burning and dangerously close to fury. My hands clenched into fists, I snarled, "Damn you, no one has the right to say this! Not you, not anyone! I had chosen my path, and you or someone else disrupted this path. My death was logical, hell it was fitting! How can you judge me, how can you know what I felt when Death's spirit ravaged mine!? Tell me, why should I live? I killed my brother, I betrayed my friends, I insulted them, fought them, I hurt the one I--" Looking away from him, I fought to get a grip on my emotions, but the flames within were rising, scorching everything in their wake. In a hollow voice, I told him, "I'd have killed even you."

The sound of those words echoed in the air around us, and I snapped. Shaking my head violently, hating the tears I could feel rising in my eyes and the lump in my throat, I cried out, "To hell with cowardice and bravery, I don't give a damn about that anymore! This is my life, it belongs to me, and I'm free!" When I saw him bowing his head, I laughed. "So you see! Now leave me alone! Go or stay if you want to watch, it's the same to me!"

For a moment I thought he'd turn his back on me and walk away, but then he looked up at me, in a slow motion, and said in a quiet voice, "Your brother is alive, Shun."

My heart skipped a beat. "What!?"

The clear blue eyes met mine, and he gave me a gentle smile as he explained, "The Phoenix rose from his ashes, as he always does. This time though, he was freed from Death's realm by someone...by you."

Bowing my head, I remembered the vision of the great bird of fire flying up towards the light. So it had worked. My life in exchange for his, but.... I looked up at the nightsky, unheeding of the tears running down my cheeks. But it changed nothing, nothing at all. I had raised my hand against him, I had used my power and struck at him to kill; and the rest remained true as well. So I told the man standing before me, "It doesn't change anything, Kigai-san." I thought I saw him flinching when he heard me using his last name. I chuckled sadly. Fond wish. Fool that I was--

"Oh yes it does! Damn you, Shun, I love you!"

I looked at him, my mind reeling as the words echoed within, on and on, and as their impossible meaning registered in my brain. Eyes wild, I shook my head, stammering incoherently, "No...I rejected you, I told you never to touch me again...I chased you away, I--"

Eyes shining with what might have been tears, he flung himself towards me, and I stepped back, stopping only when I felt the void below my right heel. Something akin to terror, raw, was devouring my heart. He froze when he saw my movement, forcing himself to stop, his fists tightly closed.

In a strained voice, he said, "I know, and I know why you did that, as well as you know why I hurt you when you came to me before we left for Tokyo Tower." Protect each other...we had simply been protecting each other. "You've got no right to give up, Shun. You have people who love you, hear me!? Hell, maybe it's hard to contemplate what you've been through, but you're not alone, we're here for you. Maybe it's not easy to face your friends and your brother again, but do it, damn you, and live!"

His cry resounded inside me, and I shivered, feeling the terrible fear and also the fierce love it had contained. Unable to help myself, I looked up at him and searched his face, trying to discern the truth. Could it be? Could it be that they forgave me for what I had done, could it be that my brother didn't hate me? Could it be that...Yuuto really loved me? To live demanded so much, it was so painful, and Death would have been so much easier. A single step back would suffice, and there was nothing that Yuuto could do to prevent me.

On impulse, I asked him in a whisper, "If I told you that living is unbearable for me, even with your love, even with the forgiveness and love of my friends, if I told you that He hurt my soul so much that each second of life is a torment, if I told you that nothing you or anyone can do will ever help this horrible pain that tortures me, if I told you that although I'd be alive, each of my waking and sleeping moments I'd pray for the release of death, I'd yearn for it..." Fighting to master the sobs which were rising in my throat, threatening to make my voice unsteady, and also to prevent my body from shaking as the memories I evoked assailed my being, I added with a faint, sad smile, "if I told you all that, would you let me make the last step and end it now?"

As my words faded into silence, I saw that his eyes were brimming with unshed tears. He looked at me during a long time, and then eventually smiled with infinite sadness, whispering back, "Yes...yes, I told you that I loved you, Shun. I do love you, and if it's the only thing that can help your pain, if there's no way I can help you bear with it, if I can't share that burden with you...I--" With a slow shake of his head, he went on, in a quiet voice carefully devoid of emotion, "You're free, your life is your own. So...go ahead if you must. I'll cherish every memory I have of you."

Staring at him steadily, I nodded and moved a foot backwards, expecting him to react, but he didn't make a move. He just watched, his face a livid mask and his eyes empty. From somewhere deep inside of me, warmth began to spread, reaching my heart and I smiled despite myself. "I guess that you just won this one, Yuuto."

Disbelief flashed in the clear blue eyes as I walked to the rail and went over it, finding myself on the same side as he. Love...yes, it was the name of this radiant fire warming my soul. That he'd have let me take my life when it hurt him so.... He came to me and the fingers of his left hand brushed against my face in a gentle caress, wiping the tears away. Then his arms wrapped around me, enfolding me into a gentle and careful embrace, cautious of the wound.

"You stupid fool!" I could feel him trembling against me. Unheeding of the pain, I held him close with all my strength, resting my head against his chest and relishing the feeling of him. I had hurt him, I knew that.

In a barely audible whisper, I told him, head bowed, "Forgive me." Closing my eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears, I said, "I love you, Yuuto."

A finger gently lifted my chin, forcing me to look up, and I saw that his eyes were shining with joy. Softly, he replied. "So do I." He bent over me and his lips brushed against mine in a tender kiss. Then he smiled, chuckling. "We'd better go, this isn't the right place for a love declaration now, is it?" He took off his coat and gently put it on my shoulders. "You're going to freeze if we stay here." With a mischievous grin, he added, "Besides, concrete and metal make a very uncomfortable mattress...not recommended with your wound."

Heat came to my cheeks and I stammered, blushing. "You...you have a one track mind, mister!"

Suddenly the wind brought something soft to my right hand, and I blinked when I recognized the object. A sakura petal, pure white. I looked at the darkness and smiled as I saw a tall shape detaching itself from the shadows. Yuuto tensed against me, but I nodded. "Well met, Sakurazuka-san. Tell me, why are you here, were you worried about me?"

He chuckled, waving my words away. "Let's just say that I wondered."

My fingers gently caressed the delicate petal and I asked him in a soft whisper, "You were the one who held me back, weren't you?"

He shook his head, a strange smile coming to his lips. "Not entirely correct."

A harsh, bitter voice cut him off. "I helped him to bring your spirit back."

Turning on the left to see who had spoken, I froze.

Sumeragi Subaru.

The white feathers...of course. I should have known, but he--

"As you wished, I neither lost nor won, Shun-san." The beautiful emerald eyes were full of pain, a pain I understood all too well. To reach me, they had had to combine their powers, to let their spirits touch...and, Goddess, that was bound to have hurt him terribly. To love one who had hurt him so much must be horrible, but...I looked at Sakurazuka Seishirou who nodded back at me, with the same mysterious smile on his face.

"Yes, you've paid my price, Shun-san." He faced Sumeragi Subaru, and his smile left his face as he said quietly, "The wish Shun-san granted was my freedom, Subaru-kun. From now on, I'll never have to pay tribute to Death again, ever. Oh I am who I am, that won't change, but I have choices which weren't open to me before." A gentle smile came to his lips when he said, "Although you'll bear my mark until you die, the hunt is over." With a fatalistic shrug and a small sigh, he added, "I'm the shadow where you're the light, Subaru-kun, it *must* be this way, but we don't need to be enemies. To change the past isn't in my power, and besides I don't regret what happened. Surprising though it may seem to you, I had respect and affection for your sister. Hokuto-chan was an exceptional person. I hope that one day your heart will heal from that wound, I hope that one day you'll find some measure of peace."

That said, he turned his back on us and started to walk away. I looked at Sumeragi Subaru, and saw that his hands were closed into tight fists at his sides. He was trembling, his head bowed and his body screaming his distress.

His pain.

His love.

Suddenly a violent gust of wind pushed him forward and he was forced to stumble forward to keep his balance. As if the wind had released him, he ran towards the disappearing shape of the assassin. With stupor I saw the thin transparent shape of a young girl who was the mirror image of Sumeragi Subaru standing right where he had been a second earlier. A knowing smile came to her face, and I saw her lips shape the words, "Subaru no baka."

Blinking, I wondered whether this had been an aberration of my mind trying to interpret the sound of the wind. In front of us, Sakurazuka Seishirou froze in his tracks when he heard the faint sounds of the young man's steps, and Sumeragi Subaru just bumped into him...and held him close, desperately.

"Seishirou-san."

During a fraction of a second, Sakurazuka Seishirou's mask cracked, letting stupefaction, and something that looked like a fierce love come through. The image of the beautiful bird of prey came to my mind and I nodded silently, smiling. In a slow motion, one of his hands reached up and covered Subaru Sumeragi's, squeezing gently.

"Tottemo kawaii desu ne, ano futari!" I turned towards the ghostly girl, the girl who had to be Sumeragi Subaru 's sister and smiled. She chuckled happily, and at the same time, a hand appeared out of nowhere, reaching out to her, and she took it with a radiant smile. As she started fading back into nothingness, I saw her turn towards me and thought I heard her say, "Sayonara."

Yuuto's right arm closed around my shoulders and he said, "Maybe we should go as well. You need rest, and besides, we're bothering those two." I nodded and let him draw me away from the Rainbow Bridge.

Away from death.

"Well, aren't we going in?"

I shook my head and smiled, watching the three people peacefully sitting on the wooden floor of the terrace and enjoying the afternoon sun. "No. I just wanted to see for myself that they were all right. I have no wish to remind them of things they had rather forget."

A few steps away, Monou Kotori laughed happily, whirling around Shirou Kamui who shook his head in refusal as she tried to make him join her in the dance. Monou Fuuma was watching the both of them with a fond smile on his lips. A normal life...it seemed they might eventually regain that, and it made me happy. It lifted a part of the weight from my shoulders. Shooting me a sharp look, Yuuto shrugged. "As you wish. Then shall we go?"

I nodded. "Yes..." With a heavy sigh, I added, "You know, I really don't want to do this."

Gently he drew me against him, whispering in my ear, "I know, Shun."

When we had left the Rainbow Bridge that night, we had gone back to his house, and I had stayed there till now, healing. He had forbidden anyone from coming, at my request. Him I trusted, him I loved. He *knew*, and he accepted what had happened. He had forgiven me, and he had left me no other choice than to accept his forgiveness. But the others...the thought of seeing my brother again frightened me. Hyoga, Shiryu, Seiya, Athena...I didn't know how to face them.

I stepped hesitantly through the long corridor, trying not to feel threatened by the very walls of the great house. The Graude Mansion in which I had lived during so much time now seemed foreign to me. Yuuto's hand softly squeezed on my left shoulder, reassuring, and I let out a small shuddering sigh. It was hard, harder than I had thought, and without the man at my side I'd never have found the courage to come back here. At last, we came to the terrace, and I froze.

They were all there, waiting with worry in their eyes, and...what was Virgo Shaka doing, standing beside them?

Yuuto gave me a gentle push ion the back and I stepped forward not to fall. Bowing low, I said in a formal voice, "Saori Ojo-san, I'm happy to see you are well."

She nodded. "So am I, Shun, I--" Suddenly I heard steps coming towards me and she closed her hands around mine, exclaiming, "No, I can't bear this masquerade!" Unable to deny the pain I had heard in her voice, I looked up at her, and her hands squeezed mine urgently. There were tears in her eyes, mix of sadness and joy. "Shun, I'm so happy to see you, I..." she shook her head, "we were so afraid for you. We thought you'd never come, we thought...." She smiled helplessly. "We love you, Shun. I don't know what you've been thinking, but there's nothing to forgive...or rather, I should be the one to ask for your forgiveness, because you suffered all this unprepared and unknowing because of me."

I looked beyond her and saw dark grey eyes locked on me.

Ikki-niisan.

Saori gently let go of me and I took a faltering step towards my brother, unable to help myself. No matter how much I was afraid of his reaction, I needed to talk to him. When I reached his side, he held me close, hugging me fiercely, and said in a gruff voice, "You fool! Did you think I wouldn't understand? Didn't you feel my spirit with you?"

Between sobs, I whispered back, "Yes, yes I felt your presence...I thought I was hallucinating...Ikki-niisan...I... Forgive me...Although there can be no forgiveness for what I did to you, I--"

His hand gently tousled my hair, and he said, cutting me off, "Hush, stop saying nonsense, will you? I told you that I understood, and I'm proud of you." He made me look at him, gently but firmly. "Hear me? I'm proud you had the courage to do this. I know how terribly it hurt you. I'm proud of you and I love you, never forget that, never doubt it."

I nodded and stepped back. Before any of the others could say a thing, I shook my head, and told them with a gentle smile, "No forgiveness. You don't ask for mine, and I don't ask for yours. We don't need that, okay?"

Shiryu nodded silently, smiling, while Seiya discreetly tried to wipe a tear from his eyes and I chuckled, crying myself. Then I saw Hyoga bowing his head. Stepping over to him, I rested my hands on his shoulders, and shook him gently. "Stop that, will you? Didn't you hear me?" His blue eyes locked on me, shame clearly written in them along with guilt and sorrow. I shook my head. "That won't do, Hyoga, that won't do at all. You're my friend, and that's what counts. In your place I might have done worse. You know how I am once I'm really angry, ne?" Slowly, reluctantly he nodded and I smiled. "Well that's a starting point, I guess. You know, I was terrified of facing all of you, I thought that you'd never forgive me, that you'd hate me."

Shock flashed into the Cygnus Saint's eyes as he protested vigorously. "No! No, Shun, never, if only I had known, I'd never have said those things to you!"

I nodded, still smiling. "I know, Hyoga. As I said, it's over, and I don't intend to forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive, okay?"

Now for the hardest part. Stepping back, I faced Saori Kido, but before I could talk she stared at me steadily and said, a sad and knowing smile on her lips, "Shun, I believe you understand why I let you go without warning you, why I abandoned you like this. This will gnaw at my heart for as long as I live, but just as you chose when the time came, I had to make a choice as well...and humanity came before you, no matter how much it cost me. My wish is that you'd take back the Andromeda Cloth and be a Saint once more...but you're free. Do what you feel will be the best for you."

I sighed, bowing my head and then faced her. "I understand why you did what you did, Saori Ojo-san. I was one of your Saints, and it was your right to use me. It was the right thing to do I'm sure, I wouldn't have wanted it otherwise." Unwilling to sustain the gaze of the deep purple eyes any longer, I shook my head. "However, I've lost something in that battle. There's a pain which lingers inside me, memories, a bitterness. As long as it's there, I can't be one of your Saints anymore, and I don't think it'll ever leave me. I don't think I'll ever be free of it." Catching sight of the troubled light which flickered briefly in her eyes, I shrugged. "Don't worry though, I've learnt to live with it, thanks to Yuuto. His love heals me slowly. I won't wear the Andromeda Cloth again, and I don't think I'll set foot in the Sanctuary again either. I hope you'll forgive me for this one day."

Her hands closed on mine again. "Shun, there is no need for forgiveness. I hope you'll heal one day, I hope the memories will stop hurting you." Head bowed, she let out a sad, weary sigh and said in a whisper, "My blessing on you, and on your companion as well. You'll always be in my thoughts, Shun. Always."

I stepped back slowly and started turning away from her, my heart heavy.

"Yours is the right to come into the Sacred Domain and climb the Great Stairs until the sixth House, Shun." I shot a sharp glance at Virgo Shaka, completely taken aback. He was smiling. "This right I grant unto you, and unto your mate as well, for the time when you come back to Greece. When the time come, there will be a place for you in the Virgo House."

I shook my head, uncomprehending. "How can you be so sure I'll ever go back to the Sanctuary?"

He chuckled gently. "Because I *know*, Shun."

Yuuto's arm gently encircled my shoulders, bringing me close to him and I sighed happily, leaning against him. "Well, it went well, even if it wasn't easy for you, Shun, ne?" I nodded, and chuckled suddenly. "What?"

Laughing, I told him, "Virgo Shaka called you my mate...that's old-fashioned!"

His lips brushed against my hair, and he whispered softly, "You know, he reminded me of something I have been meaning to ask you." I looked up at him. "Would you accept to share my life?"

I shrugged, and replied with a guileless smile. "I thought it was crystal clear to you, mister seducer." I reached out to him and softly pushed a lock of hair away from his face, whispering, "Yes. I want it as much as you do, and you know it full well."

Abruptly He hugged me tight and his lips pressed against mine in a passionate kiss. I yielded to the wonderful feeling inside my heart and melted in his arms.

"Hey!"

Arms gently helped me to keep my balance. Oooh my head! I rubbed my left temple cautiously and looked at the soccer ball with a furious scowl. Damn! Yuuto chuckled as he saw I was okay. "Well, don't be too angry, after all this is a public square, and kids are supposed to play in places like this. Besides, maybe we should go somewhere quiet before we shock someone!"

With a helpless chuckle, I told him, "I guess you're right." Goddess, I was feeling so good, so wonderfully happy. I couldn't stay angry when he smiled at me like that. A mischievous glint dancing in my eyes, I said in a whisper, "You're a dangerous seducer, you know that."

He tenderly held me close, and a satisfied grin came to his face. "Of course I know, lover mine, of course I know."

He gently drew me out of the park, and I blushed, which made him laugh fondly. Damn him! Laughing, I elbowed him, freeing myself from his embrace and ran on ahead with him on my heels.

End.

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