[ Watashi ]

[ Tomodachi ]

[ Saint Seiya ]

[ Clamp ]

[ Fanfiction ]

Dawn had just risen, a beautiful dawn for once. I looked up into the sky and saw the delicate mixture of pastel colours, rose and purple, heralding the arrival of the sun in a cloudless sky. My fingertips brushed a treeleaf and felt the few drops of morning dew gently running along them. I closed my eyes, focusing my whole being on the sensation, on the memory of the sky, willing everything else to disappear.

A tree, immense.

Tree of stone...

Wonderful waterfalls linking various islands of stone floating in the sky...

Rainbows, painting the air in myriads of delicate colours...

Peace, all around... Happiness...

Gentle fall towards...

Heaven...

Light, black.

Hand reaching out from beyond the dark.

Claws closing around my soul.

Claiming what had been their property for more than ten thousand years.

Come, Kuroki Gai...

Me.

Come, Wolf Lord...

But I didn't...

Want...

No !...

Laughter resounded all around me, *within* me, harsh and mocking, and darkness engulfed me, masking the vision of beauty forever...

The vision of the Heaven I should have reached.

I staggered, half falling and half leaning with all my weight against the tree beside me, unfeeling of the rough bark of its trunk rubbing against my skin. Breathing heavily. Fighting down the urge to cry until my tears ran dry, chasing desperately the memories away, in the darkness where they belonged. It was always like this when I tried to escape from reality, and from myself. It caught up with me almost immediately, reminding me I could never flee, I could never be free.

Reminding me of the price to pay for each futile attempt.

Eventually, I felt the rythm of my heartbeats coming back to normal, and I gathered what little strength I had left, standing on my own and giving up the tree's support. Above me, the sky's colour was a pure royal blue, the sun had risen over this part of the world. Slowly, I walked away from the tree, choosing a random direction, wandering aimlessly in the huge garden.

Strange...

I stopped, inexplicably drawn towards a grove of trees on my left. Something was emanating from it, a sensation of calm, quietness, of focus... On impulse, I went towards it, and gently parted the delicate long branches of a weeping willow which prevented me from seeing what was beyond.

A small clearing, and, in its middle, a young woman, kneeling, her long black hair falling down to touch the grass. I stopped, before my presence could be felt and disturbed her meditation. She was the source of the sensation that had brought me here. Her shoulders moved slightly, and she sighed softly, saying :

"The harm is already done, Kuroki-san, I felt you before you reached the grove of weeping willows..."

I bowed my head, whispering :

"Forgive me, I didn't know."

It hadn't been my goal to disturb her. Shaking my head wearily, I made to turn away, and in the same time, she stood up and faced me.

"No, you didn't..."

She gingerly smoothed the edges of her robes, and then the dark grey eyes locked on me, forbidding me to look away. She added in an even voice :

"It's all right, I was done anyway. I'm glad to see you, I owe you an apology for my words yesterday, you didn't deserve their harshness."

I chuckled sadly when I heard that, replying :

"On the contrary, I deserved every bit of it, and more..."

The light in her eyes became one of curiosity, and then she shrugged.

"Think what you will. It's the same to me."

I almost went away then, but I needed to understand them, I needed answers. So I asked her :

"Kishuu-san, why do you let me stay here ?"

She walked to my side, and gently reached out to one of the trees, taking one of the fragile leaves between thumb and forefinger.

"Senseless question, Kuroki-san. Why is this tree allowed to stay here ?"

She looked at me, waiting, and I sighed. There was no answer to the question, none that made sense to me. She let go fo the leaf, and said softly :

"This need for answers... Kuroki-san, can't you let your mind rest ? We've offered you a place in which you can let go, at least for a while. Be patient, everything comes to he who waits. If you..."

I interrupted her, understanding at last her change of attitude.

"Kasumi-san told you, she, Shirou-san and Sumeragi-san..."

She nodded silently, her dark grey eyes locked on mine.

Watching.

I turned away from her, feeling anger and despair rising within me like a tidal wave. I closed my eyes in a useless attempt to control them, and finally asked in what was more cry than question :

"Why ? Why are you doing this ? Don't you understand what I am ? Don't you know what I'll bring ? Why don't you kill me ?"

The cry echoed in the silence of the garden, and I hugged myself to control the storm within. Eventually, Kishuu Arashi said :

"We'll never condamn someone whose heart and soul fight with all they have against Fate, you're not responsible for the curse laid upon you. To kill you would be the same as giving victory to the darkness that imprisons you... There is always a chance, Kuroki-san, a chance to win free..."

No... Damnit to all the hells, no ! They had no idea... None... In the blink of an eye, I reached a decision, and allowed the dark laughter within to claim me, replying in a whisper :

"You don't understand Kishuu-san... But perhaps now you will..."

Still not turning to face her, I laughed in the small grove of weeping willows.

Laughed...

A wind rose in the air, harsh, and darkness claimed the sky above us. A feeling of malevolence so horribly strong that it could have been touched with fingertips if one had merely held out a hand to it. Hatred and fury engulfed me, and I let them, they washed over me like a storm, reaching out...

Lightning suddenly cut through the darkness, and abruptly I felt something cold and sharp against the left side of my neck.

The edge of a sword.

So sharp it had opened a cut by simply brushing the skin.

I could see its light marring the perfection of the dark around me, I could hear the howling rage of what was still locked within me at this pitiful attempt to hinder it. Focusing with difficulty on sanity, on thoughts, I told her in a staccato voice :

"Now... Do you... see ? Do you... understand ?..."

Silence was my only answer for a long while, then suddenly the blade left my skin and its light disappeared. She said :

"Yes, I understand. I understand that you want to die... But I also understand that you can fight, and control the darkness in your soul..."

Something inside me heard the weariness and sorrow in her voice, and abruptly I closed myself to the hatred and fury boiling up within, locking the dark safely in my heart. I felt myself shaking as it fought my will, as it clawed at my self, as it hurt...

Hurt...

"Neither me, nor any of the Dragons of Heaven will agree to take your life, Kuroki-san. We'll help you if it's in our power, but kill you... That isn't our way..."

I turned slowly to face her, and saw the magnificent blade she had been holding at my throat slowly sink back into the palm of her hand. There was a moment of silence, and eventually she shook her head sadly.

"I doubt we'd be able to harm you anyway. I doubt it'd be allowed..."

I looked into the grey eyes, and saw pity, resolve that nothing could shake, no plea could weaken... I closed my hands into fists, and looked up at the blue sky, feeling a pain too sharp, too strong for my exhausted heart to bear.

I can't...

Before the wild howl of pain and despair could win through my lips, I turned away from Kishuu Arashi and ran.

I can't... Not anymore...

There was nothing but darkness all around me.

That, and power.

Absolute.

Power not unlike the soma an almost forgotten part of me remembered from another life, but so immensely stronger...

Evil.

Slowly seeping within, no matter how I tried to close myself to the feeling of it. The laughter that was the only sound I could hear kept echoing louder in the starless night, louder with each attempt to free myself from it. I had no idea how long I had been here, if here still had a meaning. Time had stopped having one. I knew I should have remembered things, but it was all gone. There was only one thought left inside me, one.

Fight.

I'll never yield.

But the laughter mocked my refusal, it amused the dark around me, as if my struggle was a welcome bonus, a distraction in an eternity of boredom.

And it went on.

On.

And on.

Until, at last I understood.

Until at last I saw.

Why the dark was laughing.

No...

There, deep within me...

At the very heart of my soul...

Help me...

A howl resounded beside the laughter, a howl of absolute despair.

Mine.

Hidden in the most secret part of my being, a small thing had patiently waited during ten thousand years.

A black seed.

So tiny...

Now the time had come.

The time of the reaping.

From within me, laughter rose, twin of the one resounding around me.

No...

I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even kill myself.

I could only feel the black seed growing within, blooming slowly.

I could only fall.

Help me... Please, help me...

Fall...

For eternity.

I'm here.

Arms gently came around me, and held me.

Stopping my fall.

The ground under me was soft, the feeling of young grass under the palm of my hands was almost exquisite. I opened my eyes, and saw a beautiful garden all around me, trees covered with fresh blossoms, as if we were at the beginning of Spring. I sat up, and then stood, slowly realizing I was still dreaming. Remembering the sleeping pills I had requested of Sumeragi Subaru, and the way I had fallen down on my bed, like a drowned man.

And then the nightmare that had engulfed me.

No, no nightmare.

Memories of the past.

Of...

"It's gone now. You're safe here..."

I tensed violently as I heard the voice, and turned to the right. A man was sitting on a rock beside a quiet pool of crystal clear water, his strange golden eyes fixed on me. He was tall, slender, fragile even, his hair a blonde so pale it seemed pure white, and the look of him was so eerily elegant and beautiful, I couldn't help feeling something unearthly in his presence. As if he wasn't human, or more than that. Fighting down the urge to hide from those eyes that seemed to see through all the shields, and gaze directly into my soul, I asked him shortly :

"How can you be sure ? How can you know ? Who are you ?"

He smiled softly, and suddenly I remembered what his eyes were reminding me of.

A cat.

There was something so weird about him, as if he wasn't really there, as if it didn't matter to him, as if nothing had meaning...

"Many questions, Gai-san, but their answer is simple : I know because this is my realm. I am Kakyou, but some people like calling me the DreamGazer."

What was I doing here ? What was this dream, how could my mind have come up with something so unreal ? I... I tensed abruptly.

His voice...

I had heard it before...

I stared at him steadily, and asked :

"We've met before, haven't we ?"

The smile on his lips changed subtly. Now there was a touch of something uknown, part pain, part gentleness to it. He nodded.

"We have talked, in a manner of speaking, but we haven't exactly met."

I looked at him for a long time, and finally remembered. Clenching my fists, I said in a toneless voice :

"You were the one who told me I had no choice but to accept my existence in this world. You were the one who forced me to..."

He stood, bowing his head slightly.

"Who forced you to face the truth, yes..."

The strange cat-like eyes locked on me once more.

"And to answer the question you're about to ask : yes, I belong to what is called the Dragons of Earth."

I reflexively stepped back, and shook my head, asking a whisper :

"Then why ? Why did you free me from the nightmare ? It makes no sense, the nightmare only speeds things, precipitates me towards the moment when I..."

I cut myself off, unable to go on, feeling despair engulfing my soul again, stronger than it had ever been, grief and shame so great...

A fingertip gently pressed against my lips, and, through a haze of pain, I saw he had walked up to me. He said softly :

"As I told you, nothing can change the future that lies before us, but the how of its coming about, that you can still choose. I am who I am, but it may be I also have a revenge to take against Fate, small though it is. Perhaps I wish to see the gods thwarted, even if only in such an insignificant thing..."

I tried to focus on his words and find a meaning to them, but failed. So I asked him again :

"Why ? You could simply have taken the nightmare away, why reveal yourself ?"

The fingertip left my lips, and during a brief moment I felt something that might have been weariness coming from him. Then, he smiled.

"Because I have a gift to give you..."

The strange cat-like eyes were filling my vision, and suddenly I understood the light in them, and his purpose in bringing me here. My heart skipped a beat, and cold seeped through my being, heightening the pain within. I stepped back, telling him in a low voice carefully devoid of emotions :

"This is insane. Leave me be, Kakyou-san, leave me be, I have no need to be tortured more than I already am. I don't want any such gift, from you or anyone else."

As I was about to turn away from him, honeysuckle vines gently coiled up to me, pinning my arms against my body, imprisoning me as surely as iron chains would have, coming from nowhere. I tried to fight their hold, to no avail, and said between clenched teeth :

"Free me, DreamGazer, free me now, or..."

He interrupted me, saying in a calm and gentle voice :

"You need this, Gai-san, you don't have enough strength left to keep what's waiting within you at bay until everything is done..."

He reached out to me, letting his fingertips slowly brush my right cheek in a caress.

"And you won't do anything, you dare not risk letting it reach out now to free yourself, we both know this."

I shivered inwardly at his touch, feeling something rise inside me, something whose name I had once known, but had forgotten. Something that frightened me so much... I felt tears coming to my eyes as I asked him :

"Why ? You don't even want this, you don't even desire..."

This time, I distinctly saw the sadness and compassion in his smile.

"It has nothing to do with what one wants Gai-san, and everything to do with what one needs. What you need has a name, and I think you know it as well as I..."

His right hand softly chased away stray locks of hair from my face, and he bent over me.

"Release..."

I shuddered as I felt his lips lightly brushing the left side of my neck. As I felt my body answering the gentle touch.

Wanting...

Needing so desperately...

I closed my eyes, feeling tears slowly running down my cheeks, and whispered :

"No... Please no... You have no idea what's waiting within, what might be unleashed... I could hurt you so terribly, please...

The sweet, tentalizing kisses stopped, and he looked at me, his eyes locked on mine.

"I know far more than you think, Gai-san, I understand far better than you could ever guess..."

His left hand brushed my face, and I closed my eyes, fighting to ignore the sensation, fighting to control the turmoil of feelings and emotions rising within. Somehow, I managed to force the words through my lips, saying in a desperate plea :

"I don't want anyone to be hurt for me, I refuse to see anyone be sacrificed for me, I can't..."

His lips brushed mine, silencing me, and one last time I tried to free myself from the hold of this Dream, from him.

And failed.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He smiled with infinite gentleness, and nodded.

"No... I know you don't, I know you can't bear more. I know how terribly it hurts..."

The tip of his right forefinger touched my chest, at the heart level, and he added in an almost inaudible whisper :

"There is something you and I share. Loneliness. Utter loneliness..."

I saw the sparkle of tears in the beautiful golden eyes, I felt the hints of a grief that ravaged a soul condamned to live with it until at last it could be free, and couldn't deny what was engulfing my whole being anymore. I reached out to him, and the honeysuckle vines freed me. My hand stopped an inch from him, and he took it in his own, laying a soft kiss in the center of its palm. I shivered, unable to help myself, lost in the storm of emotions that had come over me. He brought me close, and when his mouth captured mine I didn't try to escape.

He kissed me gently, lightly, waiting until I surrendered to the longing inside me and parted my lips to allow him entry. In the same time, his right hand brushed through my hair, and the left softly caressed my body through the fabric of the shirt I was wearing, brushing a nipple as its fingers travelled down, slowly tracing the lines of my ribs, giving rise to sensations I...

I tensed violently, trembling against him. Terrified.

I...

His lips freed mine, and he whispered gently in my left ear :

"Hush. Feel..."

I did, I felt his body against mine, the need, the tide of desire rising, undeniable...

"You can still feel me, can't you ?..."

He looked at me, and I nodded silently, unable to speak. He smiled softly, his left hand caressing the muscles of my lower back, undoing knots I hadn't even known were there, enhancing even more the burning need... I shivered, and he whispered :

"You're still in control, it won't take over you, I promise you."

A distant part of me, the last part of me that could still hold coherent thought barely heard the words through a haze of desire that was so intense it was painful, and decided to trust him. This was his realm. It was possible he could do this, it was possible he could give me this gift that had no price. Besides, it was too late already. Closing my eyes, I slowly let go of myself.

Completely.

Kakyou watched the sleeping body resting against him, and refused to wonder or give a name to the emotion inhabiting his heart as he softly caressed the long grey hair of Kuroki Gai.

Of his lover.

The confused sensation rising within, the feeling that had neither name nor meaning but engulfed all with an unbelievable strength was better left alone. Certainly... What mattered was that he had done what needed to be. Softly, with something that might have been tenderness, he wiped away the last traces of the tears that had soaked the young man's face as the grief within had finally been unlocked, as the devouring emotion had been allowed out, at long last.

He was feeling so tired, exhausted even, but somehow the feeling was good. Focusing on the sensation of Kuroki Gai's head resting on his left shoulder, of the long grey hair spread on his chest, Kakyou found himself relishing this short moment of eternity between two swings of the great clock of Time. He closed his eyes, strangely reluctant to allow reality to reclaim dominion. Feeling...

He had planned on giving, but not on being given as well...

Being given so much...

Was it then the young man's curse to give, to give again and again, until his heart and soul were left empty, to give and never to take or receive ? At least he had broken that, if only a little. As for the rest...

Kuroki Gai stirred against him, and the young man's head came up, looking at him with a smile so beautiful it wrenched Kakyou's heart.

So luminous...

Full of something that looked too much like hope, hope that had no place in the order of things... Hope that would be betrayed and then would hurt so much... Gai said softly :

"You can release the Dream, Kakyou-san. It's okay now..."

Kakyou looked into the russet-gold eyes that were not shielded against him, just as his weren't guarded against the young man, and contemplated drowning in them until the end of time. But it couldn't be. No matter what he might have wished. Fate wasn't patient, it wanted its pawns to move and go where they were supposed to. He looked into the young man's eyes, and saw understanding there, and acceptation.

Theirs was a desperate fight to win what was after all an insignificant skirmish in a war that had been lost since far before its beginning, but still...

They would see this small battle to its end, and be victorious.

He asked in a whisper :

"Are you sure ?"

Gai nodded, smiling a bit regretfully.

"Yes..."

He bowed his head.

"I can't cross the line yet, Kakyou-san, I can't... But I..."

Kakyou gently made the young man face him, and told him softly :

"I know, I understand. When the time's right, you'll come. I'll wait for you."

Pain flashed in the russet-gold eyes, at the reminder of the DreamGazer's wish, and the promise that had been made. Kakyou bent over Gai and kissed him, allowing the sweet caress of his lips and Gai's to linger, before slowly unraveling the Dream around both of them.

Letting a part of himself go with the young man.

I could feel the fabric of the bed sheets under me, the weight of a blanket upon me, and realized I was awake.

Realized Kakyou had released the Dream.

As I had asked him to...

I opened my eyes, and smiled. Nothing was changed, no hope existed, but still... Now I could find within me the strength to choose the way in which it would come. Thanks to him. To what he had given me...

I felt tears in my eyes again, but the pain inside was different, it was bitter and sweet in the same time, it burnt and shone brighter than the sun. It was so strong it eclipsed even the cry and the laughter haunting me...

Did Kakyou know how precious his gift was to me ?

I remembered the strange golden eyes, and the gentleness of his lovemaking, the emotions that had shone briefly, but so intensely in those eyes, and thought that it was likely he knew even better than I did. What had happened hadn't really existed, and yet it had been more real than anything I had ever experienced.

It had been nothing more than a dream, and yet...

I remembered the feeling of him, the feeling of his arms wrapped protectively around me, the gentle, tender caress of his lips touching my tears and kissing them away... He had offered me what I had never thought could be, he had given me a shelter, a place where my shame and my grief could exist, where he had been, with me.

Reaching out to me.

Touching me.

Embracing me.

Shielding me.

I felt once more the strange pain rising inside me, and let it claim my heart, holding it close preciously, as if it had been him, smiling through the tears I could once again feel welling in my eyes.

Dream or reality, it didn't matter. I'd never forget, never. I'd cherish this, as long as I lived. I'd remember, and keep my promise, no matter how terrible the cost would be to me. I sat up on the bed, and suddenly saw Shirou Kamui sitting on a chair on my right.

Worry and relief warring in the deep purple eyes.

He smiled crookedly, bowing his head :

"Forgive me, I shouldn't have come into your room without permission, but you slept for so long..."

He looked back at me.

"You seem to be better..."

I nodded, smiling gently to him.

"Yes, indeed. I feel a lot stronger now that I've rested."

Beyond him, I saw Sumeragi Subaru waiting at the door of the bedroom. The emerald eyes met mine, and he smiled. I abruptly found myself fighting down the heat rising to my cheeks.

He knew.

I was sure he knew, or at least suspected.

He turned away, but I saw clearly the gentleness mixed with grief and what could be nothing else than longing shining in his eyes.

"So..."

Kakyou tensed violently, clenching his fists as Sakurazuka Seishirou stepped into the Dream and disrupted it.

"*He* is your stake in all this..."

The Sakurazukamori was smiling softly, but Kakyou wasn't fooled by the apparent gentleness, he could see the hard, cold light in the good eye of the assassin.

"You're lucky the young Shirou Kamui entered the Wolf Lord's room only after you were done. Otherwise, he'd have been a witness to quite an interesting bit of entertainment. When the sensations are strong enough, a body will react whether it's asleep or not you know..."

Kakyou's eyes locked on the dark man in front of him, and he said in a deadly quiet voice :

"I know. Leave him be, Sakurazuka-san. He's doomed. He's damned, even more so than we are."

Sakurazuka Seishirou laughed in the eerie silence of the Dream.

"Of course ! After all, I should be thankful to him, now that the future is firmly set I can spare more time attending to matters that I've left hanging for too long..."

That said, the assassin left the Dream, leaving Kakyou alone to wonder at the fierceness of his reaction.

To wonder why he had felt this undeniable urge to protect Kuroki Gai.

End of Part 4.

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