Reflections of Dawn
An X fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
I feel tired.
I feel exhausted.
In the distance, I can hear soft voices, whispers in the night. Slowly, I get up from the bed, weakly pushing the white sheets away. Standing is strangely hard. But then, perhaps it is not so surprising after what happened. I walk slowly to the bay window and look at the tiny dots of light shining in the darkness.
The stars are beautiful.
My hand gently pushes on the handle and the door of glass obediently slides open with a muffled creaking sound. I stop, straining my ears, but the faint sound of voices does not vary. I smile as I get out on the terrace. How could they imagine that I have already woken up?
I lean on the stone railing and look at the town in front of me.
Spreading its lights in the darkness like a cloud of shining fireflies in the night.
I love Tokyo.
It's a unique city that enjoys watching its slow decline.
I bow my head.
That's what you told me once.
My heart is heavy.
It's painful, but.... I smile softly.
A gentle breeze blows.
The silence of the night is absolute.
I want to be alone.
The lights of Tokyo Tower stand out in the distance. Priceless jewels that they are.
Sorrow. Yes, this overwhelming pain that I feel, this cry I can sense rising in my throat, it's sorrow.
Not hatred, never that. And even if it had been....
The vision of Kamui's purple eyes haunts my memory. Eyes so deep and expressive...so full of despair and refusal, and then....
So full of determination.
I smile again. When I brought him back, I brought my own self back. In saving him, I saved myself. I know that now. Now that I have woken up, and that I haven't lost the pain.
I told him that he had hidden himself away, as I had once.
I shake my head.
I was wrong, because I was still hiding myself when I reached the heart of his dream. It's only when I showed him my memories, when I explained...that I had to look, and listen to myself talking. It's only then that I was forced to understand and to see. It's because of him. I could have chosen to remain hidden, but he chose to fight. He chose to face Fate.
He's brave, that one.
I chuckle softly.
And he drew me along with him.
I sigh, hugging myself and looking up at the night sky again.
All those years I hid myself from the pain, from grief and loss.
I think I was dead during that time.
I was a fool.
I hid myself behind a veil I named hatred.
Hatred is nothing more than the dark side of love. Hatred. It's love, in a way. But what I felt was much more devious and dangerous.
Bitterness. Resentment. Self-pity. Anger.
Like a shroud imprisoning me. Devouring me. Blinding me to the truth and to what truly matters.
No you didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.
Because I'm not strong enough. Or rather, because I was not.
Anger...I was so full of it that you had me at your mercy in the blink of an eye when we met yesterday. Anger had filled me, fury.... I was nothing but fury.
I let myself be engulfed in it so deeply that I even forgot my sister's face, her smile, her jokes, her pranks, her joy of life.
Hokuto-chan...will you ever forgive me my stupidity?
I can only pray it's not too late.
I hug myself a bit tighter.
It hurts, this pain.
It's hard to accept some things. It's hard to accept...love.
I'm neither the first, nor the last to love someone who does not, or cannot return that love. I can face it, embrace it and go on.
It will never leave me.
I will not let the love I feel fade away.
Because my love defines me.
Because my love is my strength.
Because my love is the key of everything.
I am who I am.
Just as you are who you are.
And I know that cannot, will not change.
I remember your eyes as you struck me.
I remember the sound of your voice as you told me I was nothing but a stone. I remember the emptiness.
I remember each of your blows. What my body felt then is nothing compared to what my soul felt. And still feels in part.
My heart bleeds. I don't think the wound can ever be healed. Perhaps it's better this way, I don't know.
I remember you striking down my sister. Smiling as her life faded away.
You knew I could see it all.
You knew I was still alive.
Nothing you did was by accident or whim.
I don't understand what your goal was. What you wanted to do....
I shiver a bit. The weather is yet cold, and the breeze is getting stronger.
It doesn't matter anyway. It will end soon.
I whisper your name in the night.
I know you can hear me. Wherever you are.
Are you smiling?
I remember everything.
I remember each time you smiled softly to me.
Each time you teased me.
Each time you saved my life.
Each time you held me in your arms and I blushed, pushing away.
Each time you came within a breath of kissing me and refrained.
I didn't dream the dear, precious friend who was always there for me when I needed him. I didn't dream the man who understood how I felt better than anyone I had ever met, the man gifted with a sensibility so great he could feel my distress and my doubts, my pain and make them go away with a simple word.
I nod at the night and the stars.
I didn't dream the friend I found that I loved. You threw yourself in front of me to protect me from that woman. It wasn't a well-thought out act. No, you had no time to prepare then. And you lost an eye. Perhaps it's only fair that you took something from me in return.
I don't know.
This man I love with all my heart and soul, he's part of you. No matter you are the Sakurazukamori, and my enemy. No matter you are a Dragon of Earth, no matter you are a merciless assassin who killed and will kill again if given the chance.
I will never hide from the truth again.
I love this person within you. This person you might have been if things had been different, in another life.
I don't claim to understand who you are. I can barely claim to understand myself.
But I know the man I came to love is not a simple mask, or a simple illusion. The best deception, the best lie is the one woven by mixing the truth to it, and we both know that.
Slowly, the darkness of the night turns to grey.
I look at the city lights.
Each of those tiny dots is a life.
Unique and precious.
Bitterness and resentment clouded my mind and my soul.
Self-pity blinded me.
I would have fought you, but for the wrong reasons.
And I would have lost.
I would have denied myself, and destroyed my soul.
Now I am awake again.
I am alive.
I remember what I stand for.
What is precious to me.
And every living being on this planet.
I must protect and help, heal....
And I will.
Soon the day will dawn.
The Promised Day.
We will fight, you and I.
We will fight, and I shan't lose.
And for love...yes, for love, I will kill you.
Slowly, the sun rises behind the horizon, and its rays reflect on a myriad of windows, splashing the city with blinding white light.
I turn away from the view and walk back towards the room, reflexively wiping away the tears soaking my face.
The pain is the proof that I am alive.
And the serenity that envelops me the proof that my decision is the right one.
I know now.
I get inside the room and silently slide the bay window shut behind me. It will be time to fight soon enough. First, I need to rest a bit.
One last time, I face the light of dawn and smile.
Seishirou-san, I love you.
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