[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

Holding this damn position was beginning to get difficult.

My feet were feeling like they were crushed, my knees had become insensible, and my back was feeling as if hundreds of small needles were piercing through it.

I sighed, looking at the still figure in front of me.

The girl had been in this position since dawn, and I had been here only for about half an hour.

The girl... I smiled.

Sumeragi Sayaka really looked like an eternally sulking teenager. I supposed it suited her that outsiders saw her as such. Behind that mask was an unnaturally serious and dedicated young woman.

It sometimes looked as if she was carrying the weight of her name like lead on her shoulders. As if the responsability was overwhelming.

Well, perhaps it was after all...

I moved imperceptibly, trying to ease the strain in my body, but it was obviously a lost cause.

It wouldn't be long before I started to have cramps.

Great.

But I just couldn't interrupt her meditation, whatever it was she was meditating about...

At last, the two candles on each side of her went out and I saw with relief that she was shifting her position.

Not a minute too soon.

She turned towards me and chuckled.

"You can sit normally Kassandra-san..."

I grunted as I slowly, painfully forced my legs to move from under me and tried to sit in a more usual position.

Shit, it wouldn't do, my back hurt too much.

Sighing, I stood up, suppressing a grimace of pain and shaking my head.

"How can you hold that infernal position during hours ? It's unhuman !"

She stood up as well and walked towards me, smiling.

"Well, it's simply a question of habit and training Kassandra-san..."

She looked at me.

"Did you want to talk to me ?"

I nodded.

"Yes, indeed. I think it is high time you told me what exactly is going on in this place."

She silently lead me out of the meditation room.

We stopped on the wooden terrace surrounding the house, and I imitated her as she sat down, leaning my back against a pole and letting my legs hang down beyond the edge of the terrace. She turned towards me, asking :

"Before we begin, do you feel better ?"

I smiled bitterly, shrugging.

"I guess you could say that..."

I had been in this house a very long time. I was completely unable to tell just how long, but it could be measured in months. For some reason, no one seemed to have ever asked what had become of me. There had been no search, no inquiry, nothing.

Whoever they were, the Sumeragi held power in Japan, that was certain.

I had not tried to know more, or to leave this place earlier, because I had simply stopped wanting anything.

I wanted nothing.

Nothing but that the past could be wiped.

That Seishirou could be only a nightmare.

With time, my wounds had healed.

As for my heart and my soul...

I wasn't even sure I wanted to heal.

Somehow, the raw pain had receded. The devouring fire had burnt itself out.

But deep inside the pile of ashes, its core was still there, ready to flare to life again.

Sorrow had turned into bitterness.

Love had turned into hate.

I despised the emotions haunting my heart, but I was unable to do anyting about them.

It was that or madness.

Life, or death.

I chuckled inwardly, thinking that once again my forgotten dreams had come back to force me to live on.

Dreams...

What stupidity.

They only served to hide reality.

A blindfold conveniently allowing me to ignore truth.

But I was not strong enough to smother them.

Stubbornly, they came back.

I hated them.

I hated myself.

The only comfort I had in being alive was the thought of thwarting Seishirou's game.

His hunt.

At last, I faced Sumeragi Sayaka and said :

"The physical pain is gone. My body is whole. I do not think my soul will ever be."

She bowed her head, sighing, and suddenly her hands closed on mine, hugging tight.

"I understand, but..."

She shook her head.

"Do not let hatred devour you, please do not let it. It will only destroy you..."

She smiled sadly.

"From what oba-sama said, I gather that Subaru-san was much like you after Hokuto-san's death..."

Subaru ? Hokuto ? What was this about ?

"And it is his hatred that allowed Sakurazukamori to defeat him..."

Seishirou... I tensed.

"You must understand, like yours, Subaru'san's hatred was nothing more than a veil used to hide feelings which would have hurt him too much if acknowledged..."

I said in a tight voice :

"I am not hiding anything. I *hate* him. That is the only emotion there can be in my heart besides bitterness."

She looked at me, sorrow clearly visible in her eyes.

"It is a lie. A lie you want with all your heart to believe. But hatred will blind you, and betray you. If one day you face Sakurazukamori again, the veil will tear and the truth will hit your soul and hurt it so that you will be defenceless against him. Had Subaru-san acknowledged his love, looked at it and accepted it, he would have been able to defeat the other..."

Her hands squeezed mine very gently.

"I know it hurts, I know this love is what drove you to try to take your own life, but..."

She sighed.

"Hiding it behind a shield of hatred will not change the truth. Strength can only come from the acceptation of who and what you are..."

I chuckled sadly.

"You do not know what it is you ask..."

I felt tears burning in my eyes.

No...

No I couldn't accept this, I couldn't accept love.

I couldn't love that demon.

I could not.

I gritted my teeth, chasing the tears away.

"Anyway, that is not what I wanted to discuss. I want to know who you are, and what I am doing here."

She looked away from me and stayed silent for a long time. At last, she faced me again and nodded.

"All right. The Sumeragi family has served Japan and its rulers since the beginning of its history. We have advised, healed, fought on the side of what you could call Light, or Good... It may seem crazy or stupid to you, but we are the protectors of Japan. By using the spiritual gifts granted to us since the beginning of time, we help and heal..."

I whispered :

"You mean you are magicians..."

For some reason I was unable to fathom, her words were ringing true to my ears, and I found myself believing what should have sounded like a child's tale. She smiled.

"We are onmyouji, those of us who have trained to master the gift. It is not really magic as a westerner would think it. Onmyoujutsu relates to the spirit, to the soul... More akin to exorcism to use a term you'll understand..."

Yes I understood the term, but they had nothing in common with the freaks and the frauds one could find in Europe. She looked at me, in deadly earnest.

"Like there is night and day, we have a shadow, an opposite. One who possesses the same powers, but uses them to kill. His name is Sakurazukamori, and he is an assassin..."

I smiled ironically.

"I had gathered that you know..."

She sighed.

"I know... Anyway, both clans have existed for centuries, never meeting, aware of each other but never fighting. We balance each other. It is in the order of things that darkness and light coexist. But... Be it chance or Fate, the current Sakurazukamori met the one who was head of the Sumeragi clan before me, and was touched by Subaru-san's purity. For a reason we do not understand, he forebore to kill him then and they met again once Subaru-san had grown up to be a teenager. Sakurazukamori stayed with him and his twin sister during a whole year, protecting Subaru-san, and in the end of the year, decided to kill Subaru-san for he claimed he could not feel anything for him... Suffice to say that Hokuto-san sacrificed herself for her twin brother, and Subaru-san lived. His love for Sakurazukamori hidden behind bitterness, hatred and grief. Subaru-san then began a mad quest for revenge, a hunt for the hunter... And eventually found him..."

She looked at me.

"And died."

I looked away, feeling cold invading my heart.

So he had already toyed with someone that way before...

You are so very much special my lady...

Purity... Feelings, sensitivity... Was this what he was after then ?

But why ?

Sometimes, in the middle of all the grey is a bright light...

Colours... Something different than greyness...

Both Sumeragi Subaru and I had been special treats for him.

Preys he could toy with during a long time before getting bored.

Others didn't even bring him satisfaction...

I smiled coldly, and said :

"I see... But it does not tell me what I am doing here."

She stared at me steadily.

"You have been brought to this place because oba-sama saw you during the divination ceremony of Kakai. You and Sakurazukamori share a bond. One that we do not understand, but..."

I cut her.

"I'm his prey, he marked me there's nothing mysterious about this."

She shook her head.

"We know that, but there is something beyond... Anyway, there is also another reason..."

She smiled gently.

"You are a very sensitive person, you have very strong intuition... You may well have the gift, and if so you must be taught..."

Gift ?

Onmyoujutsu ? Magic ?

I almost laughed in her face, but...

Hell, after all why not ? If it happened to be true, it would be a weapon against my enemy.

She gently put a hand on my shoulder.

"But before you can learn, you must regain some peace, your soul must win free of the hatred that devours it..."

As she saw the cold smile on my lips, she added in a soft whisper :

"Think well Kassandra-san, think about what your hatred could bring you, for whoever kills the Sakurazukamori shall be his heir..."

I closed my eyes, focusing on the feeling of the target on the other side of the field.

Slowly, the image formed itself in my mind, and once I managed to see it clearly, I released the arrow. There was a thud as it sank into the target, and I smiled, opening my eyes.

Full center.

I was getting good at this game, and to tell the truth, I was beginning to love it.

Oh, holding the position, holding the bow so that the arrow was at the eye level was hard. I had had my share of cramps, but I was getting used to this. As Sumeragi Sayaka had said, it was a simple matter of training.

I carefully set the bow on the ground and walked to the target to retrieve the arrows.

I smiled while taking the last of the arrows out.

I would never have thought I would practise Kyudo one day.

I walked back to where I had left my bow, and on impulse decided to make things a bit more difficult. I stepped back, lengthening the distance from the target by a good five meters span.

Now we would see.

I put the arrow in place and bent the bow, lifting it into place, the arrow almost touching my right cheek.

Kyudo demanded a concentration so great that everything but the target disappeared. Feelings lost their meaning, surroundings simply ceased to exist...

Even my hatred gave way.

Memories blurred...

There was something that might almost have been called peace in my heart when the image of the target filled it.

Perhaps it was a way out...

Sumeragi Sayaka seemed to think so since she kept encouraging my liking for this sport.

My thoughts withdrew to the background as my focus on the target reached perfection.

Now.

I twanged the bow, and let my soul fly with the arrow.

This feeling of cleaving the air was wondrous.

It made me feel so free...

I chuckled happily as the arrow hit the central part of the target.

Oh it was not yet a perfect shot, but it would not take me long to master this distance. I bent down and took another arrow.

"Very good..."

Emptiness invaded my mind.

"You have a beautiful style Kassandra, really..."

I looked on my left and saw him.

He was looking at me, a gentle smile on his face.

I hadn't heard him coming.

I hadn't felt him.

Beneath the ashes, the fire began to burn again.

And to hurt again.

Something was wringing my heart.

Clawing at my soul.

I fought the urge to hug myself and cry, saying in a toneless voice :

"What are you doing here Seishirou ?"

He chuckled softly.

"I just came to check on you my lady. I was worried about you..."

I smiled.

"Were you ?..."

Do not let hatred devour you...

I felt a bit of sadness for Sumeragi Sayaka.

She had tried to help me, to free me from this, but...

It hurt too much.

I could not bear it. No matter what, I would never be able to bear it.

Better hatred...

Oh yes, better hatred than this pain which was resounding endlessly inside me, forever amplifying and unable to get out.

Better hatred than a love which was gnawing at my soul.

Icy coldness touched my heart and I welcomed it.

I embraced it, and let it invade me.

I could almost have laughed.

Denying oneself was so easy.

I had thought it would be difficult, I had thought it would hurt me.

It hadn't.

Hatred had never been a part of me, but perhaps that had been my mistake and my weakness from the start.

Hatred was so sweet...

Slowly, I took the arrow to my bow and bent it.

Seishirou's heart would make a perfect target.

I chuckled.

"I am glad to see you, it will save me the trouble of having to find you..."

He shook his head, still smiling.

"Are you sure this is what you really want Kassandra ?..."

Damn him, he wouldn't smile much longer. I didn't give a damn about the consequences, he had to die. I had to kill him, now.

I focused on the place of his heart, forcing myself to forget the rest.

I gritted my teeth.

He would not make me doubt.

No, not this time.

"Are you sure this is who you are ?"

My right arm trembled, ever so slightly.

Pain... Somewhere deep inside of me...

Something was crying out...

My vision wavered.

Something was burning my eyes.

I couldn't...

I couldn't focus my mind on the target, I...

Something wet and warm ran along my cheeks.

Tears.

A cry rose in my throat.

"Kassandra-san, no ! He's nothing but an illusion !"

Sumeragi Sayaka's voice broke the spell and I let go of both bow and arrow, slowly falling on my knees, head bowed in defeat.

Hatred had not been enough.

As the teenager girl had told me, it had betrayed me.

I whispered bitterly :

"You were right Sayaka-san..."

She smiled gently.

"I am glad you realise this Kassandra-san..."

She moved beside me, facing Seishirou, and saying in a voice tight with anger and outrage :

"How dare you come in this place Sakurazukamori ? How can you break through the wards and shields around this house ?"

He chuckled.

"I go wherever it strikes my fancy to go, little girl..."

He walked a step towards us.

"And besides, I was simply checking on something that belongs to me."

Anger flared in Sumeragi Sayaka.

"Damn you ! Kassandra-san is not a toy you can play with and discard when you have had enough ! You have no right to treat human beings like pebbles, you have no right to do this !"

He laughed.

"Is that so ?..."

Suddenly, a chant rose in the air beside me, and I felt *something* emanating from the teenager girl. The breeze fell suddenly, as if stopped by an invisible wall she would have raised around us. Seishirou's smile vanished, and he said in deadly earnest :

"Give it up girl. You are no match for me."

She smiled coldly.

"It may well be. We shall see, Sakurazukamori."

He stared at her steadily.

"You are seeking your own death, Sumeragi Sayaka..."

She didn't bother answering him and he chuckled.

"As you wish."

Although I heard no sound, I suddenly saw a furious wind rising and striking the invisible barrier. Sumeragi Sayaka put a foot back to strengthen her position.

As if the wind was hitting her.

Her chant rose higher in the air.

On the other side, Seishirou walked calmly to the barrier, and cut through it with his right hand.

The girl beside me cried out in pain, and I saw with horror a cut twin of the one Seishirou had done in the barrier opening in her left flank.

She staggered, then tensed, crying a word I didn't understand.

Something like an elecriticy burst struck at Seishirou, who simply shrugged off the blast with a backhand slap.

Sweat was running along Sumeragi Sayaka's temples, and pain was clearly written on her face.

Seishirou resumed his walk towards us, ripping through the girl's barrier as if it didn't exist, and she cried out again, desperately fighting to hold herself upright.

I looked at her, and time slowed.

She didn't stand a chance.

Seishirou had been right.

She was going to die.

She had committed herself to a battle she had been certain to lose, and I was sure she had been aware of it at the start.

She was no fool. But then, why ?

He chanted a spell, and myrirads of crystal shards flew towards Sumeragi Sayaka, appearing out of nowhere.

Suddenly, she released her barrier and cried a command :

"Begone !"

The crystal shards hit her directly, and she fell.

Slowly, her blood began to paint the grass.

I cried :

"Sayaka-san, nooo !"

Her blood reached me.

It was warm.

I looked up, fury and grief raging in my heart.

"Curse you, you didn't have to..."

I cut myself.

Seishirou's shape was dissolving into thousands of beautiful and fragile sakura petals.

An illusion...

Sayaka had said he was only an illusion...

I looked at him, uncaring of the tears soaking my face.

He was fixing the teenager girl.

Something that might have been respect shining in his eyes.

His smile a bit sad.

The gentle breeze carried the petals away, and he disappeared.

He had never truly been here.

I looked at the fallen teenager girl, numb.

Her blood was still spreading in the lush garden.

Forming a small pool around her body.

He had never really been here.

I had almost shot at a mirage.

I had given in to hatred and forced Sumeragi Sayaka to intervene, to save me.

She had not done this out of fear for my life.

Seishirou had never come to kill me.

She had intervened because she had known that if I had shot the arrow, I would never have been able to free myself from hatred afterwards.

She had sacrificed her life for this.

Because I had been too weak and cowardly to bear with my pain and my memories.

Because I had hidden myself behind convenient hatred.

It was so much easier to hate.

To let the feeling engulf you.

So tempting...

The enormity of what I had caused struck me suddenly and I hugged myself, my body shaken by violent sobs.

I...

"Do not grieve Kasandra-san..."

I looked up to see Sumeragi Sayaka looking at me.

Death written in her eyes.

"Things are as they should be... Please... Never let hatred win... Again..."

I didn't answer, unable to think or move.

This was not happening.

This...

A sorrowful cry resounded through the air, and I saw suddenly a pure white owl on the girl's shoulder. It gently pecked at her cheek, and then took flight.

Coming right for me.

Reflexively, I put a hand in front of my face for protection.

As the bird touched my fingers, it shimmered, and its shape blurred.

What was going on, what...?...

Claws closed around my fist and I saw a beautiful falcon looking right at me.

It was watching me calmly.

As if it knew me.

As if I should have known it.

It cried once, and then vanished.

My hand bore no trace of its claws, as if it had never existed.

Beside me, Sumeragi Sayaka smiled.

Something like hope brightening her face.

And then her eyes closed as death claimed her.

I went to her and held her close.

I would have wanted to make her the promise she had asked of me, but...

I bit my lower lip and bowed my head, grief and shame filling my heart.

She had died for me, she had given away her life, and I couldn't even make a simple promise...

I couldn't. I couldn't, because...

I was not sure I could keep it.

I smiled as the falcon perched on my left shoulder and gently patted its head.

I had been surprised by the fourteenth Head of the Sumeragi clan.

The girl had had courage, and strength.

She had known, and she had done what needed to be done.

A pity.

A waste, but it could not be helped.

I remembered the fire in Kassandra's eyes and thought it had been a near thing.

Hatred would have led her down the path Subaru-kun had followed.

And that ended only in a meaningless death.

In the end, killing him had almost been a mercy.

I would not let that happen with Kassandra.

Not now that I knew.

Not now that I had seen.

The falcon cried.

He had seen as well, he had been my eyes once the girl's spell had unmade my illusion.

Kassandra still needed time, but eventually she would heal.

I smiled.

She would become strong, she had no other choice.

And once the time came, she would leave the Sumeragi's protection and come to me.

And the hunt would end.

One way, or another...

I chuckled.

It would be interesting indeed.

The falcon cried again and I whispered softly :

"Yes, you will see her again..."

The bird of prey had been alone during such a long time...

"So, the fourteenth Head of our clan is dead..."

I looked up from the body of Sayaka to see the old lady walking towards us in the Kyudo field. She sighed.

"Sayaka was so young..."

She looked at me.

"But this was her Destiny. Now the Sumeragi clan is without a leader..."

I felt shame once again rising inside me. the old woman stared at me steadily.

"And you need training, child."

I smiled bitterly, shrugging.

"If you think it useful..."

I could not bring myself to care about the future for the moment. I could not detach my mind from the image of the crystal shards piercing through Sayaka's body, from the image of her smile as the owl had somehow transformed into a falcon as it had touched me.

And always, the same image came with this.

Seishirou, grudging respect shining in his eyes and what could have been sadness in his smile.

He had not wanted this.

Try as I might, I could not chase that knowledge away.

I was the one responsible for Sayaka's death, even though he had been the one who had dealt the killing blow.

Yes, perhaps I needed training, perhaps I needed to gain strength to win free of hatred, to accept myself...

I gathered the young girl in my arms and walked away.

End of Part 9.

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