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Cheating Fate - End
A Rg Veda fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan.
"Is your mind really set on this, Fiona-san ?"
I smiled sadly.
"Yes Sensei. It is better this way. I cannot go on. I wouldn't be able
to stifle my feelings, and I do not want to defile my blade or your teaching
by using my sword in anger and with hatred. I..."
I bowed my head.
"Please forgive me."
I had soon found that the way I had chosen to get a grip over my pain
demanded that a heavy price be paid. Hatred had become a part of me, I could
never truly let go of it, and when I held a blade... Something akin to rage
took over me, as if restrains fell, freeing my feelings. Had there been someone
with me the day I had tried unsheating my sword, that person would have died.
I shivered. Suddenly, a hand lightly rested on my left arm, and I looked up.
"There is nothing to forgive Fiona-san..."
Sakamoto-sensei was smiling gently.
"I only wish I could help you..."
He sighed.
"Perhaps one day you will be able to free yourself of your sorrow...
Promise me that you will come back then..."
I bit my lower lip. It would not happen. I whispered :
"I promise..."
I took a deep breath, absorbing the quiet atmosphere of the dojo,
feeling the wooden flooring beneath my feet, watching the peaceful garden and
wishing it could make me forget everything like it used to. But now there was
always the dark shadow of hate beside any perception I had. Ashamed, I went
quickly away before this beautiful place could be soiled by my presence.
"Good bye Sakamoto-sensei."
Damn my pain. Damn my sorrow. Damn my tears. And damn me.
I walked slowly on the sand of the training field and stopped beside
one of the fences. Night had fallen. The riding club was empty at this ungodly
hour. I leaned a hand against one of the bars, and it fell noisily in its
angle block. I chuckled all of a sudden, and replaced it as it had been. Pascale
had certainly had a training session this afternoon. I carefully balanced the
bar on the edge of its block. This was one of the oldest and most harmless
tricks of the trade : if the horse's hooves so much as brushed it, it would
fall, and moreover it was a bit higher than usual, resting on the edge. Some
horses needed to feel the bar once in a while, to be afraid of the noise when
it fell, and be reminded that a bar was not something really enjoyable to hit.
Once they had made the mistake once, they usually remembered to make the extra
effort needed to clear the fence...
I put my back on the fence, facing the next one, and walked to it,
carefully counting the steps. A bit too short for two strides, definitely
too long for one. I smiled. This one had been meant for Cloud. The exuberant
stallion always rushed towards the fences, often stealing a stride and making
four where the rider had wanted five. Gods, he hated that particular exercice.
He hated it with a passion. I chuckled in the night. I stayed there a long time,
and finally went back towards the buildings.
The atmosphere of the stables was warm and silent. From time to time,
a horse moved quietly. It was so peaceful... The horses hadn't been disturbed
by my coming at this very unusual hour. They knew me too well. One of them
stretched its neck towards me, trying to reach me with its nose, and I froze,
recognizing him.
Shadow.
He whinnied softly. My hands closed in fists reflexively, and I felt
tears coming to my eyes. Suddenly, I found myself wanting to hurt the horse,
to hurt him and kill him. I shivered, closing my eyes, despising and hating
myself. No. I couldn't do that. How could I even think of it ? I had no right
to take it out on Shadow. It wasn't his fault. Damn, what kind of monster had
I become ? I chased the horrible picture of Shadow bathing in his own blood
from my mind and soflty patted his nose, whispering :
"I'm sorry little one... I'm really sorry..."
I turned away and went towards another stall.
Cloud snorted indignantly, vexed that I had given precedence to Shadow.
I smiled, stroking his left cheek and whispering :
"You jealeous ugly brute..."
He blew softly in my neck, and I felt a deep pain in my heart. This
was the last time I would see him and the others. I would never come back. I
couldn't. Not when I could meet... him... here. I hugged Cloud's neck tightly
and buried my face in his mane. During a long time, I stayed that way,
unmoving. Eventually, I whispered :
"Forgive me Cloud... Forgive me for abandoning you like this..."
I had a self-deprecating smile.
"You must think me a coward..."
"That, you certainly are..."
I froze, recoginizing the voice. Hatred and pain, sorrow and despair
warred inside of me. I turned around and walked slowly towards the main exit
of the stables, ignoring the tall figure I knew so well.
As I brushed past him, his right hand closed on my arm, forcing me to
stop. I pulled, trying to win free, but he tightened his hold, saying :
"It is time you and I had a little talk my lady."
I looked at him, I looked at his purple eyes and savagely chased away
my pain, enclosing my heart in hatred and ice. I said in a flat voice :
"I have no wish to talk with you."
He sighed.
"I know... Hell, we must talk. Fiona..."
Damn him, damn the look in his eyes. I said, furious :
"I... didn't... give you the right to call me by my name."
His other hand closed around my arm and he brought me in front of him.
"Stop this. Stop pretending you don't care ! I... I want to tell you
why I did... Why I hurt you... I want you to understand... I..."
There was something that could have been pain in his voice. I laughed
in his face.
"But I don't give a damn about you Kujaku. I don't give a damn about
your reasons. I'm afraid your tool has a will of its own and no wish to obey
its wielder. You don't need me anymore, and neither do I. You can go to hell
or throw yourself from the highest cliff for all I care..."
There was a clash as his right hand slapped me savagely. I lost my
balance and fell slowly in the alley. The pain on my cheek seemed unreal,
absurd. Before I could move, he kneeled astride me, his hands pinning my arms
on the ground and preventing me from getting up. I tried to fight him, but he
was way too strong for me. I spat at him :
"And now what my lord ? Are you going to rape me ? Do you want to have
some fun ?"
My voice was heavy with sarcasm. He looked at me a long time.
"This... This is not you Fiona..."
Suddenly, his right hand stroked soflty my left cheek and I tensed. He
smiled soflty, sadly :
"So... I understand... You have raised a wall to imprison your
feelings... A wall of anger and hatred..."
I struggled violently against him, but he held me gently. The horses
moved nervously, feeling the wrongness in the atmosphere. I stopped trying to
fight him, taking refuge behind my barrier. I said calmly :
"Let me go. Let me go now."
He shook his head.
"I cannot. You have to listen to what I have to say. You have to. I
only want to help... Please, lower your wall, let me reach you."
I gritted my teeth.
"Hell if I ever will. Hell if I ever let you touch me again... my lord."
He bowed his head, and then looked at me steadily, a strange
expression on his face.
"Very well. Then, you leave me no other choice than to break your
barrier."
Suddenly, his third eye opened and his dark wings unfolded, encircling
us both.
Everything is dark. So dark. I shiver, looking around fearfully. This
dungeon is all I remember... I look at my mother, at the despair, the pain and
the hatred on her face, and want to cry. Why ?... Why does it have to be like
this ? Suddenly, my mother cries, begging to be let out of this place, to be
allowed to see the light of the sun again. Her pain hurts me, pierces through
my heart. Somehow, this is my fault, I know. She told me so often enough. I
only wish there was something I could do. But... I have no hope left. No, I do
not even hope for the man who is my father to return. I remember the look in
his eyes, the anger, the despise. A demon... That's what he called me. It
is because of me that my mother is trapped here. It is because of me that she
has taken refuge in madness. Because I was born. I wish she had killed me, and
that I had never been born.
I feel my life leaving me. It hurts, it hurts so much. I look at my
mother's face and feel tears on my face, hers and mine. Her hands tighten
around my throat. I am going to die. Perhaps is it better, perhaps will she
be free. Perhaps will there be an end to her pain and mine. Suddenly, blood
spatters her clothes and mine. Her hands lose all strength and she falls. I
look at her, helplessly, at the divining stick pirecing through her body and
feel empty. She is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead...
I smile, feeling death claiming me. Ashura will live. She will have a
chance at happiness, at last. Suddenly, a Vision takes hold of me, and I See.
Destruction. Chaos. A crystal blade. Shura-to... But it can't be... It can't !
Yet... No one destroyed it, the jewels are still in the hilt... Then... It
has been for nothing. I feel bitter tears in my eyes. The Vision expands,
showing me the death and pain Ashura will inflict on every living thing. I
feel silent sobs shaking my whole body. Why ? Why show me that now ? I am
dying, I... A frail female figure stands between Ashura and the Apocalypse.
Perhaps... Abruptly, I see myself, holding someone close to me... Loving
someone, loving truly... And being loved in return... The figure facing
Ashura turns towards me. I shudder. It is the young woman I hold in my arms.
She will certainly die at the hands of Ashura... Yet she is the only one
who can stop things. If she is willing to sacrifice her soul for the jewels.
No... What can I do ? What can I do ? I feel tears streaking my face. If
I protect her, Ashura will destroy every living thing... No ! I close my
eyes, refusing to see more. This is a lie anyway. I have never cared for anyone
beside Ashura. I cannot love. I cannot. I chuckle soflty. I will protect
Ashura. This is the only thing that makes sense.
I can't take my eyes away from her. Gods, the expression on her face,
the pain, the sorrow, the despair... I have betrayed her. I have done what I
swore to her I would never do. She gave herself to me and now I... I have no
choice. I must not show her that I feel. I must not. I cannot tell her I love
her. I can't love her anyway. If I did... I could never let this happen. Ashura
must be saved. Chaos must return to its slumber. Of course, that's it. I do
not love her. I do not. I... do... not... Hell, why do I want to cry ? There's
no reason... None. The crystal sword goes down, and I make myself watch it all.
No matter what happens, I will know, and remember... And never forgive myself.
As the sword runs through her, I feel a howl rising in my throat. I must not.
I... Everything around me has the colour of blood. Even my tears.
Warm drops of water were falling on my cheeks. Distantly, I knew they
were Kujaku's tears. I freed myself from his hold, and he let me. I got up
and went to the door of the stables. I stopped on the threshold and watched
the stars outside. I shivered. I didn't know what I felt anymore. His pain,
his despair and his sorrow had burned away my anger. There was nothing left
to protect me. I felt hot tears running on my cheeks. I heard him standing up,
and coming towards me.
"Fiona... I... Please look at me... I know your wall is down now. I
know... I can feel your pain..."
No. I shivered again. I suddenly felt his breath on my neck.
"Damn stubborn prideful woman..."
His arms encircled me soflty and I felt sobs shaking me. I couldn't
move away from him. I... He whispered :
"What I showed you, no one knows. This is the truth Fiona. I... I had
no choice... None. I didn't know I could love, I didn't think it possible. And
I had to give you a reason to will this world to live... I had to... Or you
would have died... And everything with you... Please, let me share your pain,
let me try to help..."
My hands closed in fists and I said in a broken voice :
"No... No, I won't let you touch me. I will not trust you again. Never.
I will not let you hurt me. I took the risk once. I won't ever again. I can
never trust you... Or myself... I..."
I couldn't go on. Oh gods, the only thing I wanted was for him to hold
me and tell me gentle and tender words. I shook my head, as if the gesture could
somehow change my heart. Suddenly, his hold relaxed and I heard him falling
down on his knees.
"I understand... Fiona... I love you... I have always and will always
love you. Your hatred is all I deserve, but... I..."
His voice broke and I closed my eyes, refusing to hear and feel his
terrible sorrow. He whispered :
"I hope... One day you'll heal... You'll forget... I will go. I will
go away, you will never have to fear seeing me again. I promise you."
My heart stopped suddenly.
He would leave. Forever. He would be alone. I would be alone. We would
be out of reach of each other... And the pain would never cease to gnaw at my
soul. It would only end with death...
No.
I whirled around. He was about to reach the other end of the stables.
I ran madly towards him, terrified he would disappear. He turned, hearing my
steps, and I stopped in front of him. I bowed my head. The words didn't want
to come out. It frightened me so much... At last, I whispered :
"Please... Don't... Don't go... I... need you..."
I looked at him.
"Help me... I..."
He smiled softly, and embraced me, rocking me like a child. He was
crying. I leaned against him and he whispered :
"I am here love... I am with you, I will always be... I pray you can
forgive me one day..."
I hugged him, holding on to him depserately. I couldn't pretend anymore,
I couldn't hide myself behind hatred. And besides, I knew the truth. He had
shared with me the most terrible parts of his life, he had trusted me with what
had hurt him the most... I said, my head resting on his chest :
"I understand... I know why you did it... I would likely have done the
same... I forgive you... How can I not ? I never could stop loving you."
He stroked my hair softly, then kissed me, with infinite tenderness.
He said gently :
"Shall we tell Ashura and Yasha ? They were so worried about you..."
I nodded, lost in the wonderful feeling of his presence, of his love.
"If you wish..."
His lips brushed against the sides of my neck.
"And what does my lady wish ?"
I tentatively held a hand up to his face.
"That this be no dream."
His right hand took mine and he kissed my fingers soflty.
"It is no dream love."
He drew me gently towards the door.
"Come, the day will soon dawn, and I'm sure you don't want to be seen
in this place with me... Or have you learnt to like gossip ?"
He smiled fondly as he said that, and I couldn't refrain a small
chuckle. Gods... I loved him so much. I pressed myself against him, closing
my eyes. I knew the bitter pain would always be a part of me, but with him
I would be strong enough to hold it at bay. I smiled, thinking that Xavier
would have been very surprised to know that I now envisioned my life as a
wonderful present.
End.
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