Take this Gift
A Rg Veda fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
The eyes open. Their beautiful golden irises are set on me, still unseeing for the moment. I watch as fragments of light sparkle in those clear pools, and feel a smile coming to my lips, unbidden.
I reel backwards, slowly. So slowly it seems that I'm becoming insubstantial while my life is spilling away from me. I wonder, in the end, will I feel what it is to be pure spirit? Somehow, that thought makes me feel like laughing.
I like this sensation of fall, I like the idea of night blue soft silk closing around me, enfolding me, choking out what little life there is yet within me.
The manner of it, the slowness of it, all this is fitting. Oh yes, the pain of it as well.
Suddenly awareness comes back to those eyes, and then understanding strikes like a sword. Shock registers, and of course, refusal.
Ah...no, this is wrong. Predictable of course, but wrong.
I smile gently, wishing I could reach out and caress the cheek on which a teardrop is running. Really, it doesn't belong there. I wish you'd understand that I'm doing this of my own free will, that I've chosen this path. I wish you'd know how I've longed for this. I wish you'd forgive me.
Even if there had been another way, still I'd have done it in this fashion.
You have to understand...but perhaps I'm asking too much. Yes, it's likely I am. But then, do I care?
Do I care?
The truth is I don't know myself, and I've had enough of trying to find the answer to that question. Is that cowardly? Of course.
Did I ever pretend I was brave?
I don't recall ever saying this, but then I have told so many lies, manipulated so many lives...played....
It wasn't even funny.
It was just expected.
Strange, why do I feel resentment? It's stupid, and serves no purpose.
My eyelids are growing heavy, and I can feel sleep claming me. A long, eternal sleep. Oh it won't be dreamless or peaceful, even though that would be my wish. But at least this will end, permanently.
I wonder, have I ever cared for anyone, for anything? I fancied myself caring for you, our lives had been so much the same.... Pain, Fear. Sorrow. Guilt. Despair.
But nevertheless I did what was expected, I led you where you had to go. I watched it all, smiling, waiting, knowing.
Tears keep running freely down your cheeks, soaking your beautiful elfin face. You really shouldn't cry. I don't want you to feel this pain. It's not fair. And I certainly am not worthy of it.
I used you. Had I been your friend for real, I'd have told you the truth, or I'd have found a way to unmake the Prophecy. I did neither. I watched people with contempt, I watched them moving like ants, blind fools unable to veer from their foreordained course.
All this was so meaningless to me....
Perhaps things might have been different if I had been strong enough to believe events were not inevitable. Perhaps....
But how could I believe?
Believe in what?
I could See. I Knew.
I knew there was no possible escape. So I went along with the flow. Sometimes I created a small ripple, sometimes I threw a tiny pebble to disrupt the quiet waters of Destiny's ocean, but never more than that. Yes, I have tried to strengthen the bond between you and Yasha. Yes, that, I did try. As to the result.... The destruction and deaths still happened, even if it was in a smaller scale.
And also...even if I cared once, I stopped doing so a very long time ago. I stopped feeling altogether because it hurt too much, and because I couldn't see any reason to keep enduring this pain.
I wish I could laugh at myself.
How can I even think that I used to care?
I was simply afraid. Terrified.
Those days in the dungeon...my mother's grief and madness...my father's fury and spite.... Oh no it was not caring.
I ended up believing it would be better if I died, believing that my birth was an abomination, but it wasn't because I gave a damn for my mother. No, I was so afraid, I was in such pain that I wanted it to end. Period. And fittingly enough, I wasn't granted that wish.
Every single action I've undertaken since has risen from a single source: selfishness. It was so much easier to go along. So easier not to think about the possibility of fighting.
Because to fight requires strength.
To fight requires a goal.
A vision of something in which you believe.
You had that vision. Generous, good...and look where it led you....
Oh no, I won't begin wondering. The time for this has passed.
I am dying.
I am dying, and nothing, nothing can save me this time.
Why do those words sound like magic?
Ah, of course.... Because death will put a stop to the questions that keep haunting my mind. Doubts will fade and vanish. There will be only darkness, and silence.
Silence, at long last.
I deluded myself into thinking I had managed to defeat one of the curses on my head until I met you. I almost managed to convinced myself that playing with lives could be fun, even if most of the time it was simply boring.
But when I laid eyes on you...then this strange, dull ache reappeared, and grew.
But I won't lie and say that I've always cared in a hidden place of my heart. That's what I'd have liked to delude myself into believing. You were so pure, so innocent...your heart so full of gentleness and generosity that the light of your soul was hurting my eyes, and that I had to justify myself. What better way to do so than to lure myself into thinking that I cared for you?
What better way to do so than to lure myself into thinking that I could still feel pain?
Don't you see?
Please, understand this.
It had to end. I am glad it's this way. You'll be happy. You'll soon forget, love will blossom in your heart and soothe away any pain my passing could have left there. Besides, you have no right to feel sorrow for me.
I refuse that.
I never could gather the strength to believe. I never even could gather the strength to want to believe. I let myself be trapped by the Visions, by the knowledge. The fault lies with me. The flaw is within, it always was.
Even now, could you tell me this my dear and gentle friend, what should I believe in? I have no answer to this, or rather I have one that is beyond me. There is no guidance, no Light we can follow but the one that shines in our souls. There is no hope, there is no dream that will resist knowledge. None. Unless....
How I wish I could laugh. Laugh at you for crying like this.
The only way out is to build yourself a dream and a hope, and to believe in it, despite what your knowledge can tell you, despite the despairing certainty that gnaws at your soul. You have that ability. I don't.
The light in my soul is far too weak. I sometimes doubt there ever was such a light within me.
Hence this end to my miserable life. Fitting, isn't it ?
Feel hatred if you wish, despise me, I deserve that and more. If there is one thing I have been spared, it's delusions as to who and what I am. When I look at myself, my eyes tell me the naked, ugly truth. So, don't hesitate, it won't hurt me. Nothing you could feel could possibly hurt a wretched corpse.
Nothing you could feel, but sorrow.
All the pain I've ever felt I brought upon myself. So don't regret, don't dare say you were responsible. Never dare think that I die because of you.
I'm a raven which thought it could be an eagle. I flew from the highest cliff, the howling winds carried me away, tossed me where they willed, and then dropped me at the shore of a sparkling lake. There, I looked at my reflection and saw the truth. I wish you could feel how happy I am, knowing this is about to end.
All my resentment, my pain at being who I am, my hatred of myself, my self-pity....
Don't you see?
I'm not dying for you.
This could be called my redemption. I don't think it is. There is nothing I can do that would change the way I judge myself. And of course, for me the only person whose judgement counts is mine.
Bitter mirth fills me.
This is my choice, my small attempt at challenging Fate and defeating it. The only time in my too long life when I can feel free. Free and unashamed. Even though the act in itself is meaningless where millions of lives are concerned, it will save you and allow death to claim me. I'll have fought and carried a wish to its end, if only once.
This is a selfish act. Totally, completely selfish.
So please stop crying.
Forget my name, forget I ever existed, it is far better.
Live, be happy.
Stop feeling guilt and grief.
I could almost believe I can feel something warm and salty on my face. But then, I know it's impossible, I know I have forgotten how to cry for centuries.
Stop regretting what happened. It was never your fault. Oh no....
Smile for me.
Take this gift.
And let me be.
Forever in the dark.
Where I want to be, where I belong.
I close my eyes. Hands try to hold me back, but I slip out of their grasp.
Too late. It was always too late.
Sayonara, my friend.
Forgive me, and forget about me. Those are the only two things I wish for.
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