[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

I got out of the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me. It was late. Very late. But I didn't care. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't find peace. Damn Yuuto Kigai. Damn Sakurazukamori. I felt soiled. It was as if Steve's taking of my emotions had had no effect. I felt trapped. Sure of defeat. Suddenly I felt a presence in the bathroom, and at the same time someone embraced me gently. Kujaku.

"Fiona..."

I could feel his body against mine, his strength.

"Love... Talk to me... Let me help..."

I wanted... I wanted to lean against him and cry. Weep. Sob. Until my eyes ran out of tears. Until I could forget, or accept. I gritted my teeth and tensed. No. No I wanted desperately to be comforted, held, to feel his tenderness, his love, but... It would have been useless. It would have been a lie. It would have been hiding myself from reality. And I couldn't do that anymore. I freed myself from his hold and went away without a word.

"Wait ! Don't flee me !"

I looked behind me and chuckled bitterly.

"I am not running away from anything..."

My fingers squeezed on the door handle.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you. Let me be. I want peace, okay ? Not too hard for you ? And anyway you..."

I stopped myself abruptly and went out of the room, feeling emptiness fill my soul. The words I had meant to say... I had almost told him that he couldn't do anything for me, because... I put on a nightrobe, and went out of our room, banging the door shut.

He was going to die.

He was going to die. Die. Die. I closed my eyes. I smiled. Oh yes he was going to die. I knew that. He knew it too. He would go. I would remain, alone. Forever. There wouldn't be anyone to be close to me or help me or love me then. No one. So I had better start getting used to the idea. I had let myself act as if the Dream was a distant possibility, when I knew it was not. When I knew it was the truth. Hell, I had better be ready. Be strong. To fight the one who would try to take advantage of that. I felt a feral smile on my lips. I knew he would move then. It was what I would have done in his place. And putting myself in his stead was easy. Shedding my skin for that of the hunter's was simple. I knew my weaknesses. But he wouldn't win. I knew a sure way of defeating him.

"Fiona..."

I looked up, surprised.

Golden eyes. Worried. Gentle.

Ashura.

"What's going on ?..."

She put a hand on my left arm.

"Couldn't Kujaku help you ?..."

Friendship.

Love.

Trust.

No. I freed myself, saying harshly :

"No one can help me, no one but myself. I don't want your compassion. I don't need it..."

I sneered at her.

"Don't worry about your precious Seals. I am your priestess. I know that. No one will have them. Have no fear. So let me be !"

I ignored the pain in her eyes and went away. Damn them, couldn't they understand ? Couldn't they leave me alone ? I chuckled in the night. It didn't matter. It didn't matter anymore. Because I knew what I had to do. It was ridiculously easy.

I breathed deeply, revelling in the silence of the place. The inner garden was a wonderful place. Ideal in fact. There wasn't anyone here. I was alone. I searched within my soul, ignoring my feelings. There. Of course. Not as deeply hidden as I had thought. Not as dimmed as I had envisioned it. Well, so much the better. It served my purpose perfectly. My old defence. My wall.

I had a purpose to serve, I knew it. Feelings were in the way . Feelings were a weakness. As they had always been. I had been a fool to let them impair me. Well, this time I had experience, and the wall would stand.

"Fiona-san..."

I turned, sighing. Hell, were they as dumb as that ? Didn't they know ? Yuzuriha Nekoi came slwoly towards me, flanked by her wolf.

"Are you okay ? I saw Kujaku-san... He was worried..."

I laughed.

"Why ? He didn't think I was going to kill myself now, did he ?"

I looked at her.

"Or maybe you did ?"

I burst out laughing. This was too funny. I shook my head.

"Forgive me, but it sounds so... Ridiculous. Tragic... I do not intend to admit defeat. I intend to win actually you know... So you can go back to sleep and tell the other fool to take a few pills to help him rest."

She looked at me during a long time. Sadness plain in her blue-grey eyes. Distantly, I wondered why she should feel such a sorrow. There was no reason at all. At last, she said :

"Fiona-san... You shouldn't hide like that, you have people who love you..."

I turned my back on her.

"I am not hiding. I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't give a damn. And you had better leave Nekoi-san. I have more interesting things to do than arguing with a teenager and a wolf."

I felt something softly pushing the palm of my right hand and absently looked down. Inuki. He whined softly.

"He's sad. Sad because you are his friend. Because you hurt..."

My hand closed into a fist, and I said in a toneless voice :

"Call him back. Call him back now if you don't want him hurt. Call him and go, both of you. For your information, I do not hurt. I want to be left alone is all."

Shit, what would it take to make her leave ? Why were people so stubborn, so obstinate ? If she thought I would break down and cry, ask for help, she was sadly mistaken. I had warned her.

"You had better go indeed Yuzuriha-san, before this selfish cowardly fool decides to seriously cause you pain..."

I smiled. Great. As if I needed him on top of it. Ignoring him would be useless. So I faced him. I fixed steadily his emerald eyes and said once Yuzuriiha Nekoi had left the place :

"Now what ? What is the great psychic and empath going to do ? Tell me I shouldn't hide too perhaps ?"

The wall was up now. Strong. Harder than the purest diamond. Nothing would ever break it again. I would never let anything break it again. I chuckled.

"Or perhaps you think I am hurting... Tell me you feel my pain and you will be a liar."

He stayed silent during a long minute, then sighed.

"I won't say you're in pain..."

He gritted his teeth.

"Because I can't feel it. I can't feel anything from you..."

I shrugged.

"I told you so. So why don't you leave me alone ?"

Suddenly, he came to me and his hands closed on my shoulders.

"Damn you ! Don't you understand ? I don't know what you are doing to yourself, but you are destroying your soul !"

He shook me.

"He is winning ! Do you hear me ? You are doing exactly what he wants ! You are admitting defeat !"

I whispered :

"Let go of me."

He shook me harder.

"No. No curse you ! You are playing his game !..."

I tried to free myself, but he pushed me violently against a wall.

"You are so afraid of the pain, of the sorrow that you are chasing them from you, you are letting the emptiness take over, you are becoming like him ! I know..."

He bowed his head.

"I know... I almost yielded too... I almost..."

He looked up at me, pleading.

"Do not... Do not give up your humanity..."

I smiled pleasantly.

"I am not giving up anything. I do not care. And believe me, he will not win. I will be ready for him when he comes again..."

I had no other choice. If I let myself feel... Kujaku's death would make me go mad. I knew it. I couldn't allow it.

"Now free me Sumeragi-san. I have had enough of this game. You will not change anything. You are just wasting your time and mine."

His hands let go of my shoulders, and I saw tears in his eyes. tears of sadness, sorrow, pity, understanding and rage.

"You are doing this because of your mate. Because he will die. Damn you, face the truth. Face the pain ! Do you think you're the only one he hurt ? Gods, I loved him, he was the only person I have ever loved, and he betrayed me, and he killed my sister with his bare hands ! You're nothing but a coward !"

I massaged my shoulders, asking him :

"Is that all ? You're finished ?..."

He stared at me helpessly.

"You..."

I sighed.

"I have had enough. Now that your pretty speech is over, go."

Shit. Would they all come ? Would they all tell me I shouldn't hide ? Why couldn't they understand I was not hiding from the pain ? Why couldn't they understand it was the other way around ? I wished I could get out of here, go far away. Where they wouldn't find me. I wished I could go to my horses, spend the night sleeping on the straw beside Cloud. Feel his warmth, bathe in the peaceful atmosphere of the stables. The horses gave me, they always gave without asking for anything in return. It was so much easier with them. They always understood.

But I couldn't go. Because of him. Because of the cursed End of the World. Well, if I couldn't leave the Diet Building, at least maybe I could find a place where no one would distrub me. I hoped I could. Because they were beginning to bore me. I turned around, and stopped.

Steve.

Leaning against the door of the garden. Unmoving. Watching me. Waiting. I asked him angrily :

"Have you been here a long time ?"

He shrugged.

"Sufficiently..."

He pushed himself away from the door and came to me. I smiled bitterly.

"Don't tell me you have come to try that pathetic trick too ?"

He shook his head.

"No..."

He smiled infinitely sadly.

"No Fiona. I came to offer my help. If you will accept it."

My shoulders slumped and I sighed.

"Gods rot it Steve... I am getting tired of this. Leave me be. I don't want your help. Yours or anyone else's for that matter. I thought I had made that clear. I don't need your damn help."

He looked at the garden behind me.

"So it may be... You have hurt your friends Fiona. You have used your ability to feel to hurt them as much as you could. To push them away..."

His eyes locked on mine all of a sudden.

"To prevent them from reaching you..."

He watched me, apparently waiting for a reaction. I shook my head. I looked at him behind my diamond wall. Bored with this comedy.

"Steve, if I wasn't so exhausted, I would laugh. You disappoint me. I thought you would know and let me be. Your words are like grains of sand in the desert. Your feelings, the concern and love you are hurling at me, they do not touch me. I do not give a damn. I do not care. You can go to hell for that matter. You should go back to the horses, there at least you'd be useful. Now is it clear enough for you ?"

Damn it, I had to go from this garden. I moved away, but his fingers caught my left arm, pulling me back.

"Fiona... You know you are hurting me, don't you ?"

I shrugged.

"Yeah. So what ? You only need to go. I warned you. I want peace. Is that so complicated ? If you decide to stay, it's your problem. Not mine. It's not my fault if you enjoy pain, is it ?"

He stepped back, hurt plain in his face. Tears brimming in his eyes.

"Fiona..."

The tears began to run down his cheeks. I looked at them, at the patterns they were drawing and thought it was funny. Felt like laughing.

"Oh Goddess, Fiona you are almost like him. You are almost like Sakurazukamori. Don't you see ?"

Why was he trying to break diamond ? It was ludicrous. Nothing could break that. I said in a tired voice :

"The only thing I see is that you are mistaken. And that you do not understand and are hurting yourself for nothing. Which seems crazy to me."

His fingers closed painfully around my arm.

"What about Kamui ? I know you helped him, I know you promised him to guard his hopes for him, to dream for him... Will you tell him you don't give a damn anymore ? Will you tell him he's a fool for trusting you ?"

My eyes narrowed. Kamui... No, Kamui I would not hurt. I said icily :

"I will not tell anything to Kamui, because you will not let him come to me. Unless you want to be responsible for the pain he will feel. Because it will be on your shoulders, not mine. If I see him, if he talks to me, I will hurt him so much he will leave this place screaming. So you had better make sure he doesn't come. Am I clear ?"

He smiled softly.

"So you still care... Somewhere you still care..."

I chuckled.

"Wrong. I do not need another enemy is all. Now go Steve, you're boring me to death."

Absentmindedly, I wondered if I would have to hurt him further to force him to go. Of course I didn't mind hurting him, I didn't care, but I'd have appreciated some solitude, damn it !

"Let her be Steve, I am going to settle this nonsense. As I should have had the sense to do before she hurt you and the others."

No. I bowed my head and whispered :

"Go. Away. Now."

I closed my eyes, denying his presence.

"Look at me Fiona. Look at me love... Look at me if indeed you do not care. It should be easy, shouldn't it ?"

I slowly looked up into his purple eyes, saying :

"It is easy. I am simply exhausted. This is the middle of the night and I need some sleep. As you do. Leave me alone."

He smiled gently.

"It's out of the question beloved. You know I will not abandon you. You know I will never let you carry on with this madness..."

Curse him for being a fool. An even bigger fool than the others. I wouldn't spare him because he was my lover. I wanted peace, and damn it I would have it. I said, smiling :

"But you see, I know you are going to abandon me. We both know that. You are going to die. You will die and leave me alone. Your love, no matter how sincere and pure it is will not resist to Death. It will be reduced to ashes. You betrayed my love once. I have not forgotten. I will never let myself feel that pain again. So stop being a fool, why don't you ?"

He winced, as if I had hurt him physically.

"Fiona..."

He bit his lower lip.

"I understand... I... But denying yourself won't help. You of all people should know that. Fiona... If indeed you don't feel, tell me I am nothing in your eyes..."

I looked at him during a few seconds, and laughed.

"Gods, you're really a fool ! So be it, you did ask for this. You..."

A diamond wall could not break. Could not.

"You are nothing in my eyes. I do not give a damn about you..."

Shit, I was really feeling exhausted, I was even dizzy. I needed rest.

"Now will you bow to the facts and let me sleep ?"

He said softly :

"No... No I will never let you become another Seishirou Sakurazuka..."

Suddenly, a knife appeared in his right hand and he held it out to me.

"Take it. Take it and kill me. I am going to die anyway. So better to die now, not when my death could delay us or in the middle of a fight. And I had rather you did it my love..."

I took the blade from him and looked at it. Sharp, shining. Beautiful. Just a little bit curved. I looked at Kujaku. If I struck correctly, it would reach his heart immediately. He would almost not have time to feel pain. It was a good way to go. Merciful. I asked him in a detached voice :

"Are you sure ?"

He nodded, still smiling.

"Oh yes, I am. Don't be afraid Fiona, I asked you, didn't I ? It's what I want."

This was the most ridiculous tentative of the whole night. But it wasn't my fault if he had suddenly developped a taste for dramatics. And besides, I would do it quickly. I said :

"I am not afraid. I wish you happiness in your next life Kujaku."

My fingers closed on the handle. The move was an easy one. I couldn't miss it. I struck.

I looked at my right arm clinically. It had stopped. The blade was against his chest. My hand was trembling. Dimly, I wondered why. I willed it to resume its movement, but it refused to obey. I felt a tremor running through my whole body. Damn it, what was wrong with me ? My fingers lost their grip on the handle, and the knife fell noisily on the ground. Curse it. I looked at my hands. Hell, I was... Hurting. I felt my body shaking. It hurt. My chest, my throat. My eyes, I... Hurt. So much. So... Salt. Liquid. Damn, the pain was getting worse with each second. It was... Unbearable. Unhuman. Suddenly, I heard a cry. The cry of a wounded animal. The cry of an animal yearning for death. For the end of pain.

Arms closed around me and hugged me fiercely.

Pain.

Fear.

Despair.

Hurt.

I had... hurt...

My gift... I had used it to...

Ashura... Yuzuriha... Subaru... Steve...

Kujaku...

Love.

Guilt.

Unbearable pain.

Memories. Of their feelings. Of their pain as I was... Hurting them...

Because I was so afraid... So afraid...

"I know... I know... Oh my poor gentle love... Shhhh... I know..."

My throat was hoarse. Kujaku was rocking me gently.

"I love you... I love you..."

Goddess, I had... Sobs shook me. I felt Kujaku's fingers soflty stroking my hair.

"Hang on Fiona... Hang on for me beloved... I need you... I love you, I love you so much..."

He was crying. I looked at him and said, smiling sadly :

"He won. I am like him. I am like Sakurazukamori..."

He crushed me against him, saying urgently :

"No... No ! No love, never. You were never like him. Or you would have killed me. Or you would have let Steve call Kamui. Or you wouldn't have warned any of us to go away..."

I freed myself from his embrace, bowing my head.

"But I did hurt you. As much as I could. I do not deserve your love, I..."

His fingers rested gently on my lips, silencing me.

"No. No I won't let you hate yourself. I love you. Hear me ? I love you. And I know why you tried to use the wall again..."

He kissed me tenderly.

"Because you think you are not strong enough to bear what will happen. Because you refuse to let him have you..."

His lips brushed my tears.

"But you are strong love. You do not need the wall. You have friends. Friends who will always be there for you, even if I... If I cannot be. Friends who will help you. You will never be alone again. Never..."

He smiled softly.

"And believe me, I do intend to make it difficult for Fate to catch me. I am a good player of the game. I cheat all the time, remember ?"

I looked at his purple eyes, and found only love and concern in them. I whispered :

"Hold me tight. Never... Never let me go... Never..."

He held me close during a long time, silent. At last, I found the strength to turn away from him. I faced Steve.

Goddess. I had... I remembered every word I had told him. Each of them was dancing in front of my eyes, cruelly teasing me. Hell, I deserve the pain I was feeling now. A thousandfold. I went to him and said :

"Steve... I... I am sorry. I... Cannot undo this. If I could... But I cannot. I have no right to call you friend anymore, I have no right to ask for your forgiveness. I..."

I shook my head.

"Strike at me, do what you wish..."

His hand moved so fast it was a blur. I winced, but the movement ended in a gentle caress. He smiled softly.

"I forgive you Fiona. I know. I knew as I came to you what you would do if I couldn't make you lower the wall. I accepted the risk. Even though you hurt me so much... I forgive you. I love you. My wish is that you will remember we are here for you. And that you will forgive yourself... Believe me, the only thing that counts is that you heal. That makes me happy, and my pain is worth it."

I felt tears soaking my face again.

"Steve, I..."

Kujaku hugged me very gently from behind, kissing soflty the sides of my neck, whispering :

"Shhh... Love don't say silly things, okay ? We love you. And we know you love us. That's what counts isn't it ?"

I smiled weakely.

"I guess..."

"But you almost let him win..."

Subaru Sumeragi.

"You almost let yourself be engulfed in the void..."

I looked at him. He sighed.

"I wish I had been able to help you. But he had hurt you so much only your loved one could bring you back..."

He smiled gently all of a sudden.

"Don't worry. I forgive you. I understand what you went through. I experienced this myself. I was like you. So do not worry. Okay ?"

Understanding.

Compassion.

Gentleness.

Trust.

Almost... Love.

I nodded.

"Thank you... Thank you for being such wonderful people..."

Suddenly, one of the two twins serving the princess entered the garden. Hien or Souhi, I never could distinguish between them. She bowed and said urgently :

"Princess Hinoto requests your presence immediately. Please come."

Subaru frowned.

"What happened ?"

The girl said, her eyes haunted :

"She Dreamed. She said it was... She said it had been her Last Dream. She said she would never Dream again."

End of Part 11.

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