A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
There is only silence as I enter the appartement.
Silence, and darkness.
Gently, I close the door, take off my shoes and my cloak, careful not to make the slightest sound. Then I walk to the kitchen and I suddenly hear a very faint sound, a bit like snoring. I smile to myself, picturing the scene in the small room on the other side of the wall.
Asuka, lying with the blankets pulled off her in chaotic disorder, her head on the right side and her arms holding the pillow. She is not really snoring, I know. She is just breathing so deeply, now that her mind allows her to rest. She needs that respite, but she doesn't let herself have it.
I shake my head and go to the fridge, opening it.
I cannot rest either...
I take a can of beer, vaguely disgusted with myself. So, this is going to be one of *those* nights, hey... I sigh and close the fridge, sitting down and leaning my back against its door. There is a slight clack as I open the can, and I drink a long swallow, closing my eyes.
I know better than to try and fight what is coming.
Better to get it over with.
I hate everything that hampers my efficiency.
The liquid is bitter, and icy cold.
It is good.
Something akin to amusement brushes my mind as I envision myself playing the fool in front of the children as I often do, as if I had drunk too much...
If only I could drink too much...
Really too much.
I look up blankly at the ceiling and shrug. I do not do it for their benefit only, I also do it for myself, because sometimes the pressure will lift, if only for a very short moment.
The sound of a body turning around, accompanied by what seems to be muffled whimpers makes me look towards the small room.
As always my first impulse is to get up and go comfort her, but it always dies down very quickly.
She has to deal with her fears on her own.
When she pilots her EVA, I am only a voice, and the time will surely come when not even my voice can reach her, or any of them.
They are but children...
I drink a sip, chasing the unwanted thought away.
How could I help her when I cannot deal with my own ghosts ?
With my own demons...
My left hand unbuttons my shirt and slips inside, gingerly following the trace of the horrible scar on my body.
On that day...
I was reborn.
Like the Phoenix reborn from its ashes.
I laugh silently, bitterly.
Burning with hatred, and the need for revenge.
All my certitudes were detroyed then, all that I knew...
My universe was blown to bits.
My left hand closes the shirt again, and my right brings the can to my lips. The beer is still cold, fortunately.
I drink, trying to chase the pain away, knowing I cannot, knowing I am not strong enough, and likely will never be.
It is important for me to know who I am, to see myself without any kind of veneer or veil. Without lies.
I saw Kaji again today, it seems I am always fated to run into him. Perhaps I have been cursed by someone, who knows ?
The sight of him, the feeling of him...
His smile, his eyes...
*He* hurts me...
Why must I feel this ? Why can't I be free ?
The other day when he kissed me, touched me, I...
Damn me, but I let him... And it felt...
I fight the urge to hurl the can of beer against the wall on the other side of the kitchen, with diffculty.
I hate myself when I am like this. I hate myself when I react like a teenager when I see him with another... Like Asuka does...
I chuckle silently in the night.
Perhaps a part of me simply was frozen on that day, fifteen years ago... But still, I wish I understood why he does this.
Don't you know ?
I am not a toy anyone can play with. I am not...
I breathe deeply, denying the cry I can feel in my throat, and drink another long swallow of beer. The can is almost empty, they really should make bigger ones. These don't last long enough, by much.
I sigh, and put it back down, cringing as I hear the sound of metal hitting the floor. Rats... Silence once again settles over the appartement and I bow my head.
I didn't wake them.
Geeze, that would have been the last catastrophy of this day. They need the rest, both of them. Tomorrow will be as hard as today was, if not harder.
Everyone seems to take what those children do for granted, at least on the outside. Even I... We always expect more, no, *demand* more...
And they keep giving.
Shit, how can I think I am cursed, how can I think I lead a wretched existence when I compare myself to them ?
I am insignificant.
I am pathetic... Yes, that's it.
I bang the back of my head against the door of the fridge and smile grimly as I feel the pain spreading in my skull.
I look in front of me but see nothing.
I will demand more, I will go as far as I have to.
I will demand your lives.
Because giving mine would be pointless.
Each time I give you a plan of battle, each time I watch you fighting, something inside of me hurts, and dies. But the pain lessens with time, one day I will stop feeling or caring.
The thought is only vaguely frightening.
Have I killed my heart already ? Or am I simply so tired that emotions escape me for the moment ?
We are all running right in front of us, towards this edge, and beyond it is a bottomless abyss. We are rushing towards it, and we will fall...
The fingertips of my right hand hit the can which falls on the side and as I grope to pick it up I feel beer sticking to my skin. I bring the fingers to my lips and suck at them, tasting the bitter taste of the drink, thoughtful.
I do not know for the others, but for me, I cannot do anything else than keep running froward.
Because my life comes down to only one thing : my wish for revenge.
No, not wish.
And I will fulfill it.
My path is set.
I fold my legs, bringing my knees against my chest and bow my head on it, closing my eyes.
It is as it should be, isn't it ?
I feel tears silently running down my cheeks, and hug my knees fiercely.
It doesn't matter anyway, because it is far too late.
I cannot change my wish, can I ?
Can I ?
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