[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

Fuu-chan.

I patted Nia's shoulder as I jumped down her back, thanking her for bearing my weight for so long. The black mare swished her tail and looked at me, as if to say it had been nothing. I looked forward, and had an inward sigh as I contemplated the difficulties of following the path which was leading us up towards the heart of the mountains. The slope was becoming steeper and steeper, which had prompted me to continue on foot so I could relieve Nia of the burden I had to be for her. Behind me Aodhan snorted, eager to move onward. Smiling to myself, I nodded, acknowledging the chestnut's enthusiasm and desire to play freely. I took a moment to breathe the wonderful scents of the forest around us, and then started climbing.

It had been almost ten days since I had left Edo castle. Ten long days during which we had managed to avoid encountering anyone. It hadn't been so hard, thanks to the horses' instincts and to my ability to feel the land. Whenever they hadn't been able to feel the presence of human beings, I had picked it up in the wind's song, or in the sudden hush of the trees around us. There had been only one time when we'd almost been taken by surprise. Perhaps it had been because I had let my guard down, if only a little bit, or perhaps it had just been chance, but I had almost unwittingly stumbled on a wandering samurai who was exercising his sword skills on the shore of a small river. It had been Laigen who had picked up the human presence, just as we had been about to leave the woods' shelter.

For some reason, I had felt nothing at all.

Nothing, as if the man had been in complete harmony with the nature surrounding him.

And when I had watched him train, when I had seen the beautiful, intricate dance of his blade, I had forgotten for a fraction of eternity the threat he represented, enthralled. It had taken a true effort of will to detach myself from the fantastic spectacle, and then to leave. The memory of this strange, almost unreal moment had stayed with me, along with the regret that I'd never know the man's name.

Ten days, and yet no signs of pursuit. It was true I hadn't followed any of the kaido, and that I had been careful to avoid even the smallest of villages. I had slept out in the forest, guarded by my horses. The food I had brought with me, mainly rice balls, had sustained me till now, but it wouldn't last forever. I knew I needed to find a place to stop and rest for a while, very soon. For myself and for the horses. And eventually, we'd have to find some kind of permanent shelter. We couldn't run away like this endlessly. I could only hope there had been more than a pinch of glittering dreams in the ethereal voices I had heard in the dawn which had followed my flight from Edo castle. If such wasn't the case....

I shook my head in silence, refusing to envision the possibility.

Foolish.

I grinned humorlessly, fully aware that the shadow was right. If I wanted us to have the smallest chance--

I brought my left hand up and gingerly rubbed my nose, wondering how the hell I had managed to bump into Sreim, when I suddenly realized the great black stallion had frozen in his tracks. I rested a hand against his left shoulder, but the stallion didn't turn his head towards me. Instead, he had a low whinny, and lowered his ears slightly, as if not liking whatever there was in front of us. Beside us, Aodhan snorted disdainfully, as if mocking the black stallion, and cantered forward. Sreim lunged forward, ears flat on his skull, and I found myself running after them.

Hell....

I froze as I stepped into a vast clearing. I had no idea of the altitude we had reached, but we had to be rather high already, for the air felt drier and cooler than it had in the hills. I stepped forward, and patted Sreim's neck in passing, my eyes lost in the contemplation of the sight before them.

There must have been a time when this had been an awe-inspiring place, but no longer. The clearing was huge, and opened on what appeared to be a small valley, high in the mountains. I walked over to the withered remains of what must have been a beautiful dragon of stone once, and idly let my fingertips brush what remained of its tail.

Life.

I snatched my hand away and stepped back, heart beating madly.

All around.

Everywhere.

Behind me, Nia snorted, her ears twitching in uncertainty. I made myself breathe slowly, focusing on the feeling of my chest rising and falling rhythmically, and analyzed my surroundings. There were remains of what must have been buildings, covered by plants and almost unrecognizable. Only the stone remained, as if whatever this place had been had been burnt to the ground years ago. A sudden gust of wind took in my clothes, flying my hair in my face and I shivered. There was a dizzying mixture of life and death whirling around me, of life which was hidden and yet so strong I couldn't help feeling it, and of a death which hung heavily in the atmosphere.

I wandered aimlessly among the ruins for a long while, flanked by my four horses who weren't exactly happy I had decided to make a stop in this weird place. In an absentminded gesture, I reached out to Laigen and patted her neck reassuringly. Eventually, I found other remains of statues, almost completely hidden under a thick layer of plants, and pursed my lips as I recognized the character one of them represented.

The holy man they called Buddha, or something like that.

But then.... I turned around, and tried to picture what the place must have looked like when human life still inhabited it, and shook my head, uncomprehending. This must have been some kind of temple, or rather an important complex of temples. Perhaps a monastery, or a religious school of some kind...but why had such a place been burnt to the ground? I'd have understood it if it had been a castle or a fortress, but temples?

Ningen wa kowakatta desu.

I blinked as the faint whisper rippled in the air around me. Mocking, contemptuous. Within me, the shadow smiled, as if it understood what the words had meant. So human beings had been afraid? It didn't make sense, a temple or a monastery was in essence a human place, built by human beings, inhabited by them, full of their wishes, doubts and faith. Why would they have been afraid of themselves?

I looked around, distantly hoping the voice would answer my question, but silence had fallen back over the vast clearing.

Absolute silence.

Beside me, Aodhan lowered his ears, eyes wide, and I couldn't help understanding the chestnut stallion's uneasiness. No matter what it might have been in the past, this valley had become a desert from which human life had been banned. I felt almost as if we had been intruders in a graveyard. A graveyard full of ghosts. Everything here pointed to a past which was irremediably out of our reach. Around us the wind rose, swirling small clouds of dust, and then left to haunt the neighbouring valleys, as if it didn't dare challenge the memories and unfinished dreams which ruled in this place for more than a moment.

At last I freed myself from the contemplation of the ruins and started to look for a place which I could transform into a livable shelter. Sreim snorted on my left and Aodhan gave a moody kick, indicating their disapproval of my choice for a new home. I smiled at them, shrugging slightly in apology and then stepped over to the other side of the vast clearing, where I thought I could still discern the pattern of a house half-buried by the vegetation. It wasn't that I liked this place more than they.

I had been drawn here.

Drawn by the crystal voices in the wind.

Voices which were somehow kin with the shadow inhabiting my heart.

I set the two buckets of water down, wiping the sweat from my brow, and smiled when Aodhan thundered past me. The chestnut would never change, even if he lived to be a thousand years old. On the other side of the vast esplanade, Sreim yawned widely before resting his head down in the grass and starting his afternoon nap all over again. I bent down and picked up my buckets again, stepping towards the remains of a shrine which I had done my best to set up as a home for me and the horses. The small building had been mainly made of stone, which meant that it was one of the better preserved elements of the place.

I smiled to myself once I was done with the cleaning of my tiny living space. In the three days since I had arrived in this place, I had been able to explore my surroundings, and to come to the conclusion it was actually possible to live here. There were wells, and a small river nearby. More importantly, I had found the remains of agricultural fields out in the valley, where it was still possible to grow vegetables. I would be able to survive, and perhaps in time, I'd even be able to make a decent and enjoyable living here.

It was more than I had hoped for when I had first stepped into the clearing.

Oh yes.

A shrill whinny cut through he air around me, interrupting my train of thought, and I looked up to see Laigen giving a kick in Aodhan's direction with her ears flat on her skull. Chuckling despite myself, I thought the chestnut stallion had a lot of work ahead of him if he wanted to win the bay mare's attentions. From his napping spot, Sreim snorted drowsily, bored with the prankish stallion's childish attempts at seducing Laigen. I smiled as I watched him, and surprised myself in thinking the emotion rising in my heart almost felt like happiness.

Almost.

If only I could always be like this and forget there was a world beyond this valley, forget the names which haunted my mind at night, forget there was a past behind me and a future before me. If only I could live like my horses, live in the now, relish it and never know anything else. If only.... Stupid wish. I shook my head, knowing it couldn't be, simply because I was what I was. All of a sudden, a flock of birds took flight from one of the bushes on the other side of the clearing, disturbed by something, and in the same time Nia cantered into the esplanade. I laughed when I heard the clatter of her hooves and saw the birds flying away as quickly as they could. When the black mare stopped beside me, I stroked her velvety nose, smiling. Aren't you ashamed of frightening those poor birds, Nia? She snorted, and I sighed good-humoredly. This behaviour isn't worthy of you, you know. I looked at her, grinning. Now, why have you suddenly left your watch and decided to imitate Aodhan?

The great mare whinnied, and I abruptly noticed the light in her eyes as well as the joyful tension in her stance. Intrigued, I rested a hand against her left cheek. What is it, Nia? She nodded, pawing the ground, as if I should have known. As if--

"A good day to you, Aislinn-san."

Reflexively the fingers of my right hand clutched the front of my shirt. I tried to focus on the feeling of the rough fabric against my skin to ignore the cold invading my being, but it didn't help. I was cold, so terribly cold that I couldn't even shiver. At last I managed to win free of the paralysis which had taken over me, and turned around, ever so slowly.

I blinked as I heard a low cry rising within me, as the shadow's pain intertwined with my own, multiplying it a thousand fold.

No.

I breathed deeply.

I must not let him see.

Denying fiercely the lump in my throat and the pain choking my chest, radiating along my spine and crushing it, I bowed in an almost imperceptible fashion at the man who had just stepped into the esplanade. "And to you, Sumeragi-san." I had a crooked smile, adding, "I didn't expect you to be the one who'd follow me to this place."

No, I hadn't expected him to chase after me, I had expected Sakurazuka Sekai to do that. And that Sumeragi Kirikaze was the one to come upon me like that.... Beside me, Nia whinnied softly, worried, but I ignored her, unable to detach myself from the sight of the young man dismounting from his horse and then coming towards me. His eyes were clouded, troubled, but I couldn't read anything in them. The shadow within stared at him, unable to win free of its distress.

Why?

It cried, its hurt joined to mine.

Oh why did you come?

Why?

On the other side of the esplanade, Sreim roused from his nap and stood, lowering his ears and swishing his tail in incomprehension. Sumeragi Kirikaze stopped a few steps away from me and Nia, and sighed, as if weary or sad. "Something had to be done about all this mess, don't you think?" The dark brown eyes focused on me. "And I couldn't let you go on with this folly." He shook his head. "Because that's what it was, folly. You might as well have run and jumped down the edge of a cliff, and I'm sure you know it, somewhere you know that this is true and that your endeavour was doomed to fail."

I bit my lower lip to deny the echoes his words were finding in my mind.

It didn't matter.

I had had no other choice.

None!

I shook my head and asked him with a voice full of bitter irony, "How did you manage to find me? I met no one, and left no tracks along my way."

He chuckled at that, as if I had said something funny, and then replied, "You couldn't help but to be drawn here. From the moment when your disappearance was noticed, I knew where you were bound to go." He made an encompassing gesture. "This place is the Mount Hiei, and it used to hold the Tendai School. It was a holy place, and a place of power, both spiritual and mundane. After it was destroyed, many wandering spirits chose it as their resting place. They knew human beings feared it even though they had burnt it to the ground, because of what it had been. And here they came, to hide and find shelter in the heart of what was one of the greatest sanctuaries for learning the ways of Buddhism." He looked around, studying the place and allowing silence to reclaim its domain before resuming, "What belonged solely to mankind and was human in its very essence now belongs to the myriad of kami who inhabit Nihon. When they're chased away from human villages or cities by people like me, they come and seek refuge here." He had a strange smile. "The spirits have a weird sense of humor." He turned his attention on me again. "When you ran away, they couldn't help feeling you as one of them, and they led you here."

I stared at him, feeling his words brush past me like the wind, and felt something rising inside me beside sorrow. Interrupting him, I shook my head. "What's the meaning of this, Sumeragi-san? What are we doing, chatting as if we were strolling Edo castle's gardens?" In a low voice, I added, "Why are you wasting your time talking to one who betrayed you and stole your shogun's presents, likely breaking the fragile balance of power in the same time and sparking chaos in Edo castle?"

It was anger I could feel whirling inside me.

Anger, and more.

Fury.

Irrational, wild and blinding me to anything else than its flames rising higher and higher within me.

I wanted to shout at him.

I wanted to strike at him, to make him go away.

I wanted to....

I....

"The shogun is nothing to me, and I don't give a damn about the powerplays of the Houses. I'm here because of you."

I--

What?

What had he said?

I stared at him sharply, and found the dark brown eyes set on me, with the same unreadable light shining in them, so intense it was almost frightening. He clenched his hands into fists, as if he needed to gather his courage, and then whispered, "Because I care about you." He smiled a bit sadly. "I'm not your enemy, Aislinn-san, I've never been. I didn't come after you to bring you back, I came to help."

I stepped back, and bumped into Nia's left shoulder. The black mare whinnied, upset by the storm of emotions raging inside me, and I turned towards her, leaning my brow against her neck and closing my eyes. I took a deep breath, and desperately tried to control the trembling of my shoulders. I couldn't make sense of his words, I just couldn't. He'd come here, deep into the mountains all the way from Edo instead of returning to Kyoto where he'd been called back by his family...for me?

But...why?

It was a lie, he'd told me he was leaving when we'd walked the gardens, he'd said good-bye. Nothing had changed for him since then, nothing. I dimly heard the sounds of his steps as he came towards me, and didn't even move away. Nothing of this could be real. "Aislinn-san...."

The hand which was reaching out to me suddenly froze, and in the same time I felt Nia tensing against me.

A presence.

Close.

Strong, very strong.

Slowly I turned to face whatever it was I had felt, distantly noticing that Nia's ears had abruptly gone flat on her skull and that her eyes were wide. Sumeragi Kirikaze was facing it as well, his back to me, and his voice rang clearly on the esplanade.

"Show yourself, we've both felt your presence...or must I call you by name to summon you?"

Laughter, cold and bitter, resounded from beyond the trees on our right. "It would be wiser not to name me, Sumeragi. Much wiser."

I bowed my head while silence settled back over the place, fighting the urge to laugh as well. Then he left the shelter of the forest and stepped into the open, coming right for us. Behind me, I heard Laigen whinnying, and wished I could be as open and true as my horses. I wished I could cry, and ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for having betrayed the trust of a friend.

Sakurazuka Sekai's coal black eyes swept over the place, taking in Sumeragi Kirikaze, the horses and myself, coldly assessing his surroundings as if he was getting ready for a battle. Then he focused on the other man, and said with only a hint of surprise in his voice, "You were still stuck in Edo castle when I left. To reach this place before me, you must have flown like the wind all the way here."

Sumeragi Kirikaze shrugged, and replied quietly, "I had to find her before you did." Then he sighed. "You can stop this chase now, Sakurazuka-san. I was stuck in Edo castle because I had to see the shogun. I met with him, and convinced him that Aislinn-san's act had nothing to do with the Toyotomi House's plotting or with a chess move from the English delegation. I even convinced him there was no betrayal in the act, but that Aislinn-san's horses were sacred and guarded by spirits of her homeland, who're wary of human beings and who possessed her to make her act like she did."

He had.... I felt my mind reeling at the enormity of what Sumeragi Kirikaze was saying. That he would go so far.... I.... "Of course the shogun didn't believe a word I said, but when I offered my family's service in the safe-keeping of his gifts, he saw a way out and an elegant solution out of this stupid mess. He's no fool, he took it." The young man waved away in a fatalistic gesture. "In doing this, I have freed the shogun of all the debts he had towards our House, which of course also suited him." Quietly he concluded, "Aislinn-san and her horses will come with me to Kyoto, your orders have been countermanded. You're free to return to Edo Castle."

There was a moment of silence, and then Sakurazuka Sekai chuckled. "A beautiful move. So the shogun is satisfied with your solution, good." He smiled, a smile which never reached his eyes. "Unfortunately I am not." Mockery and contempt seeped into his voice as he added, "This doesn't concern you, Sumeragi. I have no quarrel with you and no intention to waste my time here. Go away, take the horses with you since they're in your keeping now, and get back to your family."

Sumeragi Kirikaze bowed his head, silent, and then lifted it up again, facing the other young man. He whispered softly, "I can't do that, Sakurazuka-san." In a slow, deliberate gesture, Sumeragi Kirikaze reached inside the sleeve of his haori jacket and took out small rectangles of paper. I had no idea what they were, but I knew what it was I could feel rising around him.

Power.

He meant to fight Sakurazuka Sekai.

He....

"No!" Barely aware I was the one whose voice had rung into the air, I stepped before Sumeragi Kirikaze, and faced the friend I had betrayed.

Sakurazuka Sekai's face was totally expressionless, even his eyes were lifeless.

He's in pain.

I nodded to the shadow.

He grieves, but he will demand you pay the price for what you did.

Yes, I knew that, I knew and I understood. It was only fair; after all I had done the same when Liath's life had been taken. There was nothing else he could do. I felt a sad, painful smile on my lips as I said, "Please, don't fight, there's no reason for any of you to." I turned my head towards Sumeragi Kirikaze, and told him, "It's all right." Then I stared at the other young man, and said, "I'll pay your price, Sekai-san. You can have my life."

I betrayed you.

I felt tears burning my eyes, but managed to hold them back. In a small, almost inaudible whisper, I added, "I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I hurt you, I know I did, and I would do it again in the same circumstances. You're my friend, you're a part of my heart, but I...." I shook my head, fighting back the sobs rising in my throat. "There was nothing else I could do."

I looked away, unable to continue. Unable to tell him the words which were locked inside my heart.

I love you as if we were kin.

Forgive me.

"I know." I started as I heard the gentleness in Sakurazuka Sekai's voice. Facing him, I suddenly saw a terrible mixture of sorrow, love and death in his eyes.

"To kill you won't heal his wounded heart, Aislinn-san." Sumeragi Kirikaze came beside me, lightly resting a hand on my right shoulder. "It will only hurt him further." Claws of ice closed around my soul when I heard those words, because Sumeragi Kirikaze was right. I looked at Sakurazuka Sekai's face, I looked into his eyes, and saw the truth. If I let him take my life, it would tear his heart apart, it would rip it to shreds, and.... His heart would die. He would become the monster I had told him he'd be if ever he gave up on his feelings and on the pain killing caused him.

A monster whose very existence would soil the land.

I had told him those very words. And now....

Distantly, I felt something warm and salty running down my cheeks.

Facing Sakurazuka Sekai, Sumeragi Kirikaze said, "Let her be. She's no threat to you, she's no threat to the Sakura. She's not truly human, she's just a lost spirit, condemned to live in a world which is no longer her own." With a faint smile, he added, "You hold no power over her other than the one she allows you to have, she can never be your prey. Let her be, Sakurazuka-san. I don't want to challenge you and break the balance between us, but I will if I have to."

Sakurazuka Sekai snorted. "And why would you imperil something which is the heart of what the Sumeragi House stand for?"

Sumeragi Kirikaze's hand left my shoulder, and he looked at me with a smile full of tenderness. Then he faced Sakurazuka Sekai and said simply, "Because I love her."

Love?

Love?

The word echoed within me as the shadow repeated it over and over again, tasting its every nuance and reveling in the truth of it.

True.

It's true.

Sakurazuka Sekai smiled all of a sudden, a strange smile which mixed sadness and what might have been relief. "It would seem the power she holds over you is greater than the one she has over me." He nodded to himself. "Very well, I will pretend all this never happened. Now go away, both of you, before I change my mind and--"

I reached out to Sumeragi Kirikaze, and allowed our fingertips to touch briefly before flinging myself forward. Before Sakurazuka Sekai could react, I hugged him fiercely.

I love you too, brother of my heart.

I will always love you.

Thank you, for having the strength to be true.

Arms came around me and held me close, and he whispered in my ear, "Fool. Do you know how great a fool you are, Aislinn-san?" I felt a smile on my lips despite my tears, and nodded silently. He crushed me against him, and then pushed me back. For a moment, our eyes met and our spirits touched.

I will never forget you, and I will teach my children.

I will teach them who you are, I will teach them the truth of your heart.

It may be they will forget, but a part of me will always be with them.

The shadow is eternal, and it will be a part of them.

Perhaps one day the children of our children will recognize each other.

Perhaps....

He smiled and reached out to me. His fingertips gently brushed the traces of my tears, then he turned his back on us and went away, disappearing between the trees. I stared fixedly at the forest, until I felt Sumeragi Kirikaze's presence right beside me.

Close to me.

So close....

Aislinn-san....

I turned towards him, smiling brightly.

What I said is the truth, I do love you, but.... I saw the uncertainty shining in his eyes, and felt something warm rising inside my soul, something warm and bright, whose light shone brighter than the sun's. I refuse to let my feeling bind you. You're free. No matter what you feel towards me, you'll be welcome in my House, and I'll protect you and your charges.

I reached out to him, lightly resting the tip of my right forefinger against his lips, and shook my head while the shadow within laughed with inhuman gentleness. I know. I cannot be bound, unless I choose to be. I love you, Sumeragi Kirikaze, I have loved you from the moment when you touched the shadow that I am, and weren't afraid.

Wonder replaced the doubts in his eyes, and he slowly wrapped his arms around me, bringing me close. I sighed happily and nestled my head in the crook of his left shoulder, focusing on the feeling of him.

On the reality of this moment.

It's true.

It's really true.

He hugged me tight, and then he slipped the fingers of his right hand beneath my chin, making me look at him. The flames of joy dancing in his eyes were the most wonderful and magical thing I had ever seen or felt. He bent over me and his lips brushed mine in a tender kiss. The shadow within snorted, having never been one for shyness, and rose inside me. What had started as a gentle and light kiss suddenly became passionate. From somewhere close, Aodhan started whinnying enthusiastically and the shadow in my heart laughed happily.

Will you ever teach that infernal chestnut proper manners?

I looked at Kirikaze and chuckled, shaking my head. I have always failed at it...but you're welcome to try.

He stared at the prankish stallion for a little while, and eventually shrugged helplessly. I guess I'll pass on that one. I grinned at the man I loved, and stole another kiss from him for good measure.

End.

Notes

The Tendai School: located on Mount Hiei, in the mountains near Kyoto, it was founded by a Buddhist priest named Saicho in the year 788. With time, it became the most influential institution in the country and one of its greatest center of learning, culture, art and religion. Even though the Buddhists didn't exercise control over their followers once they'd left the school to rejoin the court, it was still the most powerful political force in early and medieval Japanese history. It was destroyed by Oda Nobunaga in the year 1571 and burnt to the ground for fear of the power and influence it represented.
Ningen wa kowakatta desu: Human beings were afraid.

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