[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

"So, it wasn't that bad, was it?"

I shrugged, reaching out to a nearby maple tree and gently patting its leaves. Behind me, Sumeragi Kirikaze chuckled despite himself. "You're truly a stubborn one, Aislinn-san." I fought back the urge to turn towards him and stick out my tongue at him as if I was still an impish little girl, and focused instead on breathing in the relatively cool air of the night.

Hmmmm.... I closed my eyes, relishing the sweet perfume of honeysuckle coming from the vines encircling one of the trees on my left. I let the silence stretch for a while, content to simply walk in the gardens and to feel the peaceful atmosphere of the night around us, then eventually I told him, "It was an interesting evening." As I stepped forward, my right foot caught in the edge of the long kimono I was wearing, and I wobbled dangerously for a few seconds before managing to catch my balance. "Damn garments!" I cursed under my breath. A slight chuckling sound rose in the air beside me, and when I turned to face Sumeragi Kirikaze, I saw him grinning at me.

"Interesting, is that all you have to say to comment tonight's dinner?" His grin widened as he added, "Methinks you managed to charm the two younger sons of Fukushima Shingen off their feet, they won't soon forget the moments they shared with you."

Charm?

I stared numbly at my companion for a few seconds, and then walked on, shrugging almost imperceptibly. With a small smile, I said, "The one who's stubborn isn't me, it's you, Sumeragi-san." Sighing, I shook my head and whispered, "What do I care about charming the sons of a noble? Those two idiots are just young men who don't know better and who were gawking at the alien sitting at their table."

"Aislinn-san?"

I sighed softly, waving away a strange, sudden gloom which had wanted to come over me, and said, "It's all right, don't mind me." I looked up at the nightsky beyond the maple trees' rich canopy of leaves, and added, "When it's full moon like tonight, sometimes it happens that I stop making sense." I leaned a palm against one of the trunks and turned to face Sumeragi Kirikaze with a smile. "It was a wonderful evening, thanks to you and Sekai-san. I don't know how you managed to save me from all the pitfalls I almost stumbled into during dinner, and I don't know how you can be patient with an ignorant peasant like me...but I thank you for this gift of a dinner in a Faerie world not my own."

A world of rich, infinitely delicate and soft fabrics, silk and velvet.

A world of subtle and rare perfumes.

A world of glittering jewels.

A world of half-real dreams.

A world where magic was the sparkles in the guests' eyes.

A world where power was their smiles.

A world where death was the combination of both.

I bowed at Sumeragi Kirikaze, and told him, "They were fascinating moments, you win." When I straightened, I found his eyes set on me. There was a strange intensity in his gaze, a seriousness which seemed out of place with the tone of voice I had used to talk to him. I smiled at the shadow within. Yes, perhaps he could do that, perhaps he knew the emotions hidden behind my light words, but...what did it change?

Nothing. Nothing, of course. But the eternal, senseless regrets and longing a half of me drowned into night and day didn't care that beside me stood someone who might perceive even a tiny fraction of them, and might perhaps want to try and understand. There was a frightening selfishness there, the urge to forget about all that was around me to focus only on what could never be, on the half-dreams, half-memories of a realm a shadow insisted it remembered, insisted it knew and belonged in. I shook my head again, chasing those thoughts away with an effort of will, and made a face at Sumeragi Kirikaze, saying, "But it'll take more than the lure of an excellent dinner to draw me into such a trap again, hear?"

He smiled at that, an odd, crooked smile, and nodded. For a few seconds I waited for words which I could almost feel in the air between us, but no sound other than the light breeze rustling the trees' leaves disturbed the silence. I turned away, wondering what was with him, half-ready to believe the full moon made him as bizarre as it did me.

"I'm returning to Kyoto."

I froze.

"I've stayed here in Edo castle too long as it is, I'll leave in three days. My House needs me, and my presence here is no longer required."

A sudden gust of wind flew unruly locks of hair in my face, but I ignored them.

Leaving....

I blinked, feeling my mind reeling, as if my spirit was being carried away by the wind.

Leaving....

My right hand lifted, as if of its own volition, and chased back the hair the wind had flown in my face.

Leaving....

The hand which had lifted fell back limply against my body.

Leaving....

I snapped out of the trance as I saw from the corner of an eye the fingers of his left hand about to touch my shoulder, and moved aside, avoiding the contact. I took a few seconds to compose my face and to harshly silence the shadow in my heart. Then I faced him and nodded. "Of course, I understand, your place is with your family, and with all the people who need you." The dark brown eyes were still focused on me with the same strange intensity, and the light in them....

He's not fooled.

No, he wasn't.

Leaving....

How could he be?

Leaving....

He who had *felt*, who had....

Leaving....

SILENCE!

The shadow drew back as I snarled, fury and something unnamed rising inside me, whirling like a winter storm. I breathed deeply, and then waved my feelings away like the pestering flies they were. Turning away, I reached out to the closest tree, and felt a smile coming to my lips as my fingertips encountered the delicate fabric of a honeysuckle flower. I focused on it, and whispered softly, "I'm sorry." I forced a heavy sigh back down my throat. "I guess your words took me by surprise. You see, it's strange...how, in so short a time, you have become one of the few central, stable points, one of the few pillars which give a semblance of reality and solidity to my world."

And I had had no right to let him become that.

To make him become that.

No right.

Not when my path was the one I had to follow.

He was severing something not of his making, something I had let grow without ever asking him. It was the way of things, it was his right; I couldn't bind him or anyone else. I looked up at the bright moon, high in the sky, and added softly, "In truth, I had no business telling you that, and it doesn't matter much. I'm sorry for burdening you with my nonsense."

There was a long moment of awkward silence; then, when I thought he'd simply go away, I felt him coming towards me. Before he could reach my side, I told him gently, "Don't, Sumeragi-san." He froze, as if my words had been a spell, as if they had raised a wall between us. I smiled at the honeysuckle flower in front of me. "I told you, it's nonsense, and it doesn't matter much. We can never walk the same path, you have your clan, and I have my horses. We both have clearly set priorities, and we know how things stand. My horses are my life, and I can never leave them, no matter what or whom. They are everything to me. You have to go back where you belong, sooner or later, and I...I'll follow my charges wherever they may go." I turned to face him and bowed deeply.

"I'm happy to have met you, more than you can ever know. Thank you, for all that you did, for all the memories you gave me."

I waited, staring at the ground and my hands clasped over my stomach. I waited until at last I heard him walking away in the night.

In silence.

I slowly looked up, and saw no trace of him left. He was gone.

Gone.

I nodded at the shadow.

Broken.

What couldn't exist in this world of clay.

Severed.

What couldn't be in this world of human beings.

In the blink of an eye.

What never was.

Sundered.

The feeling only half-forgotten dreams remembered in the mists of dawn....

Spiderwebs catching drops of morning dew....

Sparkling with the rising sun, and then....

Falling.

It hurt.

The smile frozen on my face, it hurt.

The air of these stables was heavy and hot, astonishingly more so than the atmosphere of those I was used to on the penultimate level of Edo castle. I set my bundle down, careful to select a shadowed spot nobody would feel drawn to, and then walked over to the four horses on the other side of the stalls' row.

Hush.

I reached out to the first and very gently stroked his right cheek, whispering senseless, soothing words. The night-blue eyes were wide, and I could feel the horse trembling under the palm of my hand. Trembling with pain. I didn't look down at his legs, knowing too well what I'd see if I did: a terrible swelling which engulfed the whole lower half of his right foreleg and indicated at the least strained sinews, and more likely a broken leg.

It'll be all right.

All four horses were in the same condition after a particularly difficult training session. The weaker of the lot among the guards' horses, certainly. Lame now, all of them, and worthless, unfit for duty.

Soon.

I patted the great neck, closing myself to the feeling of their pain choking the air. Eventually I turned away from them and walked out of the stables on the first level of Edo castle to be greeted by one of the guards who had had the care of one of the horses.

"My thanks for accepting to take care of this matter, Aislinn-san." The man bowed and I looked at him with a mixture of anger and contempt. I shrugged.

"It's only natural. After all I'll be spending the whole afternoon here while your duties will require you to move all around Edo castle. I will wait for the butcher's assistant and give over the horses to him when he comes." I watched the guard's face as he didn't manage to hide a grimace of disgust at the mention of the word "butcher", and I felt like laughing.

Fool, you'd deserve....

I hated the thought of butchers, but not for the same reasons as this man. I bowed, not in the mood for patience, and told the guard, "If you'll excuse me, I must return to watching over my horses."

I smiled as Aodhan grabbed the edge of my left sleeve between his teeth for the fifth time in half an hour.

Enough, rascal. You wait, it shouldn't be much longer now.

The chestnut blew in my face, shaking his head with a low, frustrated whinny, and then whirled around, galloping back towards the center of the wide field. I lifted a hand to my face, and wiped a bit of dust mixed sweat from my temples. It was so hot today....

"Still here in the heat?"

I looked down at Sakurazuka Sekai who had joined my side. He hadn't climbed up to sit beside me this time. Likely he had no time to waste on idle talking with the shogun coming back in a bit less than a day. There were preparations to be made everywhere in the castle, all the levels had to be inspected and readied. The young man's utterly black eyes set on me as he added, "There's bound to be a storm coming soon, it's been too hot. You should get your horses back where they belong."

I shrugged at him, and willed a smile to come to my lips. "I don't mind a storm, and my horses won't mind that either. Besides I promised to be there when the butcher's assistant comes. I'm the only one left who can settle the matter."

Sekai's face clouded when he heard that, and he sighed. "They had no right asking you to take care of this in their stead, Aislinn-san. No matter how unpleasant, it's their problem, and what's more they should have cared about how difficult it has to be for you." For a moment, I stared numbly at this man who was my friend.

Then I laughed.

"Unpleasant?" I shrugged. "The way of the wild is unpleasant, life and death are unpleasant, Fate is unpleasant, truth and lies are unpleasant.... And what does it change? They still remain to be dealt with." I sighed, forcing the laughter back down my throat. "I'm not that fragile, Sekai-san, please don't worry about me."

Please, go.

I looked down at the young man's dumbfounded face. "I'll take care of the matter since I said I would, I was the one who offered. Your guards are just guilty of the average queasiness when confronted to the death of animals they were supposed to take care of, that's all."

That, and the prejudices heightened almost to the rank of written law in their society.

Please, go away.

Sreim suddenly cantered in, stopping right beside me and raising clouds of dust which made Sakurazuka Sekai cough. I reached out to the black stallion and petted him, smiling despite myself.

Yes, what is it? Why are you behaving like spoiled Aodhan? I looked into the beautiful dark eyes and nodded, pressing the great head against me. Eventually I released him, and reported my attention back on the young man.

"It's all right, I swear to you. And if you're worried about a coming storm, there's really no need." I smiled at him. "You have no idea how I miss the rain, and how my horses miss it too. Erin is a land of rain, of mists, stormy clouds and great winds. They're what I have known all my life, and to be drenched by a thunderstorm will do me good."

Please, listen to me.

I reached out to him. "So don't worry about me, promise?"

Please, trust me.

His fingers closed around my outstretched hand, and he looked at me for a long time, silent. I stared back at him, mute, unable to find the words which would send him away and soothe the worry in his heart.

Please, Sekai-san.

Eventually he nodded, his eyes still locked on me. "All right, I'll pretend I believe what you told me." He sighed as he released me. "I wouldn't want to see you hurt again. You've been so somber since last night's dinner...." He chuckled softly as he added, "If I didn't know better, I could almost think that Sumeragi misbehaved while he was walking the gardens with you."

I looked at him with a bank stare, then turned away from him as I felt heat coming to my cheeks. He laughed at that, and I bit my lower lip, hard.

Fool, stop.

Laughter came up my throat and then escaped my lips. The shadow's, not mine. The shadow, who could laugh in the face of pain and death, the shadow who could mock loneliness and laugh while contemplating betrayal. The shadow, who could laugh simply because it was necessary, when all my human side wanted to do was to huddle in a dark corner and cry.... And Sakurazuka Sekai fell for it, as he couldn't help doing. We laughed together like this during at least a minute, and then he nodded, sighing.

"Okay, I'm sorry, but I can't keep you company any longer. There are tons of things which require my presence, I only hope I'll have an hour or two of sleep tonight." His fingers squeezed mine. "Take care."

For the time of a heartbeat, I watched our intertwined fingers, and fought the urge to hold him back, to ask him not to leave...but it was just a senseless, meaningless whim. I smiled at him, and then he went away. I stared at his retreating back until it disappeared behind the gate of the second level of Edo castle, and then I felt my shoulders slump. He was gone, at last. Now there was only one thing left to do. I looked up at the sky and saw clouds gathering in the West.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wind....

Raindrop....

Thunder....

In the distance...

In front of me, Aodhan reared, pawing at the sky with his ears flat on his skull, and then started at a gallop, giving a series of mad kicks. The storm Sekai had mentioned was coming, all right. It would be a hell of a thunderstorm. I felt a grin on my face as the rain started to fall and as the wind rose in wild, powerful gusts. The sky above was as dark as during the night, apart from the so brief moments when it was illuminated by lightning. It came upon us with a quickness which surprised even me. I had watched it gather strength for the better part of an hour, but now that it was ripe, it was swooping down upon Edo castle so quickly one could have thought it had a will of its own and wanted to strike the city before it could defend itself.

I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling of the rain soaking my face while around me thunder roared. I could have stayed like this for hours, but a nervous whinny close by brought me back to reality. I jumped down the fence and walked over to Laigen, who was confronting the storm as if it had been her personal enemy.

Hush, little one, it's nothing. I patted her neck, and then called them all. Nia snorted when she reached my side, and Sreim flickered his ears. I nodded, stroking his nose. For once I didn't have to coerce Aodhan into behaving, the prankish stallion followed us very willingly. Chuckling to myself, I wondered if he wasn't a bit frightened of the storm despite all his shows of challenging it earlier.

We didn't meet anyone as we entered the stables, and I had a little sigh of relief. Everything was proceeding as it had been foreseen. Laigen froze when we passed before the stalls of the four lame horses, and the bay mare whinnied softly, as if she could feel the pain radiating in the air. I turned my back on the spectacle, and hurried to reach four unoccupied stalls for my charges. Once they were settled safely, I sat down on the ground and bowed my head wearily. When Aodhan whinnied to demand a share of hay, I didn't even look at him. I had no time or energy to waste on the infernal stallion's whims.

Fear.

Thunder roared, echoing within the stables' walls and frightening the horses.

Doubts.

Lightning blindly illuminated the place.

Futile.

I closed my eyes, but couldn't deny the endless song of the rain hitting the roof or the harsh gusts of wind entering the stables and swirling up dust everywhere.

It's too late.

Yes, I knew that. But....

"Dareka imasenka?"

I started, opening my eyes as I heard the voice. Then I realized whom it must belong to, and focused on quieting the frantic beatings of my heart. I stood up and walked to the stables' entry, to see a man waiting three steps away from it, immobile in the rain.

Because he didn't dare come in and soil the stables with his presence.

Stupidity.

With a passing glance, I noted the cheap old carriole on the side, drawn by what looked more like the ghost of a horse than a real, living animal in the storm. The man bowed low, as if I had been a noble of some kind, and said, "Forgive me for disturbing you. The guards at the gate said there would be someone waiting for me by the stables. I'm the butcher's assistant."

Nodding at the man, I told him, "I'll take you to the horses." Without further ado, I turned my back on him and walked back into the stables. I stopped at the start of they alley where the four horses were waiting, and said, "They're here, the first four on the left." The man stepped beyond me, and as he opened the first stall I reached out towards the wall on my side. My fingers closed around the small wood beam I had left there on purpose, and then I moved.

No time to think.

No time for regrets.

In a lightning-quick movement, I struck the man squarely on the head, knocking him out in a single blow. He went down, the sound of the blow and of his fall covered by thunder. I dropped my weapon and knelt beside the man, feeling for his throat, and sighed softly in relief when I felt a pulse. Nodding to myself, I stood and went over to the first horse, whose stall had been opened.

The gelding hadn't moved, paralyzed both by fear and by pain. I reached out to him, and ran my hand along his neck and his shoulder reassuringly.

It'll be all right now.

I squatted down and took a small pouch out of my left sleeve. Opening it, I dipped my fingers in the unguent before very carefully rubbing the horse's wounded leg with it. I followed him when he tried to move away, whispering soft and meaningless words. Once I was done, I stood and patted his neck, smiling.

Then I hurriedly proceeded to the other three stalls, and applied the healing unguent on the other horses. As I put the pouch back where it belonged, I thought I could only pray the guards would realize their steeds had never truly been badly wounded. If they didn't, then four horses would die because of me. I clenched my fists at my side, knowing I couldn't do anything about that, not now that I had committed myself.

There was no other path I could follow.

None.

I had understood that when I had listened to Sakurazuka Sekai telling me that there would be no guarantee of safety for anyone as long as the shogun's power wouldn't be absolutely secure. Sending my doubts aside, I went back to the unconscious man and dragged him towards Sreim's stall. I had to hurry before anyone came back: I had thought the man would come earlier in the day, but my feeling of time told me the sun would set in less than an hour. Once I opened Sreim's stall, the black stallion got out of it and I took the man inside. I settled him as comfortably as I could before taking from him his cloak and the wide, ugly travelling hat hiding his head almost completely. Using ropes reserved for the tying of straw into trusses, I bound his hands and feet, then closed back the stall's door upon him.

Beside me, Aodhan pawed the ground, impatient to be free, and I seized his chin in my right hand, stern. The chestnut shook his head, but I kept my hold on him and stared at him until he grew quiet again. Then I released him, and nodded.

There was no protest when I passed halters over their heads or when I led them to the carriole and bound them to its back. Once that was done, I got back into the stables for my bundle, and stored it in the carriole. One last time I checked that the cloak was covering my body and that the hat was hiding my face, before stepping on the carriole and leading it towards the gate of Edo castle.

I passed through it without the guards sparing me even a single glance. Bowing my head, I thought that they were fools. Because the butchers belonged to the outcast, pariah class of eta they were shunned, ignored and viewed with utmost contempt and disgust. The guards at the gate had known someone was passing through, they had heard the clatter of the horses' hooves, but they had chosen not to see me, because the mere sight of a member of the eta class was a dishonor. I smiled humorlessly, thinking that Sakurazuka Sekai wouldn't have been fooled so easily.

Oh no....

Forgive me, Sekai.

I bowed my head, banishing the thoughts of the friend I had just betrayed. Behind me, the curtain of raindrops fell, hiding Edo castle, and I led the carriole away from it, with four lame horses tied to its back. Above us, the thunderstorm was raging.

At last, we reached the hide tanners' quarters, and I gave a gentle pull on the reins. I quickly jumped down from the carriole, and went to its back to free my horses. Aodhan shook his head wildly after I took off the halter from him, and I patted his neck with a weak smile.

Yes, I know you're glad you don't have to put up with this indignity any longer.

I went back towards the front of the carriole, and gently stroked the forehead of the horse who'd brought us here. He was trembling under the rain, afraid of the continuous lightning and thunder. The storm had grown worse in the half-hour it had taken us to reach this more or less deserted part of the city. For a moment, I contemplated freeing the poor animal, but discarded the idea eventually. He'd never be able to follow us, he didn't have the strength and I couldn't afford to be slowed down by anything or anyone. He couldn't live by himself either, having been cared for all his life by human beings, he couldn't adapt to the wild. There was no choice but to abandon him here.

To abandon him to his dreary and hopeless life.

He was getting old, I could see it in his stance, and in his eyes. He had perhaps three or four other years, then his masters would decide he had lost his usefulness and it'd all end with a knife. By leaving him here, it was what I would allow to happen.

By leaving Edo castle, I had betrayed one who was my friend, and likely endangered him as well as the whole English delegation.

Impossible choices.

I swiftly unbridled the old horse, and freed him from the carriole. At least he'd be able to flee the storm if he wanted to, and wouldn't hurt himself by rearing and kicking against restraints.

The coward's solution.

I nodded at the shadow within, gritting my teeth. Yes, the coward's way out, hell there was no other. The gelding had a low whinny and I sighed, patting his neck.

Then I turned away from the doomed animal, mechanically bent down to retrieve my heavy bundle from the carriole and hoisted it up my right shoulder, fastening it as securely as I could thanks to the leather straps tied to the travelling bag's sides. Sreim snorted when he saw me coming towards them, and I shrugged helplessly. I stopped beside Nia, and bowed at the black mare.

Will you allow me on your back, friend?

Her ears twitched, and then she lowered her head, touching the tip of her nose to my face and I smiled in the rain. I reached up and stroked the velvety surface, then stepped to her left and jumped on her back. The great horse shivered for a few seconds, unused to the weight of a human being, and I patted her neck reassuringly. She lowered her ears and then pricked them up. Nodding to myself, I thought we had lost enough time here as it was. As I closed my legs around Nia, the black mare gathered her powerful muscles and flung herself forward. I closed my eyes as my mind brought up the picture of the old horse watching us canter past him, immobile in the storm.

Forgive me.

I opened my eyes and looked up at the black sky, letting the rain soak my face and be my tears.

Please, forgive me.

It didn't take us long to reach one of the city's gates, set unsurprisingly close to the hide tanners' quarter. I never knew whether it had been guarded or not. In the confusion generated by the storm we galloped through with nothing to bar us the way.

Once we had set some distance between us and the city, we stopped. I had no idea where to go, no plans. I just knew I couldn't stop in any place inhabited by man. I was on an island, with no way to rejoin the continent, no way to ever rejoin Erin. Every single person I'd meet would be an enemy, one who'd be bound to report my presence to the authorities or to bring me and my charges back to Edo castle. The only chance I had was the relative instability of the shogun's power. He could never be sure I hadn't acted on orders from his opponents. Perhaps I could make my life in the wild, in the mountains of this country...perhaps. What was certain was that I had to get away from the kaido I had found myself on. Choosing a random direction, I pressed my ankles against Nia's flanks and the great horse left the wide travelling route at a quick canter, followed by Sreim, Aodhan and Laigen.

The night was old when at last I decided it was safe to stop and rest for a while. I slipped down Nia's back and patted her left shoulder in thanks. Gingerly, I set my bundle down in the grass while the horses went to a nearby stream to staunch their thirst. I had taken grain with me, but not much. I couldn't afford to use it unless I absolutely had to. Fortunately my horses were used to make their living out of the grass of Erin's plains, they were strong. I lied down on the grass, watching the few stars shining in the night sky. The storm hadn't reached this place yet, perhaps it'd even never reach it. Focusing on the ground under me, I opened my senses to the nature surrounding me.

The breeze's caress on my cheeks.

The small brook's happy song.

The trees' leaves rustling.

An owl's cry in the distance.

The land's heartbeat.

Inside my chest.

A whisper....

Koi kudasai....

A fleeting light....

A shiver running through my spine.

A call, so weak.

Wareware no tokoro e....

Voices of crystal in the dark.

I closed my eyes, and felt something oddly warm and reassuring spreading within me. The shadow watched, wary and yet unafraid. Silent. I hugged the gentle light against my heart, relishing its touch, and eventually released it. I sat up, opening my eyes to see it fade in the night, among the stars. Beside me, the wind brushed the high blades of grass and I smiled, looking out towards the mountains in the distance.

I had somewhere to go.

There was a low whinny, and I suddenly realized Sreim was standing right behind me. I stood up, and reached out to the black stallion's neck. The great horse's tail swished quietly, and I leaned against him, content to feel his strength and his solidity so close to me.

Time passed, seconds and hours mixed into eternity, and eventually the sun rose above the horizon. Turning my back on him, I jumped up Nia's back and directed the black mare towards the West.

End of Part 7.

Notes

The class system: the Edo shogunate established a rigid class system, referred to by the name "Shi-no-ko-sho". Shi refers to Bushi, or samurai. No refers to farmers and peasants, Ko refers to craftsmen, and Sho refers to merchants and shopkeepers. In addition to those four classes, there were two lower classes, the Eta and the Hinin. The Hinin (non-human) were the criminals, they were the lowest class, but could return to their original class sometimes. The Eta class was established by the shogunate to divert the discontentment of the population, its members were considered unclean and suffered from discrimination in all the aspects of their lives. They were typically butchers and hide tanners. I wish I had managed to gather more information on which trades were reserved for members of the Eta class. As it was, I decided to use the butchers. The reaction of the guards to the butcher's assistant may be exaggerated, but it seems very possible to me that people would choose to ignore the presence of someone whose existence revolts them....
"Dareka imasenka?" : Is anybody here?
"Koi kudasai": please come.
"Wareware no tokoro e": to us (to our place).

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