An X fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
I open my eyes and feel a weight upon my chest. There's someone leaning against me. I look down and see Sumeragi Subaru.
For a moment I wonder, and then I remember. I remember the white feathers, so soft, I remember the gentle, careful touch of his soul. I remember....
My arms close around him of their own accord, hugging him and bringing him close to me. There is a dull ache coming from my wounds, but it's really unimportant.
I can feel his heart beating against mine, I can feel the soft silk of his raven black hair against my throat, tickling my skin ever so slightly.
His pain is so terrible, and despite that...he brought them all back, those memories, those emotions that tear his soul apart.
So that I won't let myself be imprisoned like he did.
He endured it all again, for me. Somehow, the enormity of what he did slips on the surface of my mind, as if I was unable to contemplate such a sacrifice. There, I said it: a sacrifice.
I hold him a bit closer, a bit tighter, careful not to hurt him or wake him.
Rest, Sumeragi Subaru.
His breathing is quiet. The fingers of my right hand gently reach out and brush through his hair.
I smile softly.
This attitude is out of character for me. This gentle warmth filling my soul.... My heart has gone out to him.
I feel tears in my eyes, but they do not burn. They're a good thing somehow, as if cleansing me of anger and fury, washing the wall of bitter resentment away.
Sumeragi Subaru, what you have done for me I can never repay.
You said you had stopped caring for others, but it was a lie you had woven to protect yourself. Your hatred a shroud around your soul, a shroud to mask the truth you shared with me and which hurts you so much.
I understand. Oh how I understand....
Pain rises inside me, like a tidal wave, memories flash, and I make myself watch, and accept them once again. Tears slowly run down my cheeks, but I don't wipe them away. It's all right.
Mother asked me once what reasons I had to want this world to live. She smiled when I told her I wanted to protect Kotori and Fuuma. She said it was good. But when I saw Kotori die....
When I saw Fuuma....
It hurt. It still hurts, and even if I live for an eternity it will keep on hurting. I don't think anything can ever make that pain go away. I'm not even sure I want it to go away. My pain is linked to my memories of them, and deep inside of me I fear that if the pain ever faded...I'd forget, I'd lose them...forever.
I look at Sumeragi Subaru's face resting against my chest. The lines of pain have left him for now.
I wish I could make it so they'll never come back.
I told Fuuma I would protect the earth for him and Kotori. With the both of them gone, this lost all meaning, and I thought: better to die. Better to close my eyes and let oblivion claim me.
I was wrong.
I understand that now. Even though the storm clouds are now gathered above us and mask the sun, even though darkness seems to hold sway...it does not mean light won't come back.
As long as I believe.
As long as I hope.
As long as I dream.
No one can take this away from me, no one but myself.
You taught me that, Sumeragi Subaru. You showed me.
I'll fight, I'll save the one who is my friend and dearer to me than my life. I accept the possibility of failure. I must accept it, for I have something else worth fighting for.
Worth living for.
Worth hurting for.
Sumeragi Subaru, I'll protect you. You, and this humanity you love so very much.
Strange...I feel at peace. Even though chaos looms. I feel at peace for the first time in what seems like an eternity.
Oh, anger and fury are still there, but for now they have backed away. They wait, and likely they'll come again when I summon them. I know I'll need them when the time comes.
The Promised Day.... To hell with Fate. I do not bow to Destiny or any other crap of the same kind. I'll fight for what matters to me. I'll defend people I hold dear. Period. And if some want to call this fulfilling a stupid Prophecy, well, they're welcome to it. I don't give a damn.
I hid myself behind a shield of arrogance, pride and apparent selfishness. Uncaring.... Ah, I never was uncaring, although I've often wished I could be. There have been many times when I thought that caring for anyone or anything was a weakness, but I realize I was wrong, and I'm happy I was.
To be detached, totally indifferent is to be empty, like that assassin who hurt Sumeragi Subaru so. Sakurazukamori. I could almost feel pity.
He's not even alive. He's walking along a path, unable to choose any change of direction, and in front of him is his predestined death.
Of course he smiles when he takes a life, of course he doesn't feel pain, of course he doesn't regret...but does this make him strong? How could someone who doesn't know fear be brave? How could someone who doesn't know grief, who must not fight against himself to face what the future holds be strong?
I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of the sleeping Onmyouji I'm holding close. Through him, through Fuuma and the other Dragons of Heaven, it's every life I want to help, every life I want to protect.
My dreams have no limits.
I open my eyes again and look at the young man, feeling....
Tenderness, pain, grief, fear, despair, hope, sorrow.
They all clash inside of me, but for some reason, it doesn't hurt, as if I was standing right in the eye of the hurricane, where everything is so quiet that even time seems to stand still.
I wish you would....
I shake my head. Soon, the balance will shift, ever so slightly, and pain will engulf me again. I know and accept that. I'll never forget what I stand for anymore.
What is precious to me.
I promise you, Sumeragi Subaru. I promise you.
I bend over him and very lightly let my lips brush his hair in a kiss.
I want this moment to last forever.
I know the name of the bright fire lighting my heart and my soul. I've always known it. I've always had this fire within, I just had forgotten how to give life to it again.
It's so simple....
My heart is beating in harmony with Sumeragi Subaru's, with every living being's on this world.
This fire is called love.
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