Night is the Mirror of my Soul
An Earthian fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
I close the door behind me and lean against the wall. It is night already, strange how time can pass without my being aware of it, stolen from me, escaping from my grasp...
My mind freezes as three words echo within me.
Stolen from me...
I should not be here, the roof isn't a very comfortable place, and the wind isn't gentle. I am here because I do not want to be inside, go to bed, be with him. I want to be alone, because that is the truth. I am alone, I always have been and I always will be.
I look up at the pool of stars and watch my reflection as I spread my wings.
Not white, oh no.
Why am I... Different ?
But no, each time I have a glimpse of hope, it is torn from me, each time I am about to at last meet one who is like me, Death comes.
I close my eyes and bow my head, unable to bear the pain my memories bring. If only I could howl my sorrow, my distress and my refusal to the night, but I can't. Nothing can express the storm of emotions raging within me. I stand at the heart of the hurricane, where absolute silence rules... Where emptiness is all there is.
I am empty.
I am no one.
I am an aberration that should not exist.
Why do I not walk to the rail ? I should walk to the rail, the city lights and the streets can be seen much better from there. I like watching them. I like watching the Earthians live.
Am I afraid that if I walked to this spot then I would step beyond ? Is this the self-preservation instinct ?
I shake my head, hiding my wings, and push myself away from the wall.
There is a noisy creak as the door behind me opens, and I freeze, waiting for the reproach that is coming.
"Now, what are you doing here ?..."
I feel the beginnings of a smile coming to my lips. It is so painful, this smile...
"Damn you and your whims chihaya, what are you doing here at this time of night ?"
I whisper softly :
I make to walk away, but his right hand closes around my left arm, squeezing hard. I stop then, and he jerks me around to force me to face him. The light of anger shines in his eyes, as it often does these days. He sighs :
"It's about Messiah, isn't it ?"
I shrug, knowing it is useless to discuss this subject with him.
He looks at me, but doesn't see me.
He touches me but doesn't reach me.
I am transparent.
Why doesn't he ?...
"Snap out of it Chihaya !..."
His hold on me is so strong that it hurts. I watch his fingers gripping my arm, bruising my skin. I feel the pain like a eerie thing, outside of me, as if my body was not really a part of me anymore.
"Stop it !"
He is shaking me. Hard. I look beyond him and ask :
"What is the point ? Can you tell me ? Who I am ? What..."
Suddenly, he releases me, pushing me back violently.
I stagger and step back to keep my balance until my back hits the rail. He hisses, exasperated :
"No I cannot tell you ! You really are pathetic Chihaya, and I have had about enough of your self-pity and cowardly attitude. You are who and what you are. No more, no less. Face it, face yourself, accept yourself and go on. Yes, your wings are black, yes mine are white, as well as every other angel's we know. So what ? Stop whining about it and make yourself useful instead of being a burden I am getting tired of carrying around. Look beyond your own precious self, why don't you ?!"
He sighs, biting his lower lip to prevent himself from going further. He doesn't need to, I can feel the anger shining around him like a beacon fire.
Anger... It is all he has given me these last few days...
All he has given me...
I blink, as a flash of red darkens my vision all of a sudden.
His shadow on me as he stood in front of me. Taking the shots that should have reached me.
His blood, flowing...
As he shielded me.
His pain, as steel pierced through his wings.
I bow my head, my hands grasp the rail behind me. I need to feel the icy coldness of the metal against my lower back, I need its support or I know I will fall.
I whisper almost inaudibly :
I cannot look at him, I cannot face him. He is right, I am...
An insignificant fool who spends his time feeling sorry for himself, chasing after ghosts.
I whisper his name as if it could undo the truth I perceive, the ugliness of who I am.
"I deserve them..."
Yes, I deserve the black wings, I...
I'm so sorry.
Now he will go back to our room and try to sleep, he doesn't have time to waste on me, it's useless anyway. In a few seconds I will hear his steps fading into silence, and I will be alone again. I am unable to go with him, the emptiness within me is too full of darkness, darkness so black that even the night cannot reflect it, even the starlight cannot reach it.
I wish he would not...
Arms embrace me gently from behind as the soft whisper reaches my ears.
"You stupid fool..."
I can feel him, I can feel his warmth, his strength, his breath against my neck. Suddenly, something tears within me and I turn to face him, holding on to him for dear life, burying my head in his chest as sobs overcome me like a tidal wave, sorrow resonating painfully in the void of my heart and engulfing my soul. I stammer incoherently :
"I need you... I need you... I'm... selfish but I..."
He hugs me tight, silent for a while, and then sighs slightly :
"Yes you are... But I suppose I must bear with it... You are my partner, and there isn't much I can do against that particular curse..."
I look up at him, dreading to believe what the tone of his voice told me.
He is smiling.
"If only you had enough brains to remember that, and to trust me... To come to me before it is too late... Instead of that, I must constantly chase after you and improvise when you find yourself in those inextricable situations that you seem to attract like a magnet..."
I drown into his eyes, I lose myself in the feeling of him and the sound of his words. It should always be like this. We should always... I nod slowly.
"I'm sorry... I forget, somehow I always forget... I see you so much like a part of myself that instinctively I expect you to know..."
I look away, embarrassed.
"To know that even if..."
He chuckles gently, interrupting me.
"Hush, silly. I know... I just wish you would allow me past that wall you raise as soon as something troubles you..."
He releases me, smiling.
"So, will you come down now, or do you want to catch a cold and have me nurse you back to health during a week or two ?"
I look up at the night, and at the stars shining so brightly. They are beautiful, so far away... Forever out of reach and yet so close if I know how to look... Often, I forget, but now thanks to him I remember... I face him again and nod :
"I'll go with you. And..."
He stares at me questioningly. My voice reduces to the barest whisper.
"Kagestuya, I... Would you..."
He arches an eyebrow, and then holds me close, whispering in my ear :
"I thought I was rough, and you not in the mood these days..."
I blush furiously, bowing my head.
"I'm sorry I said that, I..."
His lips tenderly brush my hair as he says :
"I was merely teasing you, stupid plus checker..."
His left arm passes around my shoulders, keeping me against him as he gently steers me towards the door.
This feels so right.
I close my eyes and lean against the one who is my partner, allowing the pain to stop haunting me for a while, allowing him to shield me truly.
I will not forget anymore.
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