Raindrops are Made of Tears
A Tokyo Babylon fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
I look down at the funeral stone and feel a lump in my throat. Distantly, I wonder at the absence of tears in my eyes, and then shrug the thought away, knowing the truth.
This time, tears will not come.
Tears will not cleanse me or free me.
The burning light will not leave me.
It will devour me, until...
I whisper softly :
"I thought it had been a dream..."
I bow my head, fighting the urge to clutch at my chest, keening and howling a pain that no human heart should have to bear.
"A mere nightmare..."
In the distance, thunder rumbles.
I close my eyes, some mad part of me half-hoping that doing this will unmake the truth in front of me.
I laugh suddenly, a croaking sound that is very fitting for the place.
No need for crows or ravens.
No, no need for them.
I am here.
My right fist strikes the stone savagely, but I do not feel anything.
Of course not.
It would be far too easy.
Besides, I have no right to escape from this.
It's only fair.
I feel warm blood running along my fingers and lift the hand up, slowly smearing my face with the thick liquid.
A work of art.
Perhaps I am simply too young, too young to have known better, too young to have had experience, too young to mistrust...
I smile coldy, mocking my despicable attempt at shrugging the blame aside.
Enough with lies.
Enough with self-deception.
Oh yes... I just didn't want to believe, I refused to believe with all my soul.
I kept my eyes closed, because it was so much more convenient...
Because it allowed me to trust the lie.
Because I didn't want to lose it.
No matter what.
But the price to pay was too much.
I didn't move then, I didn't react, I didn't fight.
I just watched him.
Listened to his voice.
Gentle and soft.
Words that tore my heart and soul apart.
Ripping them to shreds.
His smile branded in my memory.
And of course...
I never had any shields where he was concerned.
Not the smallest.
Why should I have ?
I am a fool, the worst fool there has ever been.
I open my eyes and look at the stone again.
The sun will soon set, I can feel it even though it is masked by dark grey clouds.
As if the sky was mourning...
I shake my head.
"You tried to warn me..."
But to her I hadn't listened.
Because at that moment, in my heart there had been...
All my life I have cared for others, suffered their pains, given so that they might heal...
And then suddenly, I found myself hoping...
When I saw his blood...
I bite my lower lip hard, tasting blood.
Damn me, I hate myself for being like this !
The pain in my chest savagely invades my whole body, blinding me and I grit my teeth, refusing to cry out.
I will not.
I went to him, trusting.
*Choosing* to trust.
Denying so many little things I knew, so many little things that would have led me to the path of truth.
No, I must be honest.
Things that would have made me unable to deny what I knew deep inside my heart, where an ancient shadow hides knowledge and memories I refuse...
Or rather used to refuse.
I look up at the sky and feel something resembling contempt filling me, mixed with fury.
Oh yes, of course his spell had some effect.
It just provided me with a convenient excuse to allow myself to forget, nothing more.
I am the only one responsible.
I went to him because for what was the first time in my life I had felt this emotion blossoming in my heart.
Gently taking hold of my soul.
It was so sweet...
I would have done anything.
Anything but this.
I let him hurt my body.
I let him feed on the pain of my soul.
I would have let him kill me.
Accepting what he was telling me had been impossible.
More than I could bear.
I had made him the center of my life, of my universe.
The one who gave meaning to everything.
The one for whom it was worth it to endure anything.
The one who was making my life so rich.
I suppose my refusal angered him in some way, and that is why...
He really decided to hurt me.
That is why he...
Tore the veil of lies apart.
Shattered the illusion I had cloaked myself into.
That is why he forebore to kill me at once.
That is why he waited.
That is why he accepted my sister's sacrifice.
Lightning suddenly rips the darkening sky.
Thunder rumbles loudly.
The storm has come at last.
Perhaps I should thank him for what he did.
Yes, I should.
He forced me to accept the truth, and I ought to be grateful for that.
I laugh again.
Thanks to him, I am stronger now.
Love is an illusion.
In which only the weaks of heart believe.
Fools, stupid and despicable.
I was one of them.
Love is a lie.
I will never be trapped again.
I stand up as the rain begins to fall.
It is not so cold, but it is time for me to leave.
Although this place suits me, I do not belong.
First I have something to achieve.
I look up and let the drops soak my face, tears I cannot shed.
Tears I refuse to shed.
The water mixes with the blood painting my face and I smile suddenly.
I know the name of the mask I wear.
It is Death.
This is right.
I turn and walk away, closing my new mantle around me a bit tighter.
This was a useful visit, as it turns out.
My fingers clutch the ethereal fabric of the cloak I just closed around me.
The new cloak this visit allowed me to find.
It is cold.
So cold it burns.
But the more I close it around my soul, the more distant the pain gets.
I embrace the emotion.
I welcome it.
Things are so much easier now.
Wait for me Onee-san, I will soon join you.
Wait for me Seishirou-san.
I am coming.
We will play, you and I.
And this time I will win the game.
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