Don't Forgive - 8/End : And They Sank into the Silence of DawnAn X fanfiction by Ariane Kovacevic, AKA Fuu-chan. The digital clock on the kitchen's wall was indicating four forty-five in the morning, and that sure matched with the weariness filling Kishuu Arashi's being. Stifling a yawn, she walked towards the fridge and opened it, distantly wondering why she was cursed with this need to drink something in the middle of the night. No matter what she drank in the evening or how much, she'd always wake up, her throat so dry it almost hurt, and then she'd drag herself towards the kitchen to get some milk. She opened the fridge's door and blinked as the light assaulted her senses, hurting her eyes. Damn, but this was really a very disturbing habit, and she had no idea how to get rid of it. She half closed her eyes, and let her fingers grope for the familiar bottle. Once she had found it, she quickly closed the fridge again, before at last quelling her thirst. Oh this was so good... Breathing deeply, her eyes closed, Kishuu Arashi quietly set the milk bottle beside the sink basin, and just stood there. Revelling in the silence. Drowning the peace of the house. One with each and every... Her eyes abruptly snapped open, and she whirled around, walking briskly towards the living room. There, on the sofa right next to the kitchen door... Before she could hold her anger in check, she hissed : "What are *you* doing here ?" The shadow stood up, and in the dim light of the setting moon Kishuu Arashi recognized the features of Arisugawa Sorata. Just as she had known, and felt. His right hand went up, running through his short hair in a gesture of fake embarrassment, and he stammered : "Nothing... Errm... Nothing at all... I just... you know... couldn't sleep... so... I figured I might as well spend some time watching the night..." Of course. She stared at him icily, wondering if he knew how bad a liar he was. She shook her head, angry. Angry with him for being there, for the reason for which she *knew* he was here, angry with him for having shattered her so short moment of absolute peace, for... She replied in a furious whisper : "Yes, just as I was about to go mushrooms hunting !..." Her hands closed into fists. "When will you stop playing this stupid game ? Who do you think you're fooling, you..." The sound of his voice gently interrupted her. "I know I'm not fooling you, but I can't stop..." Something in his tone stopped her, and suddenly, she found herself looking at him, and listening to him, seeing and hearing truly for what had to be the first time in all the days they'd known each other. "I can't ever stop..." He smiled wistfully. "You see, I know you always wake up at night to get something to drink, I've heard you getting up every night, I've listened to the sound of your steps in the stairs, to the sound of the fridge as you opened it... I know when you wake up at dawn and go to the grove in the back of the garden to meditate, I..." He sighed almost imperceptibly. "I've tried to learn all I could about you, everything you do, everything you like, the things which make you smile... All the things you refuse..." His dark brown eyes stared at her steadily, gates to his soul that nothing was guarding against her, no shield, no veil, nothing at all. "We all know that something is bound to happen, soon, no matter how hard we've tried to live as if the Promised Day was merely the result of a demented mind's imagination, no matter how hard we've tried to lead normal lives. And when this something happens..." His smile had lost its wistfulness, it was now determined, and also a bit crooked, as if in defence of a rebuke he knew was bound to come. Unable to help himself, he reached out to her. "I want to be sure I'll be beside you, so I can protect the one I love..." For the time of a heartbeat, she felt the burning need to shout at him he was the most stupid idiot she had ever met, but strangely the moment passed. As silence claimed the living room, she watched his fingers touch hers, and didn't move. She knew she should have stepped back now, while it was still possible to pretend all this had been nothing more than a joke, another of his silly pranks... But... "I know..." She barely heard her own voice. Something deep within her smiled, knowing that in the night, things could be whispered and felt, things which could exist under the stars but which would have been impossible to acknowledge in the harsh light of day. Dimly, she could hear her heartbeats, slow and steady, while something that was in the same time warm, and icy cold engulfed her. There was suddenly a lump in her throat, as sorrow and joy mixed within, giving birth to something she had never thought could exist. She allowed their fingers to intertwine, and focused on the feeling of his skin against hers as she added : "But when the moment comes, I won't have you protecting me, I won't see you die for me. We'll fight side by side. We'll protect what we believe in, what we stand for. I won't be a burden for you, just as you won't be one for me. And if it's our destiny to live beyond that moment, then..." A hesitant smile crept up her lips. "Then we can settle accounts and finish this conversation." There was a long moment of silence, and then eventually he nodded. His fingers released hers, and as she thought he was going to step back, he reached out to her once more. She saw his hand coming up to her face and made to step back, but before she could move, his fingers brushed her right cheek, and then he left without a word. She stared at his retreating back, numb, and slowly held up a hand, touching her face. Where his fingers had brushed her skin, she could feel traces of moisture, warm. Tears. Her tears, that he had wiped away. The play of light in the clear waters of the huge aquarium was both beautiful, and fascinating. It never stopped changing, as if the distant city lights served only as spotlights which lighted a stage in which water and fishes were forever dancing to a melody only they could hear. They, and she. If she closed her eyes, if she focused her thoughts, she knew she'd hear it, hidden deep inside her heart. Kasumi Karen smiled as a fish swam right before her eyes, and as the light reflected on its scales gave birth to the wonderful colours of a rainbow. She looked on her right to her companion, and thought that sometimes, the whims of Fate were a strange mixture of blessing and curse. She told him softly : "Thank you, Aoki-san, yours was really a wonderful idea." He bowed slightly at that, smiling at her a smile so beautiful she felt her heart wrenching. Taking a quick grip over herself, she chased the pain away and smiled back, adding : "That we'd meet, and that you'd manage to have the both of us enter this place in the middle of the night is..." She gestured helplessly, unable to find the right words to express the feeling the incredible sequence of events had given rise to. He said softly : "Perhaps it was Fate, or Chance that made us meet in that street. Some people believe that the universe always places us in the right place at the right time, it may be it was what happened... Or perhaps it was some kind of a miracle..." She looked away from him all of a sudden, unwilling to let him see the pain she could feel flaring up inside her, the pain she knew was now shining in her eyes. In the giant aquarium, the fishes were swimming peacefully, oblivious of the senseless storms tearing human hearts apart. She focused on the play of tiny lights in the water, focused on the huge bay windows beyond it and the view of the city they offered, and eventually whispered : "I don't believe in miracles, Aoki-san..." When she had sent her last customer away, she had taken a shower, and then had left her room, intending to go back to the Dragons of Heaven's house and rest, but as she had reached the street, she had found Seiichirou Aoki walking her way. She felt bitter laughter as she remembered she had closed her long trenchcoat tighter, in a ludicrous gesture that she could only half understand. She had... What had she wanted to hide from him ? She must have been more than a bit mad, tired perhaps, or taken by surprise... Yes, certainly. Shaking her head inwardly at her stupidity, Kasumi Karen then remembered him asking her to accompany him, he had been on his way to see something, and strangely enough he had immediately thought it'd be even better if she could accompany him. And so they had gone to the Sunshine 60 Building, at around five o'clock in the morning, and at her utter surprise somebody had come to open the door and let them in... She smiled, adding in a whisper : "I only believe in miracles people create with their own hands, through the strength of their wills..." There had been no chance in their meeting, she was quite sure of it, he hadn't even tried to pretend there had been. What she didn't know was why, or why she had agreed to play along. She bowed her head, and concluded : "And there are things that no miracle will ever change, things nobody can help..." Her voice fell, and she wondered in the silence whether her pain and sorrow could have been heard in her tone. Praying she had been able to keep them locked within, praying she hadn't burdened him with them. He had nothing to do with all this stupidity, it wasn't his fault, she just... "It's true, you're right..." She tensed as she heard the gentleness in his voice, and slowly turned to face him. Seiichirou Aoki's beautiful hazel eyes were staring at her steadily, knowing. Understanding... Heat rushed to Kasumi Karen's cheeks, and somehow she managed not to turn and run away. Refusing to flee, she asked him in a barely audible whisper : "Why are you doing this, Aoki-san ?" Around them, the lights' colours were changing. The night was slowly turning to grey. There was a long moment of silence, and then he reached out to a fish passing before them and replied softly : "Something is coming. I've felt it in the wind, something that will change everything we know, and I'm not sure we'll still be there after it's come to pass. So, I wanted you to know..." He faced her again, and this time his eyes were full of a sadness that he'd never truly allow to show and be expressed. "I'm sorry..." He reached out to her in a tentative gesture more touching and expressive than any speech could have been. "I've been the cause of a great pain in your heart, and I want you to know that if there had been anything I could have done, I'd have done it." His fingers brushed hers as their hands briefly met, and then they both broke the contact. Kasumi Karen stared at her hands with something akin to incredulity. So, this was it. Touch, so quick, so ephemereal it could have been a mere dream. This feeling burning in her heart, this emotion she had wanted to keep a secret, found out and known for what it was, acknowledged and... She looked up at Seiichirou Aoki, her eyes brimming with tears she couldn't hide just now, and tried to smile. Beyond him, beyond the aquarium and the great bay windows offering one of the most beautiful views over Tokyo City, the stars were winking out of existence. The lights of dawn were slowly chasing the night away. She watched the sight, her heart too full of emotions, so full of them it was as if she was empty, and suddenly, she felt it, this thing he had said was coming. She kept watching, unshed tears hurting her eyes, she kept watching as a feeling that had no name gripped her soul. The sun was rising. I looked worriedly at Kakyou, and he smiled faintly as the cat-like eyes met mine, whispering : "I'm all right Gai-san, there's no need to look so concerned." I nodded silently, telling myself that he was right, that worrying about him held no meaning, that even more than that, worrying about him was simply ludicrous and laughable. I looked at Monou Fuum and asked him : "Can you keep helping him ?" He nodded, and we walked on. Monou Fuuma hadn't spoken a word since we had left the Government Buidling, he hadn't shown any feeling or emotion, his face a perfect mask. Since he was obviously stronger than I was, he had borne Kakyou in his arms all this way. It had taken us most of the night to come back to the house the Dragons of Heaven occupied, but at last we were close to our goal. At last... I focused on the dull pain still throbbing in my right palm, and on the giant sword's song. Within me, the Dark was fighting, tearing at shields that could somehow resist its furious assaults. It hurt, but I could walk on, I still knew my name and my purpose. As long as I could hear the melody of the perfect blade, as I could prevent it from being drowned by the laughter, as long as I could get away with cheating the Dark like this, taking for me strength that belonged to it, I'd be able to whistand it... Brave little sheep faithfully walking towards the slaughterhouse, knowing... I denied the inner voice, but it came back stronger, harsher. Poor damned soul, stupid fool... Fight ! Fight me, obey to the wish of your heart. Fight me, give yourself justification ! I bit my lower lip, refusing to hear, refusing to feel the desperate desire in my heart. Give yourself a reason, give yourself the end that *should* be yours... No. Give yourself this thing you will never have otherwise, this thing you yearn for with all your soul, the only thing that could soothe the pain devouring you... I tasted blood in my mouth, and focused on that, desperately. Allow yourself to be granted this small, simple thing... No... Forgiveness... No ! I staggered, and leant against a wall, trembling, blinded by tears and pain. Oh gods, no. No... I distantly heard a low moan rising in the night, and knew it was coming from me. I hugged the giant sword against me, felt the cold of its steel, felt its song withtin, held on to it for strength, for sanity, feeling the almost unbearable need to howl in the night, and do what the Dark urged me to, to fight its hold, to fight its presence I loathed within me, to... To lose, and be justified. I could only lose, I could only be overwhelmed, and then it would happen anyway. I knew it, I knew it ! I... To lose, and be forgiven. Forgiven... Laughter replaced the moan rising in the chill air of the night. Mine. I laughed, and hugged the blade tighter against me, as if it had been my lover. At last, I managed to silence the cry in my heart, and stood away from the wall. Monou Fuuma was looking at me, his eyes empty, devoid of life, and Kakyou's golden eyes were locked on mine. Carefully neutral, as if he had known that compassion or pity would have tipped the balance and sent me down the path I couldn't take. The path I had no right to take. I nodded silently at him, and walked on, anxious to get to our destination. It was very close now, I could see the fences of the garden, maybe as far as a hundred meters from us. Good. As I made to accelerate, an ethereal shape appeared at the edge of the fences, and glided towards us. A wolf. I stopped, and the spirit came to me, looking up at me with eyes full of fear and sorrow. I should have gone on my way, I should have ignored the plea in those eyes, but I found myself kneeling in front of the ghostly wolf, and reached out to it. My fingers gently caressed the top of its head, and I whispered softly : "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do, but she needs not see this..." I smiled at the wolf, adding : "Go back to your mistress, and guard her sleep. Don't let her wake, I will not involve her." The wolf's eyes stayed locked on mine for a long time, as if it was weighing my words and trying to reach a decision, and then suddenly it advanced towards me and softly licked my left cheek. Taken aback by the wolf's move, I didn't react, and it stepped away from me. It tilted its head backward, and silently howled in the night, before going away as swiftly as it had come. I stood up, hearing the echoes of the keening howl still resounding in my soul, and eventually resumed walking. Sumeragi Subaru watched from his observation spot as the wolf spirit Nekoi Yuzuriha named Inuki came to Kuroki Gai. He watched in silence and indifference as the spirit stepped back and howled its grief for the one who had carried the title of Wolf Lord in another life. All this was useless. He had known, as soon as he had glimpsed the sight of Monou Fuuma and Kakyou accompanying the young man. Where there should have been two Dragons of Earth only one was left, helped by one who was now nothing more than a lost soul. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered, it was only pure chance that he had been in this place in time to witness this, to see Kuroki Gai holding the Shinken, to feel the blade singing to him alone, to feel the Darkness he had been able to restrain until that moment slowly seep out of him, winning free little by little despite his desperate effort to keep it locked within. Yes, it was nothing but chance. He'd been hunting the whole night, following the Sakurazukamori through mazes of illusion and reality, through avenues and streets, led by the other in an intricate chase whose patterns he could see but didn't give a damn about. Game of cat and mouse where his role was... Angrily, Sumeragi Subaru chased the stray thought away, and sighed wearily, wondering where his enemy had vanished. Until now, he'd been able to feel his presence, just beyond sight, just at the edge of his vision, but... "Do you really believe it's only chance that caused you to be here in time to see Kuroki Gai, Subaru-kun ?" Sumeragi Subaru whirled around as he heard the voice, to see Sakurazuka Seishirou watching him less than three steps away. The assassin was smiling, his one good eye fixed on his prey. With tremendous effort, Sumeragi Subaru managed to make himself listen to the words and understand them, somehow managing not to throw himself at his enemy, and asked in a hiss : "You mean to tell me you knew and brought me to this place at the exact time ?" Sakurazuka Seishirou chuckled softly. "So much anger, I could almost think that what I feel radiating from you is really true hatred, Subaru-kun..." The assassin sobered suddenly. "I mean that you have a choice before you, my dear and cute thirteenth Head of the Sumeragi Clan. Stay, and play with me, or go, and try to stop what's coming. It's extremely unlikely you can make a difference, but then you never know. You can go, and save your fragile little soul by accomplishing what Fate has decreed for you, perhaps you might even force our lost Wolf Lord to save his..." Sumeragi Subaru stared at Sakurazuka Seishirou for a long time, he stared at the one who had been, or was the one true love of his short life, the one who had meant everything to him and betrayed him so horribly, hurt him so terribly, and wondered. Was the assassin mad ? Was the assassin so sure of himself and victory that he had discarded all knowledge of his prey to give him this ridiculous choice that made no sense ? Sumeragi Subaru smiled in the grey darkness that marked the close end of the night, and replied : "There's nothing to save, there's nothing left, Seishirou-san, I thought you knew this. There hasn't been anything for years. I died on that day..." Yes, he had died. He had felt his heart shattering in myriads of fragments, so slowly... He had died, but one thing had held him back. A face he had kept seeing everywhere, a voice he had kept hearing all the time, a touch he had kept feeling, awake or asleep. A presence, a feeling, a memory that had imprisoned him, obsessed him, locked him in this world, a pain so intense and horrible it had no meaning, a grief and hatred he could never win free of, no matter what... He whispered softly to the one he loved and hated : "I am damned, I have been from that moment, and nothing can change that..." He looked at the way Kuroki Gai had disappeared, and added : "Him and me, we're both damned. He's doing what he must, he's free at least to choose that, just as I am. So..." Sumeragi Subaru faced his enemy again, and reached into a pocket of his trenchcoat, closing his fingers on small rectangles of paper called ofudas, and concluding : "Let's finish our game." The solitary figure tensed as it heard the light sound of my hand parting the veil of weeping willow branches that guarded the entrance to the small clearing at the far edge of the garden. He was there, as I had known he'd be. It was likely he didn't know why he had come to this place in the night, but he had felt the impulse, and had obeyed it. It was a good thing, just as it was a good thing the lock of the garden's rear door had been fairly easy to pick. I nodded, acknowledging relief at the thought we wouldn't have to enter the house and risk waking up the other Dragons of Heaven. I didn't want them here, they had no place in this, no place I was about to let them have. Beside me, Monou Fuuma had stopped, tense, radiating anguish, ready to bolt at the slightest mistake I'd make. I smiled bitterly, knowing it was too late to flee now. Even if he tried... I called softly : "Kamui-san..." He whirled around at the sound of my voice, and I distinctly saw in the dim light of the coming dawn a smile full of joy forming on his lips. "Gai-san ! You've..." He faltered, the beautiful purple eyes marked with a mixture of shock and pain as the presence of my companions registered in his mind. In the sudden silence, he sketched a step back, then forcefully stopped himself, lost. Unable to decide what he should do now. Run to the other half of himself, or flee. Flee far away... Kakyou gently tugged at Monou Fuuma's sleeve, and the former Dragon of Earth mechanically complied, letting the DreamGazer down. Just before coming my way, Kakyou gave a weak push on Monou Fuuma's shoulder, so weak the other shouldn't even have felt it, but, as if he had been waiting for this excuse, he obeyed it and walked towards Shirou Kamui. "Fuuma..." Kamui's faint whisper was taken away by the breeze, lost. Monou Fuuma had stopped right in front of him, and was now facing him, unmoving. Like a statue of marble. Both of them seemed to be paralyzed, as if they had been actors frozen in the middle of a scene. My fingers reflexively closed on the giant sword at my side, and I breathed deeply, fighting for control, for patience. Suddenly, Monou Fuuma fell on his knees before Shirou Kamui, his head bowed, and an inarticulate cry of despair and grief escaped him. Somehow, this freed Kamui from the trance that had held him until now, and he knelt down as well, closing his arms around Monou Fuuma, who said in a voice raw with shame, guilt, sorrow and self-hatred : "Kotori... I killed her, I... And you... I... hurt you... Kamui, I..." Shirou Kamui held the other tight against him as he cried out, freeing the emotions that were tearing him apart. He hugged Monou Fuuma as he trembled feverishly, and, slowly, a light started shining in the deep purple eyes. As tears soaked his face, Shirou Kamui whispered : "You're back, oh Fuuma you're back... You're safe..." There was a beautiful smile on Shirou Kamui's lips, a smile that expressed all the love he bore his other self, all his love for him and his friends. A smile that expressed... Hope, as bright and radiant as a new day. Hope... I looked at Kakyou beside me, who nodded almost imperceptibly, his golden eyes pools that had drowned any emotion that might have tried to win through to the surface. I understood. I knew. It was time. My fingers closed on the hilt of the giant sword, and I told myself it'd be easy. So easy... Fool ! No. I wished I could laugh at the raging Dark within. Oh no. I could only lose, I knew it. One way or another, whether I fought or yielded, whether I battled the Dark and then fell to it and freed it, or whether I did what it wanted. Yes, I could have chosen to fight, yes, I would then have been vainquished and I'd have died having defended what I believed in, but it wouldn't have changed the true outcome of the battle. Nothing could change that, the gods had seen to that, Fate had been sealed. So I had chosen to damn myself, to bring with my own hands the death and destruction the Dark wanted, but there was one difference. Just one. It would happen my way. I listened to the holy sword's beautiful song as I fought to keep the Dark locked in my soul, and moved. It all happened very fast, it was very easy, as I had known it would be. Shirou Kamui and Monou Fuuma were kneeling less than five steps from us, embracing, lost in the feeling of each other, in a storm of emotions so strong that nothing else existed for them anymore. They never even saw me coming. I raised the sword, and struck. The shining blade effortlessly pierced through both Monou Fuuma's and Shirou Kamui's hearts, and as I freed it from the bodies, they slowly fell on the grass at my feet. As Shirou Kamui's head touched the ground, I saw his lips were still shaping the same luminous smile. I dropped the sword, and there was only a slight sound as it hit the grass. In front of me, the pool of blood was slowly spreading on the ground. I looked at the two corpses, and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. No tears in my eyes, no emotion rising in my heart. Only some absurd relief that it was done at last. That I had... I shook my head, feeling cold. Wishing I could hug myself but unable to lift my arms. Paralyzed. I distantly felt myself shivering, and blinked, wondering what was wrong with me, what... I tensed violently as I felt a hand resting on my left shoulder, and suddenly, the cold inside became burning, as if the touch had unlocked a door, or broken a dam that had kept the chaotic tide of emotions safely away. Pain filled me, tears came to my eyes, and I whispered savagely : "Don't you dare tell me they forgive me ! Don't you dare !" The hand squeezed gently, and I turned to face Kakyou. He shook his head, and his right hand reached out to me, the fingers softly wiping away tears I couldn't even feel running down my cheeks anymore, as he said : "No, I won't tell you that. Nobody will ever forgive you what you just did, and what you're going to do. The gods will curse your name for all eternity. You're damned, beyond all hope of ever being saved, but there is one thing I can tell you..." His fingertips traced the lines of my face in a gentle caress. "I understand, and I know the strength and courage it took." I threw myself in his arms, unable to restrain the howl of pain and guilt within me any longer, unable to bear the horrible grief, and he held me tight. As I cried, his fingers softly ran through my hair, and I focused on him, on his warmth, on his touch, on the life I could feel pulsing through him. Strangely, the Dark's laughter was subdued. It shouldn't have been, it should have come forth now, now that I wasn't strong enough to bar its way anymore, but it seemed to be kept away somehow, as if... I looked up at Kakyou, and saw he was smiling at me. A shield. My shield. He... Before I could speak, he whispered softly : "It's all right Gai-san, I can keep it at bay for a little while." I looked at him, silent for a long time, and then suddenly told him : "I wish the curtain could be dropped now..." He chuckled softly, replying : "Then drop it." I tensed, taken aback by his words. What I had just said, it was nothing but a selfish wish, something that couldn't be, that... In his eyes, something was shining, a light I had once seen in a dream he had weaved for me. The light of a wish he had asked of me, as price for his help. A wish... Death... I remembered. I had promised him... I had... I smiled crookedly, knowing there was no escape from this, or from the rest. There never had been. I would keep my word, and make it quick, it was fitting that it should happen this way, I had no more reason to delay. I nodded, and reached out to him, torn between emotions and will, by inner contradictions that nothing would ever resolve. He took my hand in his, and bent over me, his expression one of serenity, regrets and eerie happiness. As our lips touched, I held him close, with all the strength I had, focusing all my being on the kiss, willing myself to feel nothing but the infinte tenderness of the caress of his lips, and freed the force that had been locked within me. There was silence all around us, silence so deep it seemed it couldn't be of this world. In the East, the sun rose, and as its light touched the grove, cracks opened in the ground beneath our feet. I held Kakyou tight, willing myself to be his shield until the end, willing to keep feeling him when Death would strike, and... I love you. This thought... Both his and mine, it lingered, echoing in my soul for in a split second of eternity, and somehow dimmed the pain engulfing me. For him and for me who were standing in the eye of chaos, the world shattered and died in absolute silence, in the blink of an eye. End.
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